from miles away...

I saw it and smiled. Polar bear. Bubbles. Immediately my thoughts went to Laura...
The next steps? Screenshot. Save. Send.

from zoo_aquariums instagram feed. seneca park zoo.

My phone is full of screenshots... quotes, photos, SnapChats, any social media my children pop up on. Sometimes it seems the only way to capture them at this hard stage of young adult life. I save them with intention. To print, to compile...create. It's been a while since I created a photo album of memories, but maybe one day soon. I crave the finished product, but I always seem to have a mess to clean up before I can begin. One day...

Laura replies, and my heart... it skips a beat. I count thanks, and I ache.
Oh, that's so cute. Haha. I needed that. She went on to share a little frustration of her day.
Her new life fills me with joy, but in these moments I want to be within her reach. To ease her heart, to bolster her spirits, to reassure. To squeeze her hand from miles away.

starting the day with a dance...

My body aches today, just a little past that good ache of a great workout. This was meant to be my testing the waters, take it slow week after the bronchitis, but... give me a great upbeat song and I just can't help but give a little more effort, and even dance through the breaks. The music just takes me places I can't go myself. And so... I will tell myself that this ache is good anyway.

It has been a year long prayer... to crave exercise. I never knew it was possible, but about six years ago, I was there, and what it did for my soul (and body) was incredible. But I got tired... and stopped, and then I couldn't find my way back through the sicknesses and surgeries. But here I am, two years surgery-free {and healed!} and finding ways to fit exercise into my life, even between the workouts.

I been praying (how long?)
For so, so long
Believing (for what?)
That day would come
He heard me (yes, he did)
And he pulled me out
He put me right here for such a time as now

This morning, it was Mandisa's Good News that set me off dancing. And that last line? I believe it. God has set me in this place for this moment. It may not be an Esther-size purpose, and that is just fine with me! I set out for my day, I feel propelled forward in His grace, ready for the purpose He places before me. God has stretched my heart in so many ways over the past few months... and I just trust. And run. And dance.

our girl...

Last summer, her world shifted. Home from a mountaintop experience of volunteering at the LCMS National Youth Gathering, she lost half her work hours at the zoo. As much as she loves {LOVES} that zoo, getting her full time hours was a struggle - she'd work them a few weeks, and then she wasn't scheduled for anything but her giraffe time. We could tell it was taking a toll on her confidence, her dreams, and on her soul itself.

After a(nother) month of struggling, she decided to look for a part time job to add to her giraffe days. The local Children's Museum interviewed her for less than ten minutes, and then she got a call offering the job. She's been there since September, and loving it.

halloween at the museum

Within weeks we noticed she was coming back around to herself... and we have just been thankful. Even though her work week was six days (3 days zoo, 3 days museum) she began to blossom once again. I have loved listening to her chatter on about her day, and once in a while she shares that she earned another "star"... a compliment from a co-worker or a guest.

At the end of April, Laura received news that she had been accepted to join the Lutheran Young Adult Corps... and it is her current dream come true. In just a month she will be headed off for urban ministry in Boston! It is a ten month position and she thrilled to have the chance to be a part of this first mission!

All along, through her Zoo School experience and her jobs, I have continued to recite the verse that helps me breathe when I start to worry about the future...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He has hopes and dreams for us that we can hardly fathom... and He will lead us to them. When you look back along the journey, it is amazing to see the twists & turns in the road... and in place of those hairpin turns that broke our hearts, we now say ah-ha! I am ever thankful for this... as it gets me through the newest twist along our way, with a sense of comfort, even in the dark.

Time is flying, as summer does, and the time for her to head north is coming quickly. We can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her as he continues to work in her life.

easter reflection...

The journey to Easter breaks me. Always. It doesn't matter if I have trudged through Lent or skipped through it. I arrive at the tomb crushed with the weight of sin and sadness - even though I know how the story ends! It makes me realize, though, that the only way to fully receive the gift of the Resurrection is to have your soul open wide. The trumpeting lilies and the golden alleluias sing a song of victory that heals the broken in me.
Then sings my soul...

And if you can't all be together for Easter, at least there is SnapChat...

It does my heart so much good that Cam has found a church home in Iowa. Thank you, God. 

that sweet, sweet scent

I was three steps down my front walk when I noticed it, at last. I can smell the orange blossoms. I stopped and just breathed it in for a few moments, savoring that heady, rich scent. I was beginning to think that I might have missed it... or that with all of the building going on in our area that there were no longer any fruit trees close enough. But no, this morning, as I breathed in my fill of Jesus air, a peace that I have been craving washed over my heart.
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There are some years I am so in tune with the journey to Easter, intentionally taking every step from Ash Wednesday to Easter. And there are other years, like this one, where I find myself on the fringe, letting it happen without me. I let the Sunday sermons carry me to Easter, knowing full well that my heart needs more. I was so thankful, this past Sunday, to sit alert in my seat, and hear the whole story, word for very word.

