the weekends...

Some weekends leave you rested, and other leave you breathless... and honestly, I don't know which I love better.

A quiet Friday night can ooze into a Saturday, where I find myself stretched out on the couch arguing with the day. The sunshine and blue sky call me to play, but there seems to be nothing I want more that to sit in the stillness, and enjoy the view of the beauty. Basking in the warm light, letting the cool breeze waft in seems not a waste at all. My hands may pick up a book or a discarded project, the laundry spins, a sappy t.v. movie calls to us... and maybe we trek down the road for a walk in the woods.

Sunday morning pancakes and a trip to the store, with a little more lazy afternoon rest. Sometimes just us is all we need, and tucking ourselves away from the world feels just right. Monday comes and we are rested, centered for the week.

Last weekend? Breathless.

The clock couldn't find its way to quitting time fast enough, and before six, we had made a wardrobe change and a quick turn around, back out the door, for a party under the lights and stars. What a night! Family and friends. Food and drink. Dancing and lights and fun... all in one of our most favorite places. Saturday afternoon we said yes to a last minute invitation to basketball and an afternoon with friends, because...why not? We knew by the time we were home, we'd still have an hour or so before making good on on our long overdue (three years?) bowling date! We laughed into the night, knowing a bowling league wasn't for us after all - we're much better at wine club. Of course, Sunday afternoon finds us pressing to get ready for the new week, accomplishing all that tasks we had set side to make room for play... but all the while, the happy glow of the days before lingers loud. Monday comes, and we are still reveling in the fun of the weekend.

Breathless or rested? Somehow I think each speaks its own to a life well lived.

the blustery, beautiful day... part 2

A little bit of fear bubbled up inside me when she asked if I wanted to walk on the weir. Every time we have kayaked up to it, it was wet. And slimy.  Camden had confirmed the slippery-ness of it when he dragged his kayak over and paddled up the other side.  But I decided that at least we could walk up to it.

Leave it to God to force me out beyond my fear...

We spotted a bird coming in for a tree landing, and I couldn't not wander closer.  Was it an eagle? Or not?  I made the first few steps out onto the weir in all but a tip-toe.  It wasn't wet. And although I could hear, and feel, the water underneath, it wasn't slippery or slimy. We still couldn't be sure of the bird, so we walked out a little more, and then a little further.  By the time we had decided it was a juvenile bald eagle, I had walked beyond my fear, and found a new comfort zone.  And as we navigated the remaining bricks, I was laughing in the joy of it.

I don't know if I even have words for what happened next...

Mom and I decided to make the loop, and walk along the dirt trail, rather than retrace our steps.  It was not an easy trek, the trail rocky and littered with ditches... not to mention the fence we had to climb around because the gate was locked!  And just when I thought the walk might never end, we spotted a red jeep across the water, driving (!) towards the tower path.  Hmmm. Bob. And Camden. We waved and jumped and shouted to no avail.  And we decided that if they were going to the tower, we wanted to go back.

Backtracking seemed like a fine idea... but once we climbed back around the fence, I realized that we had walked a greater distance than I had originally thought.  What if Cam & Bob turned around and headed home without even seeing us?!  I called and texted Camden, but there was no answer... so we picked up the pace and trekked on.  Finally, we spotted them again, and this time, they saw us. We thought they would wait for us, but Bob has a way of being our knight in shining armor (for officially 31 years and three days!)...

I was afraid to walk it, but here he came driving across.  Mom and I were laughing hysterically... and she confessed that he had been wanting to try it for months.  We were still laughing when we wearily climbed into the jeep... thankful for the save.

On our way back over the weir (driving!) I was terrified we'd end up off the side, but Bob got us home, safe and sound.  Cam's thoughts about Grampa driving them over the weir?  Cool. And? There was actually an adult bald eagle just sitting in the eagle tree...

the blustery, beautiful day...

She said she had a surprise for me in her neighborhood. I was anxious to get to her so it would be revealed, because she wouldn't even comment on my ridiculous guesses.  We walked along the water where we usually kayak, and the wind that blew our hair this way and that created waves on the usually-still river.   Our conversation was as constant as the wind.  When she pointed me to the walking trail, we took a tall step over the gate instead of swinging it wide.  We laughed our way down the trail, and she hoped that I would be as excited about the surprise as she was, as she thought I would be...

