finishing up a few things...

On this last day of Christmas break {even though my kids are grown I think of these two weeks as a well earned break!}, with only a few hours of daylight left, I complete a few stray tasks.... clean the fridge, clear the dining room table, organize one drawer. There is plenty more to do, but it seems I have run out of motivation. After a bit I wandered back to my sewing room and sifted through a few things and tried to make a mess of sense out of the items hanging on the wall. I keep tucking photos and sweet cards here and there, and while they make me happy, they deserve a little more breathing room. Don't we all? 

When I head to my kitchen desk tomorrow for work, I'm going to wish there were a few less items on the to do list. But for right now... there are matters more pressing. Cooking dinner together without a rush, enjoy the twinkle of Christmas lights, watch the movie Camden bought, feel the sun shine on my face...

I long to accomplish a great and noble task 

but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks 

as if they were great and noble.

- Helen Keller

After dinner, and enjoying the movie, I found the energy to toss in the laundry, tidy my side of the room, and clear the bathroom counter. This is the kind of list that will never be complete, but having a few less things to think about will make it easier to start in on the first real-life week of the new year. 

in the stillness

Sometimes I need to be reminded that sweat is not the only reason to go for a walk, and perhaps the reason to follow the beckoning of the tree line, backlit with the pink promise of sunrise, is simply to breathe.

In maybe the stillest May I can ever remember, I find myself having to slow down even more, which honestly seems like a cruel reverse. Last week I was chasing the 15 minute mile, and this week, trying to hold off the bronchitis, the medicine combo has stopped that race in its tracks.

But this morning, I needed to get out and center my soul. A slow steady stroll. Cool morning air, which has been glorious after the early spring heat. The birds singing their song under the moon, still standing watch over the cul de sacs for just a few more minutes.

And then there was that promise.

All worship. Be still and know, indeed.

this season...

Perhaps more than ever before, I feel myself beginning to bloom. I feel good in my skin, and am proud of the accomplishments I am making. Am I where I want to be? I'm getting there. It may not be as quickly as I want it to be, but I remind myself that the lessons don't come easy, and the longer I press the habits into my mind, the better chance I have at sticking by them. I have miles to go, but feel confident in my ability to continue the journey and make it my own.

And so the blooming? It is a joy that exudes and convinces me to start a conversation without fear, or dance in a crowd without caring if someone is watching. It is loud laughter and a funny comment, or sharing a bit of life-lived advice, offering my heart. It is stepping out of my shadow, and feeling like I belong.

This is the season she will make beautiful things.
Not perfect things,but honest things
that speak to who she is and who she is called to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

up close...

I swoop my hair to the left as I lean in to the mirror, assessing the smudged liner at the corners of my eyes. Up this close, I see the light catch the silver strands that hide among the chestnut, and I wonder for the umpteenth time if I should do something about them. There aren't too many, but just a few months ago someone gave me a genuine compliment on my highlights. No, that's just my 48 years making their presence known. Once again, I decide to let it go and steer the concentration back to the ever-smudge of dark liner framing my eyes.

Once upon a time, a friend began to refer to me as the girl with the smiling eyes. How I love that! and wonder, do they still smile? Staring into the depths of flecked green, I crinkle up my eyes, and the reflection does, indeed, smile back. I believe it is the result of select wisdom, shared during my youth, by people I have admired...words that stuck in my soul and wrapped around my heart.

You shouldn't need a smile on your face for people to know you are happy... this is from my Mom, spoken as we trudged our way through knee deep snow, homeward bound from our walk to North Scituate on a snow day. I remember the fun of the walk, the chill, and visiting the yarn store {was it the only thing open?} and her voice sharing this bit of wisdom.

Your eyes are the windows to your soul, my dear...spoken in US History class by a favorite teacher. I had not done my reading, and he knew it. Though he said it with a smile, and a twinkle in his eye, he know that I understood, and I certainly realized that these eyes of mine are a dead give away.

And so my eyes tell the tale of today...
I am content.
I am joyful and joy-filled.
I am ready for adventure... even if it just a walk around the block.
I am here for you.
I am...

red rocks...

While we were in Colorado, we drove out to Red Rocks amphitheater. I loved being out of the city, driving into the foothills, and then seeing the crop of red rocks stand out against the blue sky. Eric immediately said kopjes! and brought us all back to the islands of rocks that stand tall among the grasses of the Serengeti {think Pride Rock in Lion King!}

We wandered the Colorado Music Hall of Fame, and then took to the path that led us up to the amphitheater. My legs immediately began to groan, and I wondered if they were just tiring easily from all the walking we did in the city the day before, or if this was really just the altitude.  Either way, it felt like a climb, just getting to the first row of benches lined up before the stage. We looked up to see at least a hundred people working out on the benches, and I was still trying to just catch my breath. I watched one young lady sprint up the benches, hardly slowing as she neared the top row. It was all I could do to suggest to Cam that we walk up to see the view, I wasn't sure if Eric and Laura would make the attempt.

