in the shadows

I am a celebrator, a seeker of joy.
Give me a holiday, big or small; a weekend of adventure or an ordinary old Tuesday. I will laugh in the joy, or dig in until I can find it. I love the planning, the doing, the beauty seeking. It is who I am, who I dare to be. 

It is harder... in the shadows of days you could wish away. A day of blustery anger, or heartbreaking sadness, a day when your child tells you their soul doesn't fit in the body they were given. Transgender? It's not something I ever wondered about, and something that has become part of my precious family over the last several years. And what do you say in response to an announcement like this? I said all of the right things: I love you, I support you, I love you, I love you. I've also said plenty of wrong things... because my very soul aches, because I don't understand how this could be, because... from the day that sweet bundle of baby was set in my arms, all I saw was perfect. Are you now not the same person you were when we celebrated five, ten, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one... or the million moments in between? 

I literally have no answers... I just love. Fear scrambles my joy... I continue to just love. I can't see that another choice lies before me, but it is hard to find the joy in this. I read of other people celebrating this with their children, being proud, moving forward with such purpose... and here I sit, in the shadows. Not because I think this is wrong, but because my heart just feels broken... for me and for them. I feel broken. 

The shadows have overcome my days, and where there has always been beauty seeking, I feel... blah. I'm not saying I can't see the beauty of a sunset, feel the love of a hand clasped around mine, or even find joy in laughter that bubbles up unexpectedly. I cherish all of those things. But where the joy once glowed for hours, spurring on more and more joy, the shadows slip in quickly, and blur the lines. 

I long to not be blurry...

from miles away...

I saw it and smiled. Polar bear. Bubbles. Immediately my thoughts went to Laura...
The next steps? Screenshot. Save. Send.

from zoo_aquariums instagram feed. seneca park zoo.

My phone is full of screenshots... quotes, photos, SnapChats, any social media my children pop up on. Sometimes it seems the only way to capture them at this hard stage of young adult life. I save them with intention. To print, to compile...create. It's been a while since I created a photo album of memories, but maybe one day soon. I crave the finished product, but I always seem to have a mess to clean up before I can begin. One day...

Laura replies, and my heart... it skips a beat. I count thanks, and I ache.
Oh, that's so cute. Haha. I needed that. She went on to share a little frustration of her day.
Her new life fills me with joy, but in these moments I want to be within her reach. To ease her heart, to bolster her spirits, to reassure. To squeeze her hand from miles away.

my cathedral...

Perhaps most moms-to-be hope for one of each... a girl and a boy. But, I had such vivid memories of my childhood best friend and her brother fighting, fists and teeth and loud words, that I was scared of that dream. I thought that was the way it was, would be. And then... here I was, with a baby brother for my little girl. I knew that I didn't want what I already knew of brother/sister relationships, and somehow in that, God helped me create something beyond my wildest dreams.

A couple of weeks ago my sister re-posted a monologue by Nicole Johnson, The Invisible Woman. I have seen her perform it a few times, and I believe she has written a book about it. Re-reading the words brings me right back... to the days when so much was asked of me, and I felt overwhelmed and under-qualified. The days I felt I wasn't included because I was a Mom... with kids who would need to tag along. All the times when I just couldn't answer one more question, or feel one more touch. Motherhood can be wonderful and terrible all at once.

But these two have brought me more joy that I could have known. God showed grace upon grace through the seasons of bickering, and now, as I have said time and time again, their chatter is my favorite thing. When they would be getting ready for school, in the backseat, on the phone... I am so thankful that they will always have the other - to talk with, to be championed by, to laugh with, to hold each other up. They are silly, and quirky, and two halves of my heart. If I have done nothing else right, there is this...

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re

doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,

not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the

world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.” -Nicole Johnson

red rocks...