I squealed, because I am a lover of boardwalks.  I love the way they wind into the woods, to a place that would remain unseen without it, and I am so thankful that I live in a place where people take time to carve out the way.  {this is obviously unfinished!}  When I asked if this was the surprise, she smiled and said only part of it! I couldn't imagine what could be better.  But around the bend, was a tower, climbing into the sky, affording us this view...

We sat, we stood, we gazed and talked some more.  We spotted a hawk and two pileated woodpeckers along with some turkey vultures.  As we wandered back down the trail, we decided to continue down to the weir... and then the adventure took a whole different turn.

to be continued...

navigating...

It was fun...pulling out of the driveway, just the two of us.  He is always up for adventure, and maybe, so am I. The reason for the adventure of the weekend is a college visit and interview, but today we will play!

Last night, after navigating the airport, rental car and finding the hotel, we headed back out for dinner. Finding our way back for the night I told Cam that I felt accomplished.  I confessed that I mostly rely on his dad for all of this stuff. Thinking about it more, I realized that when my Mom & I travel, I am mostly in charge. So then I let Cam know a truth that I hope shows love. I told him I rely on Dad for so much not because I have to, but because I want to. 

Eric is my safe place...and that is just the way I want it. 

a short green adventure...

We had planned to head for home first thing... unless our girl needed us.  But a glitch with the car had us waiting for the all ready call from a nearby garage.  I suggested two nearby parks, and he gave me that looks that says not thrilled, this doesn't meet with what I had in mind.  I felt like I was still convincing him when I pointed to the trail marker that said only 0.6 miles.  The morning was clear and bright, and the trail was vivid green... and truly, I think he would have done anything to make me smile, warding off any chance of possible tears.

 

We skipped the loop in favor of the stairs, zig-zagging down into the limestone sinkhole.  The green pulled at me... so lush and wild, hundreds of shades and shapes.  The spiraling steps captured my eye, natural and out of place, all at once.  Streams trickled down through the stones, around fern and moss... and music of the earth sang to my heart.  Life, all around us. 

It was maybe an hour... both of us content with the time we spent.  Together, breathing in creation.  Then the call came, and we were heading home.  I tried to impress Camden by telling him that we went down into a sinkhole, but he turned it right around when his face lit up and said Oh! Devil's Millhopper?  He never ceases to amaze me...

backwards

As excited as I am to move towards this next school year, the milestone of the last day of school has me pedalling backwards.  Back to the first day of school, back to when they were little and school was a place I was looking forward to sending them to.  Oh a million years have passed since then... and each has been a learning experience.  In the moment, and in hindsight.  The lessons learned are not just for the students... this Mama has learned her own fair share.  Most importantly... how to let them make their own mistakes, so that their successes really belong to them, and... sigh... how to let go.  Looking back and recalling the struggles and the overcoming and the successes helps me to step out again in faith.  Thankfulness abounds... because here we go again. This next level of letting go is going to be a doozy.

the slivers

these are magic years...
and therefore magic days...
and therefore magic moments.
-anonymous

I had been really looking forward to sharing this past weekend with my family.  Graduation parties and birthday parties, time with friends... and it was Eric's weekend off.  It doesn't usually happen that way.  And of course, even though we were counting on celebrating so much together this weekend, it didn't happen.  But it was okay.  Eric and Laura were where they needed to be... and Camden & I went on with the plans, tossing in our own little twists here and there. 

There is something just so special about time spent together, with just one... whether it be him, or her.  And when these slivers of time come 'round, I recognize them for what they are... precious gifts, molten love, sweet memories in the making.  So I let the rest of the world wait in line, and I slow the race of  life that seems to chase endlessly after ever bit of energy I can spare... and I marvel at the smallest things.   The way he sits up straighter to avoid the glaring sunshine, our matching cravings for Italian ice and tacos.  The way his hands are no longer small and his legs no longer those of a little boy.  He comes around the corner and asks if there is anything I want help with and we work together in the kitchen side by side, completing the job in half the time.  He picks up my dropped keys and jokes that he'll just drive.  Oh, not much longer and he will. 