Eventually, we all arrived at the top rail to look down on the venue... and I while I gulped some water bought at the snack bar, I started regretting my decision to not see a concert here. Lauren Daigle was scheduled to perform the next evening and I would have loved to hear her voice amplify among these red rocks. But... the timing was wrong, and honestly, I didn't know if I could really climb back up here anyway. 

 Yesterday, I caught a clip of Lauren's performance at Red Rocks. Wow... it would have been incredible to hear her sing to the mountains in person.... listening to her sing Rescue just reverberated in my soul.

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

You are not hopeless

Though you have been broken

Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor...

To my kids... this song is for you.
You are grown, you are figuring out life as a grown up, and all that it has to offer. The good, the bad, and the really, really hard. But you are going to make it... beautiful. I want you to know though, that we are here... and with everything I have, if you need me...

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you.

-Lauren Daigle

all the pretty things...

Pretty paper and pretty pens... it's been an all-my-life love affair. And as I gather together my life, they are actual valid tools! These pens were a lovely gift... but not quite as lovely as knowing the person who gave them to me truly believes these sentiments. I hope that you have a special someone who sees you from the inside out and will remind you of these truths when you are wandering through the beautiful mess of life.

what i will hold on to...

Though the memories play through my head and heart, I haven't actually recorded some of the most special moments of the past year. Not writing them down, preserving them in a tangible way, is risky. I don't want to forget... I don't want to lose them in the mess of today {and the todays to come.}

Sometimes I have stood still, closed my eyes, and tried to imprint a memory on my heart, so that I purposefully take the time to revel in the moment... but there are so many other beautiful things that I rush through, not taking the time to drink them in fully, and they are lost in the busyness of ordinary days.

There was a lot of joy tucked in amongst the days of 2018, and feeling great was definitely a highlight, and perhaps too long overdue. It made everything brighter, and easier... and I celebrated it along the way. And on December 11th, on the first anniversary of my life changing successful surgery, I texted my brilliant doctor to thank him. He thanked us right back... for having faith in him, and for showing such patience. I think he can be a humble man, or perhaps the fact that he could not fix my urology problem made him humble. But he kept on researching, and took a chance with something new that he put his own twist on...and it worked. So I celebrate being able to pee... and the freedom that it has brought me in my mind.

This summer I felt free going to Africa, leaving behind the worry and fear.{I think Eric took them on, afraid that I might all of a sudden have a health issue...} I was so happy in Africa, feeling so much joy at our return to the place I fell in love with, afraid that I would never journey back to. I have yet to document the trip, and I'm pressing it on my heart to start soon... because there are incredible experiences to recall and share. Perhaps one of the most awe inspiring moments was when the elephants crossed the road. It was a trip of elephants, and they crossed the roads around us several times... but one morning we watched them gather on the plains, then circled back a while later to see that many more had joined them. And all of a sudden, as if they nodded to each other in agreement, they meandered to the road, and more than ninety elephants crossed before us and behind us. I could have rushed a thousand pictures then and there...but I chose to stop, breathe, and make sure to enjoy the extraordinary moment.

One of my big dreams of last year was to go to Iowa (yes, Iowa!) and see my son play the steel drums in person. I am ever thankful that YouTube can bring him into my living room, but something in me said I had to be there in person. When Camden gave us the concert date we figured out a way to make it happen, and a few days after Thanksgiving we made our way to Iowa. The concert was the main attraction for me... but the traveling and spending time with Eric gave me a joy all of its own. I just felt lucky to be there, grateful to have those days apart from the rest of real life. I knew Cam wouldn't have a lot of free time, so we would have to make our own fun...and we did. Those days have a glow about them in my memory... and I love that. And of course, the concert was fantastic - and when the professor announced that it was Camden's last, the emotions spilled over. I remembered how he didn't want to even try drumming in college, and how once he tried it out, at a new friend's urging, he fell in love with those pans. And I especially remember him telling me that his goal was to make it to the top steel band by his senior year... and he did. He has made a lot of things happen for himself in Iowa...

 Take time to remember... the grand moments and the small. They make us who we are, and help us to dream up the next adventure.
 

these words...

