not just standing still...

On our way to work I spotted two otters alongside the canal, one sunning, and the other diving in for a swim. I shouted out, and was happy that my girl actually saw them before we sped on. It made us both smile.

Laura loves her job at the zoo. Better than that? The zoo loves her right back.

Last month, while the zoo was going through their accreditation process, Laura had the opportunity to be interviewed on procedures and talk with some of the AZA people. She even shared her zoo school experience, and I admire her for it. For taking that weakness, and turning it around the best she can.

When she couldn't go back to the zoo program, I think we were all more than a little broken. But she continued to talk about it in a positive context, and I finally asked her why? She told me because I learned so much, and even though I didn't pass, being there was such a great experience.  Me? I would have taken that failure and buried it so deep I might not have thought about it again. Ever.

This girl of mine is so brave.

She has been working her heart out at the zoo for over a year... and maybe it seems like she is just standing still. But she isn't. She is learning all she can in her environment, making contacts, doing anything they ask her to, with a smile. She continues to dream, and hope that she will get her big chance. I admire her so much.

together again...

We made our way north with the bright, full moon keeping time along side of us. In the dark, we covered miles and conversations before the excitement of a 5am wake-up call wore off and he was dozing again. Before long, rays of sun starting peeking through the trees declaring that true morning was almost upon us. A stop for breakfast, and we were on our way, once again.

There is something about an early morning road trip that makes me happy... maybe it is that the miles you tuck away in the dark are forgotten when you arrive with the whole day still before you.  And what a day... spent with my girl {and some friends, too!}  It was unexpected and so much fun... the chatter between brother and sister, and the laughter, fills my heart.  They are still friends... even with miles between them.

This never gets old for me. Ever. 

smiling over the weekend

Once in a while, it rains on our parade, or in this case, a horse show. A little rain is one thing, but days of damp and hours of downpour make for a whole lot of mud.  With Saturday's plans rained out, we headed the extra hour north to get ahead of Sunday's to-do list... shopping with our girl.  We let her know we were close and I could hear the excitement in her voice I can't wait to see you! And when you haven't seen each other in six weeks, any amount of rain falling from the sky won't stop you from leaping out of the car for a full oh-we-are-here-together-hug.

She piled her groceries in the cart while I pushed... amazed.  She has her cooking repertoire down, and this week she was adding a new recipe from the cookbook we sent as a birthday gift.  Rotisserie chicken?  She'll take all the meat off and use it for different meals.  Pork roast?  Only half fits in her tiny crockpot, so she's planning barbecue pork and then pork with sauerkraut, using the rest of the sauerkraut for the new Reuben recipe.  Me?  Amazed?  Yes. She's been living on her own for nine months, and she is good at it.

Groceries stowed, we headed south to Ocala, horse capital of the world!  {Did you know that?  I did not!}  We had plans for a visit, Mexican food, and a book signing.  It had been over a year since our blog-friendship turned real, but we fell right into step once again... with laughter and prayer and conversation that could have gone on for days.  Laura amazed with origami paper cranes and hearts, and we played Doodle Dice until our hunger for chips and salsa won out...

We woke to a blue skied Sunday.
Perfect for a horse show.  Perfect for just a little more visiting.  Perfect for the long ride home.

the hard work...

It was a quick question... just wanting to know how her first work day back in the zoo was.  Her speedy reply of Very good! made me grin.  She is glad to be back.  And then my girl-of-few-words went on... It rained. And we were setting posts in the ground, SO I went home covered in mud and dirt.  You know how sometimes you just know the tone of a text?  I knew.  I knew... that she had loved every muddy second of it.

This is her dream.  Her muddy, messy, lovely dream.  And I want it for her so badly that I can taste it.  I tell myself that if, perhaps, this is not the road God wants her on to get to it, that it will be okay.  And while I know it will be, it just might break my heart a little bit anyway.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that the messiest paths are the very best... laden with lesson, deep in perseverance.  Our hemlines may tear and stain as we trudge through, but looking back, I know that my life without my own messy missteps would be less.  Once upon a time, I wished for rainbows, fairy tales, and all things easy for my girl... but today I know, that as she soaks away the aches of hard work with tea and hot bubbles, she has a smile of satisfaction on her sleepy face, a smile that says I'm strong, I can do it.  