The days of little are far behind us.  They held their own magic, and their own sorrows.  But the growing doesn't stop and neither does the marvelous.  When he was six months old, that was my favorite age.  And when he was eight, that was my favorite age.  And now, at fourteen and a half... I feel it again, as I seem to every year. 
Oh, this is my favorite age. 

it has all but begun...

Beautiful mail has been arriving in my mailbox. 

Beautiful mail, announcing a huge milestone.  And these lovely girls, celebrating the end of high school and their next steps out into the great wide world, are each just six months older than my girl, my Laura.  I stare in wonder, and I know that these cards means the end of the road for my denial.  Here we are, on the verge of Senior year, and I can no longer not think ab out it, no longer pretend it is not coming.  Especially when a senior photo was taken and chosen for the Class of 2012 yearbook this week.  Especially when she comes home chattering away that during the pep rally Friday the Seniors paraded out and the Juniors made their way over to the Senior seats in the gym.  Yes, this last year of high school is all but here.  Too few weeks of summer, and the end begins. 

I watch her and wonder if she is ready.  If I have done my job.  If I have provided her with the experiences and confidence and love that she will need to build her own life.  The neighbor raves on and on about how she has grown up... how speaking with her is like speaking to a grown up.  My eyes tell their own story, and yet she persists.  I don't quite see it for myself, but maybe I just won't allow it.  Her thin, blond, wispy hair floating around her wide-eyed little girl face is often all my heart can see.   She'll always be my little girl, won't she? 

If I'm honest, I know the answer is no.  And if I'm a little bit more honest, I know the answer is I don't want her to be.  I want her to be... herself.  I want her to grow beyond my dreams for her.  I want her to grasp the very part of this great wide world that God has chosen for her.  So when the worry inches in... I take that deep breath in ... and I remember these words and ask them to imprint themselves on my heart...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   -Jeremiah 29:11

 

She is already her own shade of beautiful.

She has been blessed with such a beautful heart.  

Jesus has woven Himself through that heart, and through her soul... and I can't really ask for more than that. And so I rest in his plans... the ones for her future.  The future he has designed for her. 

 

No... she won't always be my little girl... but she will always be my girl. 

coming around again

It was a week full of crazy.
The first home game of the season should have been calmer, and... at home. But some things are not meant to be, and there is just nothing that can be done about defective turf, or the downpours that soaked the evenings past saturation. Or even lightening delays.
But when all of what needed to happen to get us there and out onto the field was said and done... there was just enough time to climb up into the stands and find a seat, just a bit weary from the process.
And then it happened.
That bit of silence just before the National Anthem begins... that breath of time when there is nothing but anticipation. Oh, the anticipation! Of the song, the game... marching band season.
It comes again... faithfully.

And at the end of our Friday night, when my voice was strained from cheering, for the band and for the team, victory won out over exhaustion. And it didn't matter a lick that the bears won their home game on someone elses field.
Nope... not a bit. 
Because my beautiful fall Fridays are back, right where they belong.

first day, new year...

Are they ready to go back? people ask. I think long and hard, and finally dredge up an answer. Laura has been at band camp all week, so she already feels like school started, and Cam? Oh, he's up for anything!
It's true.
She's been sweating in the sunshine and dripping in the rain... and it feels like she never left. Laughing with friends, talking about schedules and teachers... and she's happy. I hated to speak the words aloud, but this afternoon I did... Now that band camp is over, you only have to do it one more time! And after Monday? Only one "first day of high school" left. And Laura, she sent me the same bittersweet smile that my heart was feeling.

He really is up for anything. Though he lives for lazy Saturday mornings and teacher work days, and starts counting down the remaining months of school after Christmas Break... he really likes school. His friends, learning new stuff, finding he can excel. And this is his last year of middle school, which means that in a few short weeks he will have the chance to march onto the football field and get a taste of marching band for one night.  Time is a-flying.

