some light advice...

The other day, my friend posted a few pictures from one of my favorite spots, and they spoke to my soul... so much so that I made a trip to one of her favorite spots so we could share and share alike. I love that our favorite spots are the same, though she lives there, and I am here... and we can be transported, along with all of our memories, with just a glance. That lighthouse... it brings me joy. She stands tall in the storm, and is beautiful, no matter the season.

Advice from a Lighthouse

-Stand Tall.

-Be shore of yourself.

-Look on the bright side.

-Weather life's storms.

-Stay Alert.

-Set a shining example.

-It's OK to be a little flashy.

-Your True Nature

the photo...

After a million years {...or maybe twelve} I changed that picture of me over to the right. I'm not sure it is staying, as I do love that shot of my smiling eyes, but for now... it brings a sweet memory to my heart and mind.
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Did you ever have $50 burning a hole in your pocket? This fall, due to an airline change, we each had these vouchers. Fifty dollars is not much when you'd like to get away, but I decided to play in the search anyway... and you know what? It was only $45 to fly to Chicago... and only $25 to get back home. Was a weekend in Chicago with a forever friend worth $50? Absolutely. And so... we went.

I love the decadent feeling of a weekend trip... the Friday afternoon quick change, from work to play, and the celebratory cheers while you wait to board. And on this December Friday, our destination was winter. Would there be snow? Probably not. But it didn't make a difference to me because it had been too long since I laughed, in person, with Amy. The plane arrived early and by 9pm Amy was whisking us away from the curb towards our weekend adventure.

We didn't really have grand plans, just one must-do and a few that sounds fun. It was mostly the being away and the being together. We explored the ChristkindlMarket, deserted the crowds for tacos, and admired the holiday windows. Back in her neighborhood there was this little store that beckoned me in... markers and pens might be my love language.

My hands were toting a few treasures around the shop when I noticed the snow start to fall. My squeal of joy led to Eric's warning don't run out of the store with that stuff and so I dropped it all into his hands and bee-lined for the door. 

Two minutes. That's all there was.
Sometimes you really need to just grab the moment and dance in the joy of it, and I'm so glad I did...

a little nostalgia...

live in the sunshine.

swim in the sea.

drink in the wild air. 

-emerson

my cathedral...

Perhaps most moms-to-be hope for one of each... a girl and a boy. But, I had such vivid memories of my childhood best friend and her brother fighting, fists and teeth and loud words, that I was scared of that dream. I thought that was the way it was, would be. And then... here I was, with a baby brother for my little girl. I knew that I didn't want what I already knew of brother/sister relationships, and somehow in that, God helped me create something beyond my wildest dreams.

A couple of weeks ago my sister re-posted a monologue by Nicole Johnson, The Invisible Woman. I have seen her perform it a few times, and I believe she has written a book about it. Re-reading the words brings me right back... to the days when so much was asked of me, and I felt overwhelmed and under-qualified. The days I felt I wasn't included because I was a Mom... with kids who would need to tag along. All the times when I just couldn't answer one more question, or feel one more touch. Motherhood can be wonderful and terrible all at once.

But these two have brought me more joy that I could have known. God showed grace upon grace through the seasons of bickering, and now, as I have said time and time again, their chatter is my favorite thing. When they would be getting ready for school, in the backseat, on the phone... I am so thankful that they will always have the other - to talk with, to be championed by, to laugh with, to hold each other up. They are silly, and quirky, and two halves of my heart. If I have done nothing else right, there is this...

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re

doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,

not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the

world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.” -Nicole Johnson

being light...

Never would I have thought how much I would enjoy sharing an office with someone... but I do love it. I'm sure it has all to do with who she is. We chat and we laugh, we get our work done, and then we might laugh a little more... and sometimes we share hearts. The other day she told me that she was telling her husband how nice I was, genuinely nice, and how she has always wanted to be that. Humbled by her statement, I let her know that she is, because she has a really kind, beautiful heart! But then she went on to relate it to being a Christian. Now that has made me think...

While I certainly don't believe that Christians have a monopoly on kindness or being nice, I do think, for me, my faith is who I am and it directs my heart towards kindness, and making someone's day a little bit brighter if I can. People pleaser? Yes. Once it was out of fear of not being liked, but now? I take these statements to heart...

You may be the only Jesus someone sees today.

and

Spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. - Mother Teresa 

Later, the topic came up in conversation with someone else. Though I know that the words and joy that flow from me are genuine, I wondered... do people feel the truth in me? My breath caught as I waited on her reply, but there wasn't a need. She spoke what I hoped to hear, and went on to qualify it and reinforce it. Exhale.

Live your truth, let your joy shine in the skip of your step, the smile on your face {or in your eyes}, and your actions. Live out loud... because you really might be the only glimpse of Jesus in someone's day, and I think it is the easiest, most beautiful way, to share the Good News.

the art of floating...

When was the last time you did nothing? I mean really nothing.
These days, even as I sit and watch TV, or am resting on the couch, I find myself multitasking. I make my hands busy with a crochet project, or I am scrolling through my darn phone... it seems I hardly ever give my mind complete rest, even knowing my soul needs it.

