perspective

Yesterday I was zoo-bound and listening to the radio on the way. I may have said it before but, my car is my chapel. Not my only chapel, but a good amount of worship happens in my car when I am driving alone. I mostly switch around between my three favorite stations, so I can stay in worship mode and not hear the ads and chatter, but once in a while, the conversation pulls me in. Yesterday... they were talking about giving the new year (and the old) some kind of perspective and offered this fill in the blank sentence: 2020 was _____ so in 2021 I'm ____. It made me think about how I would fill in those blanks.

2020 was productive, and in 2021 I want to keep up that momentum.

2020 was still, and in 2021 I want to be intentional of how I spend my time and not be in rush mode for no reason.

I'm looking forward, even though I'm documenting some of last year {for posterity}, but in reflection, I hope to bring along some of those lessons, some of those gifts. How would you fill in the blanks?

the lenten letters

Some of my zoo days are my best days. The conversations that happen around the table, amidst peanuts, palm fronds, and paint splattered everything, always leave me smiling. Sometimes it's all out laughter, and other days it is downright holy.

Ash Wednesday, after I was lamenting our King Cake debacle, the talk turned to Lent and forty days and did you have any plans to navigate those days? Terrie shared her plan and I was already in love with it before she finished describing it. Forty letters, to forty people, in forty days. Letter to say... you mean the world to me, I love you, you are important to me. When was the last time you received mail like that? 

When I got home that afternoon, I gathered my supplies together {note cards, envelopes, stamps} and made the list. And then I started writing, and my daily trips to the mailbox became a prayer walk. Did I miss a few days? Yes. Did I play catch-up? Yes. Did I finish in time? No. But I kept on going.

In my own little bubble, I sent out these messages to the people I love and let them know. What I did not expect was that there would be a return. Over the next weeks, often a text would pop into my phone. I just received the kindest note. This is a keeper. I love you, too. I needed this today. While I might have imagined a friend opening the note, and smiling, I hadn't thought that far... and I didn't expect to be so blessed in return. And it was beautiful.

I'm not sure why I was so surprised, because isn't that just like God, to pile on the blessings...

in the stillness

Sometimes I need to be reminded that sweat is not the only reason to go for a walk, and perhaps the reason to follow the beckoning of the tree line, backlit with the pink promise of sunrise, is simply to breathe.

In maybe the stillest May I can ever remember, I find myself having to slow down even more, which honestly seems like a cruel reverse. Last week I was chasing the 15 minute mile, and this week, trying to hold off the bronchitis, the medicine combo has stopped that race in its tracks.

But this morning, I needed to get out and center my soul. A slow steady stroll. Cool morning air, which has been glorious after the early spring heat. The birds singing their song under the moon, still standing watch over the cul de sacs for just a few more minutes.

And then there was that promise.

All worship. Be still and know, indeed.

being light...

Never would I have thought how much I would enjoy sharing an office with someone... but I do love it. I'm sure it has all to do with who she is. We chat and we laugh, we get our work done, and then we might laugh a little more... and sometimes we share hearts. The other day she told me that she was telling her husband how nice I was, genuinely nice, and how she has always wanted to be that. Humbled by her statement, I let her know that she is, because she has a really kind, beautiful heart! But then she went on to relate it to being a Christian. Now that has made me think...

While I certainly don't believe that Christians have a monopoly on kindness or being nice, I do think, for me, my faith is who I am and it directs my heart towards kindness, and making someone's day a little bit brighter if I can. People pleaser? Yes. Once it was out of fear of not being liked, but now? I take these statements to heart...

You may be the only Jesus someone sees today.

and

Spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. - Mother Teresa 

Later, the topic came up in conversation with someone else. Though I know that the words and joy that flow from me are genuine, I wondered... do people feel the truth in me? My breath caught as I waited on her reply, but there wasn't a need. She spoke what I hoped to hear, and went on to qualify it and reinforce it. Exhale.

Live your truth, let your joy shine in the skip of your step, the smile on your face {or in your eyes}, and your actions. Live out loud... because you really might be the only glimpse of Jesus in someone's day, and I think it is the easiest, most beautiful way, to share the Good News.

starting the day with a dance...

My body aches today, just a little past that good ache of a great workout. This was meant to be my testing the waters, take it slow week after the bronchitis, but... give me a great upbeat song and I just can't help but give a little more effort, and even dance through the breaks. The music just takes me places I can't go myself. And so... I will tell myself that this ache is good anyway.