While we were in Colorado, we drove out to Red Rocks amphitheater. I loved being out of the city, driving into the foothills, and then seeing the crop of red rocks stand out against the blue sky. Eric immediately said kopjes! and brought us all back to the islands of rocks that stand tall among the grasses of the Serengeti {think Pride Rock in Lion King!}

We wandered the Colorado Music Hall of Fame, and then took to the path that led us up to the amphitheater. My legs immediately began to groan, and I wondered if they were just tiring easily from all the walking we did in the city the day before, or if this was really just the altitude.  Either way, it felt like a climb, just getting to the first row of benches lined up before the stage. We looked up to see at least a hundred people working out on the benches, and I was still trying to just catch my breath. I watched one young lady sprint up the benches, hardly slowing as she neared the top row. It was all I could do to suggest to Cam that we walk up to see the view, I wasn't sure if Eric and Laura would make the attempt.

Eventually, we all arrived at the top rail to look down on the venue... and I while I gulped some water bought at the snack bar, I started regretting my decision to not see a concert here. Lauren Daigle was scheduled to perform the next evening and I would have loved to hear her voice amplify among these red rocks. But... the timing was wrong, and honestly, I didn't know if I could really climb back up here anyway. 

 Yesterday, I caught a clip of Lauren's performance at Red Rocks. Wow... it would have been incredible to hear her sing to the mountains in person.... listening to her sing Rescue just reverberated in my soul.

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

You are not hopeless

Though you have been broken

Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter, I'll be your armor...

To my kids... this song is for you.
You are grown, you are figuring out life as a grown up, and all that it has to offer. The good, the bad, and the really, really hard. But you are going to make it... beautiful. I want you to know though, that we are here... and with everything I have, if you need me...

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you.

-Lauren Daigle

a most treasured gift...

Can you guess which one said it? 
It really doesn't matter... I think they both agree.

It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received... that these two share such a love and friendship. How have I accomplished such a feat? I believe I have just prayed it into existence. I always let them know that our home was a safe place, one where the people inside it loved each other without exception... and I know that God has taken it from there.

Their chatter in the next room is one of my favorite things. Add some laughter, a shout of joy... I can barely think the words without my eyes starting to tear up. I know that such a relationship is rare, and as much as I am thankful for it for me, I am thankful for it for them. Growing up they probably didn't think much about it, but even now, they know that the other is the one they can rely on in all situations, with every breath. They celebrate, stand up for, and even fight for each other.

To have someone know all of you is a beautiful thing.
And to be their Mom is certainly beyond grace.

sunday grace

Nineteen years apart...

I am ever thankful for these two...
the ways they have grown, and all of the ways they have grown me. 

the beach rule

We've had a rule since they were pretty small - always bring extra clothes to the beach. It sounds silly, but there have been lots of evenings we'd go to just splash our feet, play in the sand and watch the sunset... not planning on a swim, because maybe it was too cold, or we just had 20 minutes. But we learned our lesson early on. Someone always ended up soaked from head to toe - either by chance or by desire. So it became a rule. No matter what, towels & a full change of clothes were part of the plan.

Until Cam's last night home in June.

A storm was rolling in at home, and we thought it might be storming at the beach... but on his last night, we took a chance. Twenty minutes of drive time can make a big difference, and it did. Perfect beach night weather, with not a storm cloud in sight.

We walked and wrote messages in the sand. We laughed at the coquinas at the edge of the surf. We talked, and we didn't. And then we waited for the sun to set... the whole reason we came on his last night home. As we stood in the shallow, waves lapping over our feet, he said... I kind of want to just swim. His shorts were half-way to soaked, and it didn't take him more than five minutes from to wanting to, to deciding he just needed to be in.

What can a mom do but smile? And remember that rule from a lifetime ago. A time when I was almost his whole world, when I could scoop his whole little self into my arms and just hold on.

