in the shadows

I am a celebrator, a seeker of joy.
Give me a holiday, big or small; a weekend of adventure or an ordinary old Tuesday. I will laugh in the joy, or dig in until I can find it. I love the planning, the doing, the beauty seeking. It is who I am, who I dare to be. 

It is harder... in the shadows of days you could wish away. A day of blustery anger, or heartbreaking sadness, a day when your child tells you their soul doesn't fit in the body they were given. Transgender? It's not something I ever wondered about, and something that has become part of my precious family over the last several years. And what do you say in response to an announcement like this? I said all of the right things: I love you, I support you, I love you, I love you. I've also said plenty of wrong things... because my very soul aches, because I don't understand how this could be, because... from the day that sweet bundle of baby was set in my arms, all I saw was perfect. Are you now not the same person you were when we celebrated five, ten, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one... or the million moments in between? 

I literally have no answers... I just love. Fear scrambles my joy... I continue to just love. I can't see that another choice lies before me, but it is hard to find the joy in this. I read of other people celebrating this with their children, being proud, moving forward with such purpose... and here I sit, in the shadows. Not because I think this is wrong, but because my heart just feels broken... for me and for them. I feel broken. 

The shadows have overcome my days, and where there has always been beauty seeking, I feel... blah. I'm not saying I can't see the beauty of a sunset, feel the love of a hand clasped around mine, or even find joy in laughter that bubbles up unexpectedly. I cherish all of those things. But where the joy once glowed for hours, spurring on more and more joy, the shadows slip in quickly, and blur the lines. 

I long to not be blurry...

finishing up a few things...

On this last day of Christmas break {even though my kids are grown I think of these two weeks as a well earned break!}, with only a few hours of daylight left, I complete a few stray tasks.... clean the fridge, clear the dining room table, organize one drawer. There is plenty more to do, but it seems I have run out of motivation. After a bit I wandered back to my sewing room and sifted through a few things and tried to make a mess of sense out of the items hanging on the wall. I keep tucking photos and sweet cards here and there, and while they make me happy, they deserve a little more breathing room. Don't we all? 

When I head to my kitchen desk tomorrow for work, I'm going to wish there were a few less items on the to do list. But for right now... there are matters more pressing. Cooking dinner together without a rush, enjoy the twinkle of Christmas lights, watch the movie Camden bought, feel the sun shine on my face...

I long to accomplish a great and noble task 

but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks 

as if they were great and noble.

- Helen Keller

After dinner, and enjoying the movie, I found the energy to toss in the laundry, tidy my side of the room, and clear the bathroom counter. This is the kind of list that will never be complete, but having a few less things to think about will make it easier to start in on the first real-life week of the new year. 

from miles away...

I saw it and smiled. Polar bear. Bubbles. Immediately my thoughts went to Laura...
The next steps? Screenshot. Save. Send.

from zoo_aquariums instagram feed. seneca park zoo.

My phone is full of screenshots... quotes, photos, SnapChats, any social media my children pop up on. Sometimes it seems the only way to capture them at this hard stage of young adult life. I save them with intention. To print, to compile...create. It's been a while since I created a photo album of memories, but maybe one day soon. I crave the finished product, but I always seem to have a mess to clean up before I can begin. One day...

Laura replies, and my heart... it skips a beat. I count thanks, and I ache.
Oh, that's so cute. Haha. I needed that. She went on to share a little frustration of her day.
Her new life fills me with joy, but in these moments I want to be within her reach. To ease her heart, to bolster her spirits, to reassure. To squeeze her hand from miles away.

party crashers

She was so excited to finally be having a party!
She told me it had been a year since the last one, and I know it is one my Mom's favorite things to do. We {family} are not often on the guest list, which is always fine... but I got to thinking crazy thoughts.

This weekend my parents would celebrate 35 years of marriage. I love their love, and every day, I am thankful. Thankful that she opened her heart again. Thankful that he saved us. Mom and Bob are absolutely two of the best people I know.  We're lucky and we know it.

34 Years!

But what do you do for the people you love most, who don't need or want for anything? I thought about taking them out for lunch... but Bob would probably insist on paying. Plus, it was getting to be last minute.  My thinking cap was working overtime, and when I came up with a plan too crazy for words... I spoke them anyway. And Eric? He shook his head slightly, and took it in stride, the way he usually does when my eyes grow bright with hope. The next call was... my sister. Are you free tonight? I'll pick you up at 8pm.

We gathered up the last anniversary balloons in town, and drove across town, giddy. I felt like the prize patrol from Publisher's Clearinghouse!

It's getting late... I hope they are still there.
She won't be mad, will she?
Have you ever crashed a party before?
If I move the balloons this way, can you still breathe?