It has been a year long prayer... to crave exercise. I never knew it was possible, but about six years ago, I was there, and what it did for my soul (and body) was incredible. But I got tired... and stopped, and then I couldn't find my way back through the sicknesses and surgeries. But here I am, two years surgery-free {and healed!} and finding ways to fit exercise into my life, even between the workouts.

I been praying (how long?)
For so, so long
Believing (for what?)
That day would come
He heard me (yes, he did)
And he pulled me out
He put me right here for such a time as now

This morning, it was Mandisa's Good News that set me off dancing. And that last line? I believe it. God has set me in this place for this moment. It may not be an Esther-size purpose, and that is just fine with me! I set out for my day, I feel propelled forward in His grace, ready for the purpose He places before me. God has stretched my heart in so many ways over the past few months... and I just trust. And run. And dance.

let the vineyards be fruitful...

We visited Cedar Ridge Winery when we visited Camden last November... twice. It was my first {and second} trip to a vineyard, and I was excited to see all it had to offer! The day was gray, the drizzle was heavy... and the vines were in hibernation for the winter. Good thing I'm not the kind of girl who would let that get in the way of enjoying the wine and our visit! We brought Camden back for lunch the next day... in the even heavier drizzle.

Coming back to Iowa in the {almost} spring was such a joy! It was still cold {some days very cold!} but the landscapes were green, the trees were beginning to bud, and the flowers were in bloom. And... the vineyard was green.

We brought our parents to the vineyard for lunch, for a casual and fun adventure. Half of me was enjoying the lunch and the wine... and the other half of me was itching to get outside and walk through the vineyard. I wasn't sure if Eric would go for it, because we had already done a little morning hike, but I knew I was going to try to get him to say yes anyway.

I can be very persuasive... or, he just loves me that much.
Our parents went on to figure out their own afternoon adventures and we walked. The air was crisp, and the skies were blue... my perfect kind of day. And just us, hand in hand, was what my soul needed to quiet itself in the frenzy of family and celebrations. While we walked the rows, my heart was singing...

Let the vineyards be fruitful, Lord, 

and fill to the brim our cup of blessing.

...it just seemed fitting.

And when we had walked up the last hill back towards the restaurant. I paused to take a picture... the brilliant pink blooms knew I couldn't resist. A woman spotted us, and struck up a conversation about the flowering trees, Iowa, and the beautiful day. It was a simple conversation, not much deeper than how's the weather? but I love moments like this because it's not really us to have these conversations with strangers.  It adds so much to our life, and makes me feel like we are growing! A few minutes later, her husband walked up and joined us, introductions were made all around, and the conversation continued. More about Iowa, a little about Florida, and then some graduation talk. And then...Richard told us that he & Kim have a small local ministry, and asked us if he could say a blessing for us. So there we stood, in the beauty of the day, with pink blooms floating around us, and he prayed. For us, for Camden, for his journey from graduation...

It was beautiful, and it made me cry... for a hundred reasons. God knows just what we need, and His timing is always perfect.

Let the vineyards be fruitful, Lord...

sunday splash...

God is always seeking you.
Every sunset, every clear blue sky, every ocean wave, the starry host of night.
He blankets each day with the invitation, "I am here."
Louie Giglio

she keeps leaping...

We loved seeing Laura in Boston, and meeting the people she has been working with for the last ten months. They have become family, and we could tell, that as May progressed and the end of this assignment was coming closer, that it was getting hard. How do you say goodbye to the new life that you have created? And... where do you go from here?

She thought she was staying in Boston through the summer, but when that fell through (which may have produced my crazy thought) she had little time to figure out her options, and what might be the next best thing for her. Her new people jumped into limbo with her, and using their resources, worked to help her make a new plan.

God's timing is {always} perfect. Two days before we arrived in Boston, Laura left the land of limbo and found out she would be heading to New Orleans to serve with the Lutheran Young Adult Corp for 10 weeks. She is thrilled to have a new placement, a next adventure! And two days after we kissed her goodbye, she landed in NOLA to begin her new work.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares
the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

her leap of faith...

She is more than half-way through her latest and greatest adventure...

We counted down the months, then weeks, and before it hardly seemed possible, she was commissioned in our church to serve with the Lutheran Young Adult Corps. In August she flew to St. Louis, with excitement in her heart, for two weeks of training before she finally made it to Boston, her city of service. A ten month commitment.

With her new roommates {and I imagine, lifelong friends!} she has explored the city, and embraced her new lifestyle. Hearing the joy in her voice brings tears to my eyes... she is really living. Thriving! It thrills me.