There are days I'd go back to... try again, do better... savor.
But tonight I just laugh... and soak in this time, just us... hoping it will last until Christmas.


p.s...and when we were almost home, he asked did you grab my shoes? And so his favorite footwear spent the night on the beach. He was able to rescue them, with an hour to spare, before we had to leave for the airport!

who's fooling who?

He's half-way through college, and was been home for six weeks. That's all I get this summer, and I've been thankful for each day. Now I'm up against the longest stretch of ever being apart from him. Six months. Christmas. Suddenly, I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. Am I really doing as okay as I say I am? Or... in the in-betweens, am I just marking time, as if living for the weekend?

I count the hours until he arrives, and when my arms are finally around him, joy spills down my cheeks. And the last week he's home, my emotions catch me off guard and the tears spring at any given thought. He's sweet though, and the sight of those tears brings out the very best in him... and he promises to be better at calling me. We'll see.

Our empty nest is just another four weeks away... and we prepare for it with excitement. For us, and for them. The opportunities Laura & Camden have created for themselves are quite amazing, and we are so thankful and thrilled for them! And this is the way it should be... what we dreamed about, worked towards, planned for. So why the emotion? The coming and goings are hard... they just are. Especially knowing that this is the next step to from now on...

Maybe it's just fair to say that the joy I get from having our family of four under one roof is something so beautiful and, as time goes on, rare... so when I'm in the midst of it, there is hardly anything else...

there goes my baby...

Another airport goodbye today... and as I keep my eyes glued to his back as he navigates the security line, I pray for him. Baby? Not anymore. Not even close. He celebrated 20 a couple of weeks ago. {Yes, please say it - How is that possible, where has the time gone?!}

It occurs to me that this is just another in a long line of from now on. There will be beautiful reunions filled with as many memories as we can fit in, but the reality of it is, there is always going to be a goodbye on the other end. I raised him up for this, and I knew I would miss him fiercely when he went... but the inevitable just might break me every time. I get by with letting a few stray tears slip down my face, a deep breath, and a thank you to God for holding him close.

p.s.... A thank you to the nice TSA gentleman who told Cam he should give me one more hug. Terence, that was a gift.

the last five steps...

It was the last five steps that were my undoing. 
I made it through the last week with only joy... no undercurrent of any emotion but joy.

When I spotted him coming around the corner, I waved, but Cam's head was down. When he looked up, he saw me instantly and returned the wave. His pace did not increase. He is the laid back one. I held the railing as an anchor, holding me back from rushing the security barrier, and he smiled. In his never ending quest to make me laugh, he began to walk in exaggerated slow motion... and the tears spilled down from out of nowhere. The next moment had his arms around me, muffling the sobs. And I whispered... everyday you come home to me is the best day ever.

**This was written at the beginning of May... he was home for ten days. Our boy is finally home again after this very short trip! He spent the summer back in Iowa researching Monarch butterflies. It was a great opportunity for him... but we are so glad to have him home for a month this time!**

three days that meant the world...

At Christmas, when I asked him what he thought about coming home for Spring Break, I was surprised that he already had an answer. It was a no, and a yes. He and his friends had already started planning a road trip... and the destination just happened to be our house. Other than the worrying about four college kids on the road from Iowa to Florida, I loved the plan.

He arrived late Saturday night with his three friends. I heard them pull into the driveway and couldn't help but run outside {and maybe jump up & down... a little.} He let me fold him into my arms, and I loved that he held on as much as I did. That alone was worth the miles.

They played in the sun for three days. The house was full, Laura was thrilled to spend time with her brother, and we really got to know Cam's new people. I knew he would choose good ones, but to actually meet them and see their friendship in action was a joy.

On their last morning here, everyone wanted to sleep in. Maybe Cam, too... but after a sleepy goodbye from Eric, and a second from Laura a couple hours later, he was awake when I wandered by his door. We slipped out of the house quietly, and headed for the safari road and a walk along the trail.