Sunday night, we watched the live Passion event from New Orleans. It is the very place I associate with the journey, as it is the place I have grown the most in my faith, seeing the story played out in so many ways {here and here.} As that illuminated cross traveled the dark city streets, it felt so familiar, so personal. The music was divine... and as Trisha Yearwood sang her goodbye, my soul was shaking, tears were streaming down my face.

And so here I find myself, in the midst of Holy Week, needing to be filled and overwhelmed by Easter... and knowing that sweet scent was sent to do it.

tears for two...

Some days they can collide.  Sorrow and joy. 
I was thankful I had tucked this into my pocket... because my heart was churning and I could feel the tears coming...

Those tears of sorrow caught me during church, where I am stripped raw of me and all that remains is the thinnest skin... so open to God and what He has to teach.  Cam leaned over and smiled about one of his favorite songs... Shine, Jesus Shine.  And that was what did me in.  One year away from this earth, and I am so missing her.  I see her face in photos and smile, and oh I know she is home... but some days I wish for her perspective and grace and light... and the way that she could shine Jesus into this messy life.  My voice was caught up in silent sobs, but I followed along, letting Jesus shine through my smile as I caught those tears in the hankie I carried then...

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With a flurry of planning and whispers of excitement, we caught her totally off guard.  Only home from her Macie Kate travels two days, we surprised her with a Grandma shower.  I don't even recall if we yelled surprise when she opened the door and her mouth fell into an "O."  I was so filled with joy at her arrival.  The tears slid down my face as she made her way around the room, hugging the women who had helped hold her up, prayed with her and for her... and for her family.  Oh there was joy in that room!  For hours we laughed and listened to stories... and enjoyed our grown-up tea party.  And later, when she called me to say thank you, a tear or two more slipped on by that embroidered hankie as we relived the day...

 His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.

-Psalm 30:5

yay five!

We celebrate life in fives... five-ten-fifteen-twenty...
If  you count by fives long enough, you fall into that sing-song elementary rhythm that is inescapable.  But when I think five, Rudy Huxtable's voice slips into my head shouting Yay five!  There is just something about that number.  And when my kiddos hit that magic milestone, you can be sure that I was shouting Yay five! as we high five-d and celebated. 

And today, I shout it again, amazed that I have written five posts, let alone five years worth of posts.  I clicked that "create blog" button without a clue that I would have anything to say, that I would enjoy writing again, and especially that I was entering into a community where friends on the other side of this screen are real and true.  My mother was horrified and my husband was suspicious... but God brought the words to my heart, and Beyond Grace won them over in a beautiful way.

Five years ago, I was right where I wanted to be.  Life was grand.  And then things started changing, causing me to stretch and grow beyond that grand little place.  It was hard and sometimes it hurt more than I thought I could bear... and other times, it was more beautiful than I could have possibly dreamed!  I am so thankful that God had more in mind for me!   He has shown me the messy and the beautiful... and that the messy can be beautiful if you change the eyes of your heart.  He has taught me to dance and to dream... that no matter where I am, He'll meet me right there.  And when I wonder if the words will keep coming, I will just remember, with a smile on my face, that God's not done with me yet...

 

Thank you...

for reading my heart and finding something beautiful here. 

click here for a "remember when" post!

early or late... and always

I've never been to an Easter sunrise service...
That seems strange, coming from the girl who longs to rush to the shore for every sunrise and sunset... but I suppose the timing has never been quite right.  Maybe someday...
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I woke this Easter Sunday knowing that it would be different. 
Eric working... yuck. 
Late service... double yuck.  The only saving grace for that would be Camden being the crucifer...
But somewhere in my heart I felt a breath of grace, and it allowed me to set aside me and open my heart to the possibility that God might just have something in store for me... at the late service.

After my Cadbury egg breakfast, I still had a hour or so to pass... and maybe it was the sugar talking, but it sent me right to the treadmill. And right there, at the edge of the garage, I celebrated my very own sunrise Easter worship.  Big Daddy Weave sang all of the right words and for 30 minutes my feet kept pace with my tears, and my arms flew high in praise and wide to receive Him.  Mad lip-syncing worship... oh how my heart felt every word, with sun on my face and a full, full heart.