It does a mama-heart good... to know that she can assemble her own fairy tale.  And when that rainbow appears, she'll know it was not a silly wish, but a gift from above, the One who has planned and guided her way from the start.

the first of december

We had walked in once before... before she was settled, before she had made it her home away from home. We were timid and searching, but the arches that reached to the heavens took us in, reminded us of our first family church home.   On this morning, the first of December, the arches were graced with evergreen, banners and candles sang out of this waiting season, and the altar was covered in hope. Advent.  It filled me in a way I have not felt in months.  Filled me to overflowing.

Maybe it was the way the liturgies wrapped around my soul, a long lost memory that reached the surface and felt like home.  It could have been recognizing her voice among the others in the choir... that sweet high voice that I know by heart.  If I close my eyes I can still hear her small vibrato in the notes... and it almost does me in.  It is still a balancing act, having her there and here, and knowing she belongs in both places.

There are many that have helped her carve out her place... offering rides and lunches, knitting lessons and friendships... all the while just loving like Jesus.  It is no small thing to wrap someone's child into your heart, as if she were you own... and it was so special to reach out and thank them today.  It made the trip worth every mile.  

joy.

We put her on speaker phone, both of us anxious to hear how her first visit to a new church went.  We had been thrilled when she mentioned she was going, and that she was even going to try out the choir.  And so when we asked her how it went?  Her voice spoke joy.  It made our day, really, to hear that joy and picture her smiling face.  She shared that she stayed for both services, and after the second there was a college lunch {they even packed up left-overs for the students!}   And more than all of that, she has been back.   It seems she has found a place where her heart, and voice, can sing...

Again, I marvel at her courage and willingness to step out in faith... arranging rides with choir members and meeting new people.  And I thank God for His showing of just how much she has grown since May...

she is becoming...

I asked her to send me a picture of herself... after a few weeks of us being just three, I was starting to miss her face.  When it came through I was motivated enough to figure out how to capture a screen shot on my phone... I wanted to keep her close. 

 

As May melted into June, we hardly texted, and spoke less.  It was me, trying to give her the space she has needed... and she, blossoming into who she is supposed to be.  My heart did not ache for her as so many had predicted, but that was okay... I am pretty sure we both knew we needed the distance. 
As the Disney celebration approached, I hoped and prayed she would be able to join us... and when the news was yes, my excitement started growing.  We chatted that week... about what she should bring, what she needed from home, and all the logistics of getting her where she needed to be, and it was good.  Her voice was only joyful, and confirmed my no news is good news theory!   My heart was soft and the aching was beginning to set in... and I wondered about the girl, the woman, I would see.

Eric took the day to drive out, pick her up and bring her to Disney.  When I put my arms around her, I felt love and joy and completeness.  She looked like my same Laura... but within her eyes I could see... she was more.   He leaned into me and whispered she talked the entire ride!  Two hours.  If she has something to say, it is usually me who hears the story, and so for her Daddy to have the first shot at hearing a six week recap was... a gift.  A stunning, unexpected gift.  And when she told her tales, her entire being was alive with light, and my heart melted all over again. 

The semester is coming to a close... finals are next week and as she is studying like crazy, I'm praying.  One result could make or break her lab grade, but I don't think it could break her.  She has loved, loved, this semester and all that she has had the opportunity to learn!  I hear a confidence and a joy in her voice that comes from deep within... and I am in awe of her.  It takes such courage to go and be and do... a courage I'm not sure I have ever possessed.  So I pray {and pray, and pray}, and hand it over to God.  He already knows just what she needs, and has been providing it with every breath... I am oh-so-sure He will not stop now... not ever.
 

...be strong in the Lord and never give up hope,
you're gonna do great things
I already know God's got his hand on you...

lyrics... the words i would say by sidewalk prophets

 

less one, but blessed, oh blessed...

We are settling into life as three instead of four {four instead of five, if you count the cat, which I never do, but the kids never fail to!}  The milk is lasting longer and there is less shuffling of cars in the drive.  I notice that Cam has taken to her piano-room-spot-in-the-sun... and I wonder if he has been waiting all this time.  Few texts fly from north to south, and phone calls are rare.  No news is good news, I keep saying.  But all in all, from what we can tell, she is happy and thriving.  And we are thankful. 

Counting blessings on this Monday...