For the past couple of months, many of our Sunday afternoons have included a trip over to my in-laws with our pool floats... to simply float. I love the feeling of the cool-ish water and the warm sunshine, and stretching my arms out, I surrender to rest. My mind empties and and I am somehow able to let go of every care, listen to nothing, and let myself be at whim to the wind. I love this time we have purposefully been carving out, practicing rest... time to be still.  

How sweet to be a cloud, floating in the blue.

-A. A. Milne

along the side of the road...

He shakes his head, rolls his eyes, and tells me no... but sometimes he stops anyway. This past spring we were driving through the center of the state and the scent of orange blossoms in the air was overwhelming. You know, that scent speaks to my soul... the breath of Jesus. As I longingly gazed at the groves that run along both sides of the country highway, I also looked for a spot I could ask him to stop. I knew he'd think safety first! and possibly be completely unwilling to pull the car over onto the shoulder. But... in the endless ways he shows his love for me, he did it anyway.

 

I was giddy! I dashed my way through the sugar sand and buried my nose deep in the blossoms. It was glorious... in every way. I quickly tried to document the beauty and the moment, all the while knowing he was waiting, impatiently, in the car just beyond me. Sometimes it's hard to stuff all that joy into a four minute stop, but I did my best! And... as we rolled along the rest of the way, the view of the trees through the window seemed more.

Last Sunday, I asked again for a roadside stop...
He made some ridiculous statements about me getting hit by a car, and I rolled my eyes. Eventually, after a u-turn, he did stop for me, and I took a couple of pictures of the water rushing over the weir.

We wait for this every year... when the rains come heavy and fast, and the back canal wears down the earth and breaks through to the front. The birds splash in it, and sometimes a big gator lounges right in the center of the stream. Two years ago the development behind the canals worked very hard to stop the rushing flow, pushing in stones and dirt and flattening it over with the steamroller. It almost broke my heart... but the rains are faithful, the power of the water stronger than the will of man.

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle.

-Crystal Middlemas

the footbridge...

We slowly and carefully plotted our every step down the Cool Hollow Trail, into the valley. It was steep, and the path was rocky and a little slippery. At times I grasped onto a small branch or tree to set my feet before moving on. And then... we were there. The footbridge I had been holding in my heart and dreams for all the months since our last visit. It was so much more beautiful than I had even imagined, nestled in the green of spring. I probably walked over the bridge five or six times, not able to get enough of it. I made it! And I could have taken a thousand pictures, not sure if even one could capture all it meant to me... the journey, the arrival, the flight of fancy. 

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river
slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.

― A.A. Milne

queen of hearts...

Could it be that hearts are my love language?
I am always on the lookout for heart-shaped beauty... and when I find it? I'm giddy.

The other night Eric called me out to the grill...

He loves me, he knows me.
Am I the only woman who would swoon over a heart-shaped burger?

When joy is a  habit, love is a reflex.

-Bob Goff

rest stop...

Two hours from home, we stopped where we always do... at the base of the Skyway Bridge. The sky was a gorgeous blue, and the wind had the flags spread out with crisp corners. We noticed people walking along the water, and I'm not sure I had ever seen as much beach here... or if I had, I surely didn't know it was accessible. But when I came out of the restroom, I spotted Camden at the water's edge.

I made my way over the rocky barrier, and was happy that the ground felt solid rather than the squishy I had anticipated. I was surprised that Laura was next over the rocks, and filled with a sense of beach day joy. It didn't take long for them to be running out their energy, as if they were seven or eight... they are the silliest.

When I asked for a photo of the two of them, they couldn't hold it together. I finally did get a desk-worthy shot, but I'm not sure it is my favorite.

I'm not sure I could choose a favorite from this windblown slice of joy...

what i will hold on to...

Though the memories play through my head and heart, I haven't actually recorded some of the most special moments of the past year. Not writing them down, preserving them in a tangible way, is risky. I don't want to forget... I don't want to lose them in the mess of today {and the todays to come.}

Sometimes I have stood still, closed my eyes, and tried to imprint a memory on my heart, so that I purposefully take the time to revel in the moment... but there are so many other beautiful things that I rush through, not taking the time to drink them in fully, and they are lost in the busyness of ordinary days.

There was a lot of joy tucked in amongst the days of 2018, and feeling great was definitely a highlight, and perhaps too long overdue. It made everything brighter, and easier... and I celebrated it along the way. And on December 11th, on the first anniversary of my life changing successful surgery, I texted my brilliant doctor to thank him. He thanked us right back... for having faith in him, and for showing such patience. I think he can be a humble man, or perhaps the fact that he could not fix my urology problem made him humble. But he kept on researching, and took a chance with something new that he put his own twist on...and it worked. So I celebrate being able to pee... and the freedom that it has brought me in my mind.