A few of my most favorite words... breathe. hope. love. smile.
They are life to my soul, and I couldn't live without them. I loved coming across this display just after the new year - it reminded me of the way I want to wander through these days. Breathing easy, with the hope & love of Jesus all around me...and a smile on my face.

from the drafts: that week in may...

from the drafts:
i found a few written-but-never-published posts... and to get my voice going, i'm finishing them up!
this one is from LAST may...
________________________________________________________________________________

That week Camden was home in May {see also, this post} was the beginning of the settling of my soul. For too long, my heart had been in a mess over my job, and I finally let go, agreeing to interview for a job that had been {sort of} offered.  And, of course, any time I have the four of us under one roof, life feels good and right.

These two fall right back into their rhythm of banter, and oh how I love to hear the joy in each of their voices across the house. If I ever feel like my parenting has lacked (and so often, I do), I know that I have succeeded in teaching them that their family is their home.

And something almost as important, that I know they know, is that your friends can also be your family. We went out for a family dinner, with friends, to celebrate these two, and their successful first year of college. It was a joy and a relief to know that they overcame their personal challenges and made the most of their opportunities. They soared like the Eagles they are, and found that their scouting skills really are life skills.

We spent his last day at SeaWorld, since we could only get him back to Iowa from Orlando anyway. It was a relaxed kind of day, the only plan being to enjoy. The time together filled my soul, shored up my heart...

Looking forward to August when we are four once again...

who's fooling who?

He's half-way through college, and was been home for six weeks. That's all I get this summer, and I've been thankful for each day. Now I'm up against the longest stretch of ever being apart from him. Six months. Christmas. Suddenly, I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. Am I really doing as okay as I say I am? Or... in the in-betweens, am I just marking time, as if living for the weekend?

I count the hours until he arrives, and when my arms are finally around him, joy spills down my cheeks. And the last week he's home, my emotions catch me off guard and the tears spring at any given thought. He's sweet though, and the sight of those tears brings out the very best in him... and he promises to be better at calling me. We'll see.

Our empty nest is just another four weeks away... and we prepare for it with excitement. For us, and for them. The opportunities Laura & Camden have created for themselves are quite amazing, and we are so thankful and thrilled for them! And this is the way it should be... what we dreamed about, worked towards, planned for. So why the emotion? The coming and goings are hard... they just are. Especially knowing that this is the next step to from now on...

Maybe it's just fair to say that the joy I get from having our family of four under one roof is something so beautiful and, as time goes on, rare... so when I'm in the midst of it, there is hardly anything else...

struggling through the week{s}

Last week there were times I wondered if I'd make it back 'round to the weekend. We had tumbled into Monday totally unprepared... the gas gauge nearing empty, and hardly any food in the fridge, since we never quite made it to Publix. To be fair, I know Eric was suggesting we go after church, but at the time, I didn’t feel like thinking about the week ahead and how to prepare for it.  That was a mistake, and I paid for it all week long. Tuesday felt like Wednesday, and Wednesday surely should have been Thursday... but somehow I actually managed to make it to my haircut on the right day. 

I would have liked a do-over. 

This week, with lesson learned, I started Monday confidently... but... is still hasn't been smooth sailing. There could be a thousand reasons, starting with a heart unsettled, but I'm not giving up. February is here and Suzanne sent me this picture the other night:

Okay New Year... I'll try to keep up. 

there goes my baby...

Another airport goodbye today... and as I keep my eyes glued to his back as he navigates the security line, I pray for him. Baby? Not anymore. Not even close. He celebrated 20 a couple of weeks ago. {Yes, please say it - How is that possible, where has the time gone?!}

It occurs to me that this is just another in a long line of from now on. There will be beautiful reunions filled with as many memories as we can fit in, but the reality of it is, there is always going to be a goodbye on the other end. I raised him up for this, and I knew I would miss him fiercely when he went... but the inevitable just might break me every time. I get by with letting a few stray tears slip down my face, a deep breath, and a thank you to God for holding him close.

p.s.... A thank you to the nice TSA gentleman who told Cam he should give me one more hug. Terence, that was a gift.

healing june...

Dear June,

Thank you. Thank you for being the start of healing me. You were my fresh start, my second (fourth?) chance, the window that let peace find its way in again. 

Maybe I will never overcome the first day jitters, but it was all joy once I arrived at my new job and was welcomed with arms wide open. It has been a great change for me, and an easy adjustment. I miss my friends at the old place, but once I realized that just walking in the door there filled me with an anger, the choice to leave was made. I could compile a whole list of why I love my new job, but the most important reason is the peace that it has brought to my soul. 

Peace also comes to me here... the gentle sound of the gulf, the laughter that bubbles up from me when I watch the coquinas dig their way back into the sand, and the way a walk along the shore clears my mind to make way for new blessings.