Our walk was short and slow... and maybe the best hour I have spent with him since the last time we took this walk. He had so much to tell me, and I just listened. As the details spilled out of him, his set in stone plans and his maybes, I held them close and savored each one. It reminded me of what I have always known... he is going places. In his own time, making his own way. I can't help but join in his excitement.

And then it was time to say goodbye once again. My face was smiling, my heart was aching.
But this is what I was made for. Raise him up, and let him go.

birthday lessons...

My birthday is five days before Christmas, and his is five days after. Truly, I have the better deal. Once Christmas has been celebrated, the world is weary, and even the things on the must-do list fall by the wayside. The year Camden turned two, I was especially tired, and I could barely make his birthday happen. I bought a cake, and then I felt guilty that I bought a cake, so I frosted over the existing decorations so it would look homemade. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, it was only the four of us at the table, so I did it for... me. I remember being in tears over it, and Eric thinking I had lost my mind.

I know it sounds ridiculous. Even to me, now. But then?
Then I didn't know that the cake was just a cake... and the centerpiece of the celebration was the people and the love around the table. I wasn't comfortable enough in my motherhood to take what I considered the easy route... and I certainly didn't realize that some people always buy the cake. I didn't yet know that the mess of motherhood can be beautiful.

This year?
I piled up some donuts on a plate, stuck a broken sugar "happy birthday" on the top, and called it his birthday cake. He thought it was the best idea ever, and he was thrilled.

I have come a long way in these seventeen years, learning to find the joy in the mess, and accepting grace when I don't live up what I thought I would be. I have learned I don't have to try to be perfect... that their idea of the perfect Mom is the one they have.

love and tears...

He'll be home in ten days. Ten. I can hardly wait.

Sometimes I let myself think about when I see him in the airport and how that first hug is going to feel... and then my eyes get weepy. I would kind of like to let the tears fall now and get them out of my system, so I don't cry all over Cam. And because sometimes, love just spills down your face at the most unexpected times...

This year Eric & I decided that we'd postpone our anniversary celebration a month, and go to Disney's Night of Joy in September. It had been at least ten years since we brought our youth group, and while we always planned on bringing our own kids, it never happened because once they were old enough, they were busy with marching band. It was really supposed to be a trip for two, but after our long road trip with Camden, Eric thought it might be nice to ask Laura if she wanted to tag along with us. It didn't take her a minute to say, yes!

We drove up Thursday night, and spent a little time at Disney Springs to kick off our adventure. Laura loves to pin trade! The next morning we started out with breakfast at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. After filling my plate, I noticed that Laura was on her phone... snap-chatting with Cam. She was laughing because he called us Meanies, and the sadness soaked into my soul. I texted him that I was missing him and that I owed him a trip to Night of Joy. When he texted back But I SO want to be there! I lost it. Big sloppy tears, and the sobbing ugly cry, right over my Mickey waffles. My chest hurt, and so did my heart.

I had left my son at college, a million states away, without tears. I had made it two and half weeks without breaking down, and there I was, in the happiest place on earth, and I could barely breathe from missing him. I would have done anything for him to be with us.  The only thing that saved me was knowing he was so happy at school.

Somehow I pulled myself together, and enjoyed the rest of our day. It was the first time I had ever seen the fall decorations up in the Magic Kingdom, and we made it a priority to attend the Flag Retreat that happens on Main Street every day. I really wanted to stay until the very last minute of the night, and see the Goodnight Kiss, but after singing and dancing along with Josh Wilson, Francesca Battistelli, Colton Dixon, and Rend Collective we were beat and ready to head for the hotel.

I love Night of Joy, and I loved this little trip... even with the tears.

Worshiping in the Magic Kingdom is beautiful, and it is something I will always hold close to my heart. We had a great time with Laura, and she had a great time wandering on her own from time to time. Disney without kids is great, but I probably won't ever try it again with only one kid.

love...

This is one of my most favorite pictures. Ever.

