March 21, 2023

in the shadows

I am a celebrator, a seeker of joy.
Give me a holiday, big or small; a weekend of adventure or an ordinary old Tuesday. I will laugh in the joy, or dig in until I can find it. I love the planning, the doing, the beauty seeking. It is who I am, who I dare to be. 

It is harder... in the shadows of days you could wish away. A day of blustery anger, or heartbreaking sadness, a day when your child tells you their soul doesn't fit in the body they were given. Transgender? It's not something I ever wondered about, and something that has become part of my precious family over the last several years. And what do you say in response to an announcement like this? I said all of the right things: I love you, I support you, I love you, I love you. I've also said plenty of wrong things... because my very soul aches, because I don't understand how this could be, because... from the day that sweet bundle of baby was set in my arms, all I saw was perfect. Are you now not the same person you were when we celebrated five, ten, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one... or the million moments in between? 

I literally have no answers... I just love. Fear scrambles my joy... I continue to just love. I can't see that another choice lies before me, but it is hard to find the joy in this. I read of other people celebrating this with their children, being proud, moving forward with such purpose... and here I sit, in the shadows. Not because I think this is wrong, but because my heart just feels broken... for me and for them. I feel broken

The shadows have overcome my days, and where there has always been beauty seeking, I feel... blah. I'm not saying I can't see the beauty of a sunset, feel the love of a hand clasped around mine, or even find joy in laughter that bubbles up unexpectedly. I cherish all of those things. But where the joy once glowed for hours, spurring on more and more joy, the shadows slip in quickly, and blur the lines. 

I long to not be blurry...

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