Last month there was an article in Lutherans Engage about what these amazing young women are doing in Boston. Between the two Lutheran churches in the city, they are building a college ministry and serving in an after-school preschool program. They take time to work with New England Seafarers Mission and the homeless. But they are not just serving... they are growing in faith as they stretch themselves and their hearts. {Read the article here!}

I know May will come too quickly for her... and that she will forever cherish this season in her life. My prayer is that there will be an open door for her somewhere at the end of this... that this journey will help her find the next. I know God hears every prayer, and I'm excited to see just how He answers it.

to be welcomed is to be loved...

Last week I drove my niece & nephew to camp for two days... and the camp just happened to be at our old church, across town. On the second day, I knew I needed to take the time to scoot and and say hi to Miss Julie, our favorite pre-school teacher, who taught both of my kids, as well as Tina's.

On the way in, the organist saw me and wrapped me up in his arms, so happy to see me. {Eric & I took his son to the youth gathering in 2001!} He invited me to come see his music camp musical during the Sunday service, or at least the dress rehearsal happening in 2 hours.

I finally made it to Julie... her smile was as bright as mine, and she welcomed me with open arms. We chatted, caught up on our kids, and made a promise to make a lunch date soon.

This church will always have a element of "home" for us... it was where our kids met Jesus, where I thought they would be married... the church of their childhood. In 2005 we moved to our current church, closer to home and a chance to be part of a new mission. It is hard to believe we have now been here longer than we were there...

I called Eric, and he had time to come over to see the dress rehearsal with me... and it was fantastic. There were more hugs all around, a little unexpected police business, and then we drove away. How beautiful it was to be so welcomed... and the love they shared, the love of Christ, shone all around our day.

through the woods...

Yesterday had me content on the couch, in my pajamas, enjoying the Olympics. But I kept hearing a voice in my head saying win the weekend, it's not too late. With sleepy eyes, and not too much convincing in my voice, I suggested a walk to the swamp. I think it was met with the same unconvinced heart. But...

It was just what I needed, as it almost always is. The sky was overcast, holding off the heat, and as we made our way deeper into the swamp, we could feel the air cool just a little bit more. As we passed the trees with the red lichen, I took a few extra deep breaths, drinking that best air into my system.

It has been a tough weekend, with a traffic incident that has shaken me (everyone is okay) and wreaked havoc on my heart. Today it seemed just right to surround myself with God's beauty, a reminder that no matter what, He is everything... and has created everything I need.

i realize the why...

I've been writing, off and on, for over eight years.
I have wondered if the words will cease, and joy blooms when I can hear them in my heart again. My words are for me, but I have enjoyed sharing along the way. Sometimes I go back and read... to see where I have been, to gauge where I am. To acknowledge my voice, to make sure I am still me. 

There are lessons, there are things that make me smile, and there are words that bring back the tears as if transported back to that moment in time. I write to remember, to celebrate, and... it occurs to me now, I write to worship.

When I go back and read, I see it.
I see the worshiping... the singing thanks for the gifts that He has lavished upon me. The sunsets, the sea, the love, and the mess of me.

I am nothing without God, the author of my life. He has me on a journey... one that will begin again in His arms. But in the now, He nudges me to notice, to give thanks, to revel in the beauty He has created.

The words are coming around again...

easter reflection...

The journey to Easter breaks me. Always. It doesn't matter if I have trudged through Lent or skipped through it. I arrive at the tomb crushed with the weight of sin and sadness - even though I know how the story ends! It makes me realize, though, that the only way to fully receive the gift of the Resurrection is to have your soul open wide. The trumpeting lilies and the golden alleluias sing a song of victory that heals the broken in me.
Then sings my soul...

And if you can't all be together for Easter, at least there is SnapChat...

It does my heart so much good that Cam has found a church home in Iowa. Thank you, God. 

that sweet, sweet scent

I was three steps down my front walk when I noticed it, at last. I can smell the orange blossoms. I stopped and just breathed it in for a few moments, savoring that heady, rich scent. I was beginning to think that I might have missed it... or that with all of the building going on in our area that there were no longer any fruit trees close enough. But no, this morning, as I breathed in my fill of Jesus air, a peace that I have been craving washed over my heart.
: :
There are some years I am so in tune with the journey to Easter, intentionally taking every step from Ash Wednesday to Easter. And there are other years, like this one, where I find myself on the fringe, letting it happen without me. I let the Sunday sermons carry me to Easter, knowing full well that my heart needs more. I was so thankful, this past Sunday, to sit alert in my seat, and hear the whole story, word for very word.