I knew in May that I would have to repeat the surgery from last October. I had two procedures in between, we scheduled the big surgery for August, then moved it up to June. That October ordeal was lingering in my head, but I was hopeful that it would not be repeated, and I prayed for an easier time. My parents decided that they would come across to Miami this time, and I was thankful for a kiss and an I love you from my Mom before I was rolled away. As always, Eric was by my side until they sent him to the waiting room. When I woke up in recovery I felt good, and was so thankful for a successful surgery. We even went home that night. Eric is such a good caretaker... I am ever thankful that he puts up with me. Will the surgery be a forever fix this time around? I just don't know, but it was worth a(nother) shot. 

And, June, when the end of you rolled around, I felt like I was enjoying the new beginning of me. I still had a lot on my plate, and a little more time to devote to healing, but you surrounded me with the people who love me... and you reminded me that laughter, friends, cheesecake, wine, and even salad, can sometimes be some of the very best medicine. 

Oh June, thank you... from the bottom of my heart.

through the woods...

Yesterday had me content on the couch, in my pajamas, enjoying the Olympics. But I kept hearing a voice in my head saying win the weekend, it's not too late. With sleepy eyes, and not too much convincing in my voice, I suggested a walk to the swamp. I think it was met with the same unconvinced heart. But...

It was just what I needed, as it almost always is. The sky was overcast, holding off the heat, and as we made our way deeper into the swamp, we could feel the air cool just a little bit more. As we passed the trees with the red lichen, I took a few extra deep breaths, drinking that best air into my system.

It has been a tough weekend, with a traffic incident that has shaken me (everyone is okay) and wreaked havoc on my heart. Today it seemed just right to surround myself with God's beauty, a reminder that no matter what, He is everything... and has created everything I need.

the last five steps...

It was the last five steps that were my undoing. 
I made it through the last week with only joy... no undercurrent of any emotion but joy.

When I spotted him coming around the corner, I waved, but Cam's head was down. When he looked up, he saw me instantly and returned the wave. His pace did not increase. He is the laid back one. I held the railing as an anchor, holding me back from rushing the security barrier, and he smiled. In his never ending quest to make me laugh, he began to walk in exaggerated slow motion... and the tears spilled down from out of nowhere. The next moment had his arms around me, muffling the sobs. And I whispered... everyday you come home to me is the best day ever.

**This was written at the beginning of May... he was home for ten days. Our boy is finally home again after this very short trip! He spent the summer back in Iowa researching Monarch butterflies. It was a great opportunity for him... but we are so glad to have him home for a month this time!**

life lately...

When I'm feeling on top of my life, I snap away at the moments, soaking them in, each seeming too sacred to miss. In the midst of my mess, I find fewer and fewer memories recorded... just when I should be seeking His gifts relentlessly. 

1. Taking time out for a beach walk... heavenly. It was even better to catch up
with a friend for six miles, and then another hours rest. 

2. A little spring cleaning... making our doorstep say welcome! I loved that I found something in the house that would make a great shade for the outdoor light... just add zip ties.

3. When Cam & John went to college this fall, we decided we {with Jenn & John}
needed a hobby. Jenn suggested bowling... but wine won when Cooper's Hawk opened.
Monthly wine tastings are better than bowling. 

4. After months and months of our cordless phone dying on pick-up,
we broke down and bought a battery. It seemed like a huge milestone. 

5. Crème brûlée by Eric. Delicious. 

6. Spring walks at Bird Rookery Swamp are a sure way to my heart... and a clear mind.

7. I call it beach litter... and I adore all of the little bits that are tossed up, so artfully, by the sea. 

8. When it is just-about-time for your son to come home, there is shopping to do!

9. I laughed and laughed about how now that "I" am out of school, I still have
school projects... like these little thank yous to the teachers at Eric's schools. They have
made him feel so welcome during his first year as a Youth Relations Deputy.

i realize the why...

I've been writing, off and on, for over eight years.
I have wondered if the words will cease, and joy blooms when I can hear them in my heart again. My words are for me, but I have enjoyed sharing along the way. Sometimes I go back and read... to see where I have been, to gauge where I am. To acknowledge my voice, to make sure I am still me. 

There are lessons, there are things that make me smile, and there are words that bring back the tears as if transported back to that moment in time. I write to remember, to celebrate, and... it occurs to me now, I write to worship.

When I go back and read, I see it.
I see the worshiping... the singing thanks for the gifts that He has lavished upon me. The sunsets, the sea, the love, and the mess of me.

I am nothing without God, the author of my life. He has me on a journey... one that will begin again in His arms. But in the now, He nudges me to notice, to give thanks, to revel in the beauty He has created.

The words are coming around again...