-a rainy afternoon, a cuppa tea and a quiet hour

-the school days winding down... two half-days left!

-actually having a conversation of substance with our girl

-being able to tell that she has found her niche

-celebrating a birthday... and reminding her that we are still three cords

-running into a friend in the aisles... catching up & laughing for a while

-the reply to a good morning text

-a dense clouded day breaking way to blue
-the perfect beach day
-watching a group of goofy boys {big & small} as they celebrated one i love

-paddling away into the ocean with a friend
-the peace we found
-getting things in order for the youth gathering... finally
-and getting excited for disney
-just leaning into him
-laughing with cam
-getting carried away
-a delicious lunch
-a boy's gift of song in church
-sunday night on the couch

a short green adventure...

We had planned to head for home first thing... unless our girl needed us.  But a glitch with the car had us waiting for the all ready call from a nearby garage.  I suggested two nearby parks, and he gave me that looks that says not thrilled, this doesn't meet with what I had in mind.  I felt like I was still convincing him when I pointed to the trail marker that said only 0.6 miles.  The morning was clear and bright, and the trail was vivid green... and truly, I think he would have done anything to make me smile, warding off any chance of possible tears.

 

We skipped the loop in favor of the stairs, zig-zagging down into the limestone sinkhole.  The green pulled at me... so lush and wild, hundreds of shades and shapes.  The spiraling steps captured my eye, natural and out of place, all at once.  Streams trickled down through the stones, around fern and moss... and music of the earth sang to my heart.  Life, all around us. 

It was maybe an hour... both of us content with the time we spent.  Together, breathing in creation.  Then the call came, and we were heading home.  I tried to impress Camden by telling him that we went down into a sinkhole, but he turned it right around when his face lit up and said Oh! Devil's Millhopper?  He never ceases to amaze me...

friday letters

Dear Me,
Please make a note to always keep evaporated milk and chocolate chips on hand.  Always.  Spur of the moment hot fudge is sometimes necessary.  Maybe next time you should make dinner first, but don't worry, I understand...

Dear Laura,
I have loved your texts this week!  And the way you added three "o"s to the "so" before excited.  I am trying hard to not to constantly bug you with my "voice" but I want to hear it all... or read it all.  And yesterday?  When you said you were going with friends?  My heart did a happy dance right there in the doctor's office!

Dear Doctor,
Sorry that I almost laughed when you asked me about steroids.  It is just that yes I have had more than my fair share of experience with them... the shot and the pills.  But I am willing to take them for the next six days.  Beyond that?  I hope not!  {and Suz, beware... you better keep your food far across the table today... because I'm already starving}

Dear Eric,
Well, we did it.  We brought our first off to college.  What a step.  Thank you, for reading my face and knowing that the first apartment just wouldn't do... and thank you, for fixing it.  I am so thankful for you... the laughter we create and the ordinary moments that turn extraordinary when we are us.  It won't be long now, before we are making this journey again... but I couldn't dream of making it with anyone but you...

Dear God,
Thank you for the blessings of the week and the weekend.  You carried us through... and are creating opportunities for our girl that will keep her in the palm of your hand.  Today I ask for extra care of some some very beautiful ladies... rest and a handful of spoons for my weary friend, comfort and assurance for a mama in the waiting room and as she enters the recovery room.  Also, can you find a way to knit a family back together?  Their loss was monumental, and the year has been long.  But maybe with time and the summer breeze, there will be a way...

when the time is right...

About a week ago we had a little Cinco de Mayo party... just family, and friends that might as well be family.   We never want to miss a chance to celebrate Mexican food, and with Laura leaving for Zoo School just three days later, the timing was perfect!  We had more chips than we could possibly consume, tacos, various dips and ice cream sundaes.  You can never go wrong with sundaes, especially if you are partying on a Sunday.  Laura received a few sweet going-away gifts, but always a shining star, Suz outdid them all, and also brought me a gift!  A nice big box of Kleenex, tied up in lime green ribbon.  I almost needed to open that box then and there{because she is always so thoughful!}

But a full week, and many miles later, the box remains sealed.  I kind of expected that it would be, although everyone assured and promised me I would need it.  And not actually needing it?  It could make me feel like a bad mother, but I have decided not to buy into that.  We are all just so excited, and there comes a time when they really are ready to go...