This summer I felt free going to Africa, leaving behind the worry and fear.{I think Eric took them on, afraid that I might all of a sudden have a health issue...} I was so happy in Africa, feeling so much joy at our return to the place I fell in love with, afraid that I would never journey back to. I have yet to document the trip, and I'm pressing it on my heart to start soon... because there are incredible experiences to recall and share. Perhaps one of the most awe inspiring moments was when the elephants crossed the road. It was a trip of elephants, and they crossed the roads around us several times... but one morning we watched them gather on the plains, then circled back a while later to see that many more had joined them. And all of a sudden, as if they nodded to each other in agreement, they meandered to the road, and more than ninety elephants crossed before us and behind us. I could have rushed a thousand pictures then and there...but I chose to stop, breathe, and make sure to enjoy the extraordinary moment.

One of my big dreams of last year was to go to Iowa (yes, Iowa!) and see my son play the steel drums in person. I am ever thankful that YouTube can bring him into my living room, but something in me said I had to be there in person. When Camden gave us the concert date we figured out a way to make it happen, and a few days after Thanksgiving we made our way to Iowa. The concert was the main attraction for me... but the traveling and spending time with Eric gave me a joy all of its own. I just felt lucky to be there, grateful to have those days apart from the rest of real life. I knew Cam wouldn't have a lot of free time, so we would have to make our own fun...and we did. Those days have a glow about them in my memory... and I love that. And of course, the concert was fantastic - and when the professor announced that it was Camden's last, the emotions spilled over. I remembered how he didn't want to even try drumming in college, and how once he tried it out, at a new friend's urging, he fell in love with those pans. And I especially remember him telling me that his goal was to make it to the top steel band by his senior year... and he did. He has made a lot of things happen for himself in Iowa...

 Take time to remember... the grand moments and the small. They make us who we are, and help us to dream up the next adventure.
 

birthday bliss...

I wrote this the morning after my birthday, and when I tried to add pictures, the computer said no. So... I went on with my day, and these words have been gathering dust. Today, I declare this as birthday week!  We celebrated mine, and two others... and maybe this is where I start from.
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Yesterday was beautiful.
I woke up knowing that my house was full. Four.
As I sat in the dark, the room lit only by the Christmas tree's twinkling lights, I felt joy, contentment. The coffee was hot and sweet, I was cozy in the chill of the morning, and my heart was light. My day was just beginning, but I had already celebrated it twice...

In church, as the acolyte came forward and lit all four Advent candles, I somehow felt that all was right with the world... or at least my world. It is funny how being surrounded by the ones you love, with a special day before you, can mask any problems lurking in the shadows... if you are willing to just let them go.

We wandered the zoo for a few hours. The sky was my favorite blue, and the breeze laughed around us, making us feel free and giddy. Cam being home makes it all just right... Laura is happier, Eric is sillier, and I am just enjoying every minute.

Tacos for dinner, with my family. Messages from friends. A phone call from my Dad. Every piece of the day was beautiful. And as I sat in front of my birthday cake, all a-glow with flickering light, I had that moment, that catch in my throat. Love. Overwhelmed by it.

Hello, Forty-four. We have things to do, people to love, gifts to be thankful for.

the blustery, beautiful day... part 2

A little bit of fear bubbled up inside me when she asked if I wanted to walk on the weir. Every time we have kayaked up to it, it was wet. And slimy.  Camden had confirmed the slippery-ness of it when he dragged his kayak over and paddled up the other side.  But I decided that at least we could walk up to it.

Leave it to God to force me out beyond my fear...

We spotted a bird coming in for a tree landing, and I couldn't not wander closer.  Was it an eagle? Or not?  I made the first few steps out onto the weir in all but a tip-toe.  It wasn't wet. And although I could hear, and feel, the water underneath, it wasn't slippery or slimy. We still couldn't be sure of the bird, so we walked out a little more, and then a little further.  By the time we had decided it was a juvenile bald eagle, I had walked beyond my fear, and found a new comfort zone.  And as we navigated the remaining bricks, I was laughing in the joy of it.

I don't know if I even have words for what happened next...

Mom and I decided to make the loop, and walk along the dirt trail, rather than retrace our steps.  It was not an easy trek, the trail rocky and littered with ditches... not to mention the fence we had to climb around because the gate was locked!  And just when I thought the walk might never end, we spotted a red jeep across the water, driving (!) towards the tower path.  Hmmm. Bob. And Camden. We waved and jumped and shouted to no avail.  And we decided that if they were going to the tower, we wanted to go back.

Backtracking seemed like a fine idea... but once we climbed back around the fence, I realized that we had walked a greater distance than I had originally thought.  What if Cam & Bob turned around and headed home without even seeing us?!  I called and texted Camden, but there was no answer... so we picked up the pace and trekked on.  Finally, we spotted them again, and this time, they saw us. We thought they would wait for us, but Bob has a way of being our knight in shining armor (for officially 31 years and three days!)...

I was afraid to walk it, but here he came driving across.  Mom and I were laughing hysterically... and she confessed that he had been wanting to try it for months.  We were still laughing when we wearily climbed into the jeep... thankful for the save.

On our way back over the weir (driving!) I was terrified we'd end up off the side, but Bob got us home, safe and sound.  Cam's thoughts about Grampa driving them over the weir?  Cool. And? There was actually an adult bald eagle just sitting in the eagle tree...