Sunday night, we watched the live Passion event from New Orleans. It is the very place I associate with the journey, as it is the place I have grown the most in my faith, seeing the story played out in so many ways {here and here.} As that illuminated cross traveled the dark city streets, it felt so familiar, so personal. The music was divine... and as Trisha Yearwood sang her goodbye, my soul was shaking, tears were streaming down my face.

And so here I find myself, in the midst of Holy Week, needing to be filled and overwhelmed by Easter... and knowing that sweet scent was sent to do it.

loved.

I am pushing myself through the days, sometimes speaking out loud to accomplish this or make progress on that. This morning I hit a wall... wondering if I was coming or going, and only wanting to hide under the covers for a few more hours, or maybe the rest of the day. I wonder if I am starting to get sick, but I don't even what to think about it, since I must be well for my surgery next week. {surgery?! yes... hoping for a final fix to this.}

I headed out the door anyway... and in my blah mood, my eyes were glued to the road, my heart heavy with doubt. Half-way to work, three of my favorite songs played on the radio in a row, starting with Mandisa's Good Morning... how can you not feel just-a-little-better when you hear that? Though I felt encouraged, I could still feel a tear or two hovering in the wings.  I dropped Laura at the zoo, thanked her for her help in getting me out the door this morning, and then headed off to work, wondering, how? And just before I came to the zoo entrance, I spotted a little blue zippy car. I stopped and in a flurry of arms flying and buttons being pushed, I finally got my window rolled down. She did the same, and we shouted I love yous across the road.

Thank you, God... for lining up your love for me... even putting my Mom in just the right place at just the right time. You always know just what I need, and I am so thankful for your provision, the way you make me feel loved.

while she waits...

The other day my girl got in the car after work and showed me her one year zoo pin. One year of working at the zoo, making her way towards her dream.  She was happy, and proud... and I am thankful (and also proud of her!) I know she is afraid she won't get to where she really wants to be, and all I can tell her is that I believe she can, and will. It takes time.  She works hard and loves her job, and I want the world for her... but oh the marking time is hard. On Fridays she gets dirty being a giraffe keeper aide... one day a week, unpaid, and she loves every minute of it.  We hope that someday this will be part of her paid job, but in the meantime, she does love her days at the giraffe feeding station, and she is gaining great experience. Waiting on God's timing can be overwhelming and frustrating, but it is such lesson for life...

God's plan from the startFor this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

-from Steven Curtis Chapman's The Glorious Unfolding

when it is time to begin again...

I don't take much stock in fortune cookies.

But I believe in a God who can do the impossible... and I believe the message matches up with what God has been pressing on my heart.
It is time to begin again...

overwhelmed... for good.

The past several weeks have found me overwhelmed, by the big and the small.  I could see the end, I knew it would just take time... time I did not necessarily want to wish away. I held on, managed each task as it emerged {mine, or not} and I find myself here... overwhelmed, for good.

I see the work of Your Hands

Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God

All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice

All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God

All that You are is so overwhelming

You are Glorious, You are Glorious

Oh God, there is no one more Glorious

You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious

-Big Daddy Weave

His goal, reached. And others beginning to bloom, within reach.

Her dream, moving in the right direction, coming true, bit by bit. 

I find myself relieved and joyful and so amazed by my Great God.  I could not have made one of these things happen, but He has provided the opportunity and the means and the grace for them... and I am truly thankful and humbled by His goodness.

changing sky...

 We set out to walk the track last night... it may not have the allure of nature, but the breeze was blowing and the band was practicing on the football field.  As we walked, the sky came alive, and with every quarter mile, the view changed. New colors, different wisps of clouds, shimmering shades of light. I could hardly wait to make the next turn, and I picked up my pace to match the metronome ticking away on the field.

Change is not usually a welcome companion... staying right where I am often feels so right. But tonight, as I watch the sky, change seems like a gift.

The only thing that ever remains the same is God. He is forever unchanging.  I know better, but I sometimes fight to take that title for myself. And when I am along the path of change, I long to leave the limbo behind and just have the journey done. I want the lessons learned, the growing over, the uncertainty banished. I'd rather know than not know.

But He is teaching me, and I am learning. We are never not changing, we are not done growing. This life is journey, and I can count the laps as blessing, or I can curse them. But really, I couldn't. They are so beautiful. And what they are doing to me is even more so.  I can feel myself growing stronger and I can see the changes in me. My eyes are brighter, my heart is lighter, I am happier.

If God let me skip this path, just be changed without the work and the pain, I know I would miss the middle. Just as if the day went from light to night, without the glory of a sunset.