Yours is the name, the name that has saved me

 mercy and grace the power that forgave me

and Your Love is all I never needed

Jesus... just that name 

When it was finally time to head for the late service, Camden & I set out on our own.  The radio was proclaiming a Palm Sunday sermon from the week before... and as the Pastor spoke, my stomach grew sick.  I felt His pain... there on the cross.   Right then and there, without trumpet fanfare or an alleluia for miles, I knew I needed Easter... early and late.  And I needed it now... 
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Easter Sunday turned out beautiful and better than I could have planned.
Full of laughter and love and fun and family... Jesus. Always.

sand in my toes, rain in my hair

There was no question about giving up a few hours on Sunday, I would have given her the whole Sunday... the whole week if she had asked.  The questions were in the sky.  What time was sunset?  Would the chance of showers turn into a rainy mess?  Would the dark clouds loom too close?  As the afternoon ticked on, I wondered if we would see the sun at all.  Making our way to the beach, I prayed to the God of impossible things...  please God... hold back the rain.  I knew Ann was praying the same.

It began as we stepped off the boardwalk and into the sand.  Umbrellas up, towels out... and we stood beneath the seagrapes, trying to stay dry.  Praying. Checking the radar.  Laughing. Praying some more, with faith unwavering.  And at last... God parted the clouds.

I wanted to take the pictures of a lifetime, not to say that I did, but just for her and her family.  Because they just might be the pictures of her lifetime.  The camera clicked for twenty minutes and their little family snuggled in laughing and smiling while I did my best to document the love that shone around them. Deep down my heart knew that no matter what, the photos would be a gift.  To her now.  For them... down the road.

The rain returned... and hoping that we had plenty of good shots, we trekked back to the car.  Evidence of waves wrapped 'round my knees, and my hair was soaked with rain.  To add insult to injury, I hit the wrong button at the shower, and expecting the sand to be washed from my toes, a blast of icy water hit my head.  And then... they offered dinner.  I wanted to say yes! But could I put this vanity aside?  Through a smile my insides hemmed. and hawed.  But how could I say no, knowing that every moment is precious? So I did the best I could with the only comb I could find {those little picks on the ends of a toy tiara} and I vowed to put a hairbrush in the car for next time.  And though I walked into that restaraunt almost dripping wet, I was smiling, thankful to have grabbed the moment. 


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Some gifts sit lonely waiting to be recognized.  Some have a time limit. 
That she would ask me to take these pictures, that she would let me.  The beautiful is her... my dear, sweet friend who is fighting for life.  The messy is me... praying for the impossible, and fighting back the tears on any given day.  I teach myself to seek.  And I try not to let myself get in the way.  Because all we really have is right now.  The mess will likely never end... so I might as well splash in it. 

Unwrapping life, a most precious gift, on a Tuesday...

the truth of ugly and grace...

For the last two weeks, Richella has commented on a post and asked me to please post this to my Grace Imparted link-party!  But this week I am on my own... and I've been searching my mind for that little bit of grace.  There has been grace, offered and received... acceptance of office supply hoarding, because I know she comes by it rightly and a day at the beach when I know he'd rather spend the day doing anything but.  But somehow I could feel grace lingering in a larger way... and so I sought it.  In the seeking, there was finding... but there was also awful truth that is stinging my heart because I know it is just that.  Truth. 
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One of the first places I look for inspiration is Jesus Calling... I gravitate towards it,   knowing that His word will be just for me, just right.  Today the words that struck my heart were Nothing will ever separate you from me and You are engraved on the palm of my hand.  The words move through me and stick like glue.  Superglue... glue that once you stick it, it is there to stay.  Glue that cannot be un-stuck.   

Driving to work, the words were still wandering my heart  and I was still searching for the little bit of grace to share.  I have come to learn that searching and seeking will often lead to an answer... and there it was.  On my radio.  The words were so strong and so true that I wanted to hide my face... in shame.  I knew it was my answer for today and yet... I did not want to share this ugly truth about me.  But I asked, and He answered...

I am the thorn in your crown, but You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow, but You love me anyway

I am the nail in Your wrist, but You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss, but You love me anyway

See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd  for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground.

With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace, and then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life...

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known


Still you call me to walk on the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly...
-lyrics from You Love Me Anyway, Sidewalk Prophets

You see... when it got to the part about being the nail in His wrist... it brought me around to how we are really engraved on the palm of His hand.  And if I am that nail... then I am all those other things too.   Judas' kiss?  A betrayer?  Me?  And a part of the crowd crying Crucify Him?  The thorn and the sweat I could handle... but this seems like too much.  And yet... I don't really need anyone to tell me where I'd be without the events of Cavalry.  And still... He loves me anyway.  That is the simple, beautiful truth I need to cover the ugly. 
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So maybe this is not the little bit of grace I was searching for today... and perhaps it might have been a better start to a Monday if I had splashed beautiful beach photos before your eyes.  But I just couldn't.