You are precious in every way, the sunshine in my day,

the joy in my soul, and the love of my life.

journey to a smile...

The pains started about two weeks ago. The clutch in my chest. The sting of tears behind my eyes. He is really leaving...

We were in the kitchen starting dinner and I told Eric I'm starting to get sad. With love and knowing in his eyes, he replied I was wondering when, and he kissed the top of my head. We both know life will be different with our easy-going, adventurous son half-way across the country.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The breathing is working, the sadness has been shoved back behind the to-do list. Even his almost empty room seems okay. But today, the pains return stronger and closer together. Familiar... and I realize the laboring wasn't really over eighteen Decembers ago.  That finally now, almost nineteen years later, I must be prepared for that final push.

He leans his head onto my shoulder and it has a sweetness that seems to move me more than all the times I could hold all of him in my arms.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Three farewell dinners, and between grandparents, we celebrated Friday pizza on a Wednesday. An ordinary evening in the mist of an extraordinary week. It is just what we needed. And those two... they sat and visited and played video games between slices, just as they have for twelve years. Boys to men. They wished each other well and sealed their friendship with a firm handshake.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The list still lingers and Eric is out mowing the lawn. Cam and I find jobs we can do while we watch the last episode of Food Network Star. He looks at me sitting on the floor folding laundry and pats the seat beside him. For a moment I am torn, because the list, but I come to my senses and join him on the couch. It is only seconds before he leans fully into me, his head fitting just right into the crook of my neck. My chest is crushed with love and I try to hide my gasp for breath... and one lone tear escapes, leaving the others to burn. The mower continues to make loops around the yard and I feel almost guilty for sitting, but oh I cannot give up these minutes. Surely I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Cam, are you ready for this adventure? he asks as we pull out of the driveway and begin the drive north. Of course he answers the only way he knows how Yes! It makes me smile knowing this is the honest truth. But when the next question comes from Eric, I pinch back tears. Is mom ready? I say Yes, because I want nothing to come between my son and his dreams.

The Iowa sunshine welcomed us to the land of corn, and we laughed as we put miles behind us. There is always fun to be had on a road trip. And then I saw the sign, Mount Vernon 8 miles, and all of the tears I had been holding back for weeks could not be held a moment longer.

  



He was good to me. He smiled for every picture; he let me take as many as I wanted. And then it was time... to say goodbye. I took his face in my two hands and repeated the goodbye I've uttered a million times before Make good choices, be YOU, I love you...

As he walked off into the sunshine, I saw him as the man he has become... and it made me smile.

while she waits...

The other day my girl got in the car after work and showed me her one year zoo pin. One year of working at the zoo, making her way towards her dream.  She was happy, and proud... and I am thankful (and also proud of her!) I know she is afraid she won't get to where she really wants to be, and all I can tell her is that I believe she can, and will. It takes time.  She works hard and loves her job, and I want the world for her... but oh the marking time is hard. On Fridays she gets dirty being a giraffe keeper aide... one day a week, unpaid, and she loves every minute of it.  We hope that someday this will be part of her paid job, but in the meantime, she does love her days at the giraffe feeding station, and she is gaining great experience. Waiting on God's timing can be overwhelming and frustrating, but it is such lesson for life...

God's plan from the startFor this world and your heart

Has been to show His glory and His grace

Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of His unfailing Love

And the story has only begun
And this is going to be a glorious unfolding

Just you wait and see and you will be amazed

We've just got to believe the story is so far from over

So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

-from Steven Curtis Chapman's The Glorious Unfolding

on the edge...

We camped this past weekend... and it was so nice to spend time doing nothing the some of the people I love best. As we hiked along the shoreline, Camden stopped to look out through the trees and I noticed that the toes of his boots were just beyond the drop off. He likes to reach out for the boundaries, test the edge. I feel a catch in my throat... thinking this is probably the last time we'll camp before he heads off to his next adventure.  He is poised, and ready, for flight.