So off they went... smiles on somewhat-sleepy faces, and photos of Africa in their backpacks.
Oh, I hope they have to write What I did on Summer Vacation!

time to breathe

Rushing around, adding to the piles, checking the lists... I can feel the breath slipping away from me and the craziness settling in. With the afternoon storms predicted early, I mentioned to Eric that I'd love a trip to the beach... just for the sunset. And this good man, who doesn't love the beach, and perhaps saw the desperation in my eyes, made it happen.
Walking up over the boardwalk I caught the scent of the salty air, and felt the cool breeze that doesn't seem to exist here from June through October. The sparkling blue sea came into view and together with the breeze, coached my breathing along with the waves. But I know who spun the breeze and I know who controls the tide.   Sand between my toes, sea foam splashing up around my ankles... and the breath of God all around me. Such a combination draws the craziness from me, and casts it where it belongs... away.

Cam played at the shore with me while the other half of us stretched out in the sand with their books. Seeing them up there, seemingly content, the compromise is right before my eyes, and I am thankful for the way he indulges me.   The way he knows what I need, and finds it in himself to provide it. 

Forty minutes... just beyond lot three... and it seems... I can breathe again.

a visit

This weekend, while we were so far from home, we decided to push ourselves a little more and take a peek into the future. It seemed silly not to, being only an hour and a half away... and the visit would need to be made at some point. Might as well go the hour and a half today rather than make the whole five hour drive on a separate occasion. And so we found ourselves on the campus of Santa Fe College... at the teaching zoo. We sat in the car as the rain poured down and my insides squirmed at the thought of how quickly two years will fly by. But excitement, and the crowing of peacocks, pushed the uneasiness aside with the rain.
Our zoo guide, armed with her book of facts, led us through their little zoo and gave us just the appropriate time to ooo and ahhh over the animals. We asked her questions about the zoo program and she happily answered and shared how much she was enjoying it and how afraid she was to enter Section "D"... reptiles, snakes and alligators.

I have a feeling we'll visit again, maybe officially.  If Laura wasn't already in love with the prospect of zoo college, which she kind of is, the ocelots just may have clinched it.

Driving away, the sky opened up again... and we were thankful for the dry hour and the peek into what might be.

cooking up a storm... or lo mein

She is a macaroni & cheese expert... but we don't always take the time to let her cook. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that it'll be quicker if I do it myself gene. But this week, when it is just us girls... we have all the time in the world.
We planned.
We shopped.
And then... we cooked.

Truthfully? I loved every second of working beside her in the kitchen. Teaching her to chop the onions just so. Laughing about loving the carrot shredding tool. Scooping up stray mushrooms from the tile floor. It might be quicker to just do it myself... but maybe less joy is not worth the minutes I save.

The recipe? Lazy Lo Mein from Desperation Dinners. I love that cookbook.

two turtledoves

I can hear the whisper of pages unfolding a story, the last bits of rain dripping from the roof. The hum of the computer competes with Scout's purr, and the little bit of music escaping her room. But right here, in the midst of me, all is still and quiet... except for the words spinning in my heart. The house is certainly only half full without them. And quiet. But the quiet refreshes and sustains... and gives a bit of breath to my soul. In. Out.

Four days of just us has been... sweet and fun and joy filled. A reminder of how close our hearts are, even when our minds are miles apart. We paint. We cook. We share stories of horses and kids and games. And we play rousing hands of James Bond that ultimately end with us collapsing in giggles, that are anything but quiet. Perhaps time with just the girls is not so overrated...

These days are... a gift.  Not twelve days, like Christmas... but eight.  And we've only spent half of them.

realizing a gift

My toes are itching to be covered in sand... my feet are longing be lapped with waves... and the shoreline won't be in sight for at least three days. I had intended to carve out a bit of time to play at the beach this weekend but it just never happened. It wasn't even one of those weekends... when every hour has its own agenda. No... it was a weekend with very little planned, very little running. But packing up the sunscreen and a few towels never seemed pressing enough.
Sunday, after cooking and serving up beignets at church (for a fundraiser), the four of us settled in and took some time to... rest. Knowing that there was no place we needed to run off to and that the house was clean (enough), I allowed myself to just be. Mindless TV, cool air, my legs resting over top his, and the sunshine glinting in through the window... brought contentment. It wasn't where I thought I would be... wasting away a beautiful Sunday afternoon... but perhaps, it was where I needed to be. And, time with them... is never wasted.

Celebrating the gift of contentment on a Tuesday... and the hope of a beach day in the near future.