We spent three full days together... getting her there and moving her in.  We decorated, we shopped, and even took a trial spin on the bus, so it might not be so scary when she takes her first solo trip {it would be scary for me, but my girl is far braver...}  We lugged boxes, talked and laughed.  Explored book stores, and loaded up on groceries.  And when it was time, we let her take the lead on our  farewell. 

She decided Friday night, with a Saturday morning option, just in case.  After a stir-fry dinner, and talking her through how she could do it on her own, we said our goodbyes.  Eric pulled her into his arms and held on a little longer than usual.  I took her face in my hands and kissed her with an I love you, and then we left her smiling.  No tears... because we could see a confidence in her that assured us the time was right.

As we made our way home, I though of a million more things I could tell her... but I resisted.   She will figure it out.  Her tool box is full.  Lessons and bits of wisdom, nagging reminders and the echoes of my voice pressing on her to do one thing or another, recipes for favorite dishes and for life itself, and love... so. much. love. 

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.    -A.A. Milne

linking up to richella's grace at home party...

a weary, wonderful monday...

A five day weekend can be too much, and not enough, all at once... and no matter which, weary is the outcome. But facing a Monday with sweet memories tucked into this weary soul, I will make it through... because there is never too much wonderful...

-a long-awaited adventure
-fitting almost everything...
-wrapping my arms around my daughter and assuring her that this is always home
-a scruffy polar bear...pillow and friend
-pink wildflowers along the highway

-spanish moss-draped trees...everywhere
-moving her into God's will
-breathing
-kilwin, kilimanjaro, killroy, kitty-cat, krill...
-books, books, and more books!
-his new hat
-baby iris
-two dreams realized
-someone having faith in your child
-lotsa lime green
-a make-shift window seat

-a date night
-mother's day, early
-her smiling face
-an unopened box of kleenex
-steps in the park

-heated seats
-putting my arms around her one more time
-safety on the road
-making it home in time for band awards
-putting my arms around my son after being away
-tacos
-mother's day, again

-kayaking
-putting my feet in the sand
-watching the coquinas dig

I hope that if your Monday finds you seeking rest, you can re-play some beautiful weekend memories to help you through...

time racing...

There haven't been new words here in a while... and I've left you hanging at the balloon festival.  I will just plead sorry, and promise that part two is coming... sometime.

The words of my heart are moving at a rapid pace, creating a buzz in the center of my chest, racing so quickly that I cannot catch them, I cannot hear them. 

Boxes are piled in the corner of her room, ready to be transferred to the van.  Tonight. It has taken a few to-do lists to get us here, and every time we check something off the list, it reminds us of something else that should be on the it.  I am anxious to pull out of the driveway, and get to the either we have it or we don't part of this journey. 

The next few days will be exciting... in ways that will scare us and bring us joy.  I'm praying for the balance... and that when we kiss her goodbye, there are only smiles...

when the breathing is hard...

Off they went... father and daughter... off to see the future.
I really didn't mind not going along... I knew they could handle it without me. 
And if one of us was going to pick the apartment without the other, better him than me. 

Yes, I said apartment. 

The time has come... for the future to begin.  I have been holding on for this very moment... anticipating it with great joy and relief.  But tonight... after a couple quick messages, fewer pictures, and a signed lease, I can barely breathe.

My heart aches.  Tears are stinging and I refuse to let them fall. 
How can I feel so sure she needs to be away and so unsure about sending her off at the same time? 
I wonder how much knowledge I can fit into one month. One. 

In a fit of swallowing hard and holding back tears I type out a desperate note to my forever friend... i am freeeeaaaaa-king out.  And she replies with the words I need most: just breathe. and trust. you've raised her well.  she will be okay.  you can do this and you will be in awe of her. i promise.

She would know.
With daughters only six months apart, she has been my go-to girl... for sixteen years.

When they arrived home from making their way up the state and back, I was glad for safe and sound.  But more glad for the look in her eye.  You are excited?  She might have said yes, but I was so enthralled with the glow of her face that I only read her answer.  And so in one short month, we will stack boxes and memories and love into the back of the car, and head off for her next adventure.  And though it is only a month, and communication between there and here can be instant, the last two sentences in this post remind me that I've been preparing for this moment forever...

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

.e.e.cummings