Peeking through the door, we could see that the party was in full force. We took one more photo before we threw open the door and started shouting Happy Anniversary! I could see Bob, who looked up, but hardly missed a beat in his conversation. The party guests looked a little confused, and Mom was around the corner and it seemed like she had to climb over a few people to see what was going on. But then there she was, almost teary, and in disbelief that we were there shouting and carrying on... celebrating them.

It was so much fun. 
But... not only did we crash the party... we broke it! Within a half hour every single guest had said their goodbyes and the house was empty.  But we stayed a little longer, gathered around the table, and played a game. And it felt... kind of perfect.

the lights go dim...

In an unprecedented move I took the decorations off the tree yesterday. {If you've forgotten, I'm more of a Super Bowl Sunday undecorator.} I had some panic-stress to work off, and putting on my sneakers and taking a walk around the block seemed like more than I could handle... so I just started methodically removing memories from the branches of the tree, wrapping them carefully in tissue. It did the trick, and somehow I began to breathe easier.

The tree still stands in the living room though... with the angel holding court over the light.

It seems January is too soon robbed of the glorious December light. Night by night there is less glow, as Santas are tucked away, and twinkling stars are unstrung from branches and window frames. The lights that brought us such joy in early December are suddenly just a nuisance, gladly boxed up for eleven long months. Before long, the street lights and the moon will be the only guides along the way.

In the dimness... I still long for the light, the joy of each December day.
So I light candles, switch on the fireplace, and let the tree glisten for a few more nights... to hold off the dark. And I find ways to light January.

...remembering the wise men are still on their journey to the manger for two more days.
...listening to music that reminds me to choose joy.
...gathering around the table for game night.
...dancing through the living room.
...seeking His Word.

Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. 

Psalm 119:105

what i will hold on to...

Though the memories play through my head and heart, I haven't actually recorded some of the most special moments of the past year. Not writing them down, preserving them in a tangible way, is risky. I don't want to forget... I don't want to lose them in the mess of today {and the todays to come.}

Sometimes I have stood still, closed my eyes, and tried to imprint a memory on my heart, so that I purposefully take the time to revel in the moment... but there are so many other beautiful things that I rush through, not taking the time to drink them in fully, and they are lost in the busyness of ordinary days.

There was a lot of joy tucked in amongst the days of 2018, and feeling great was definitely a highlight, and perhaps too long overdue. It made everything brighter, and easier... and I celebrated it along the way. And on December 11th, on the first anniversary of my life changing successful surgery, I texted my brilliant doctor to thank him. He thanked us right back... for having faith in him, and for showing such patience. I think he can be a humble man, or perhaps the fact that he could not fix my urology problem made him humble. But he kept on researching, and took a chance with something new that he put his own twist on...and it worked. So I celebrate being able to pee... and the freedom that it has brought me in my mind.

This summer I felt free going to Africa, leaving behind the worry and fear.{I think Eric took them on, afraid that I might all of a sudden have a health issue...} I was so happy in Africa, feeling so much joy at our return to the place I fell in love with, afraid that I would never journey back to. I have yet to document the trip, and I'm pressing it on my heart to start soon... because there are incredible experiences to recall and share. Perhaps one of the most awe inspiring moments was when the elephants crossed the road. It was a trip of elephants, and they crossed the roads around us several times... but one morning we watched them gather on the plains, then circled back a while later to see that many more had joined them. And all of a sudden, as if they nodded to each other in agreement, they meandered to the road, and more than ninety elephants crossed before us and behind us. I could have rushed a thousand pictures then and there...but I chose to stop, breathe, and make sure to enjoy the extraordinary moment.

One of my big dreams of last year was to go to Iowa (yes, Iowa!) and see my son play the steel drums in person. I am ever thankful that YouTube can bring him into my living room, but something in me said I had to be there in person. When Camden gave us the concert date we figured out a way to make it happen, and a few days after Thanksgiving we made our way to Iowa. The concert was the main attraction for me... but the traveling and spending time with Eric gave me a joy all of its own. I just felt lucky to be there, grateful to have those days apart from the rest of real life. I knew Cam wouldn't have a lot of free time, so we would have to make our own fun...and we did. Those days have a glow about them in my memory... and I love that. And of course, the concert was fantastic - and when the professor announced that it was Camden's last, the emotions spilled over. I remembered how he didn't want to even try drumming in college, and how once he tried it out, at a new friend's urging, he fell in love with those pans. And I especially remember him telling me that his goal was to make it to the top steel band by his senior year... and he did. He has made a lot of things happen for himself in Iowa...

 Take time to remember... the grand moments and the small. They make us who we are, and help us to dream up the next adventure.
 

for the new year...

Goodbye old, hello new.
2019.
I remember when this number seemed impossible, a lifetime away, and now we are stepping into it with hopes and dreams, goals and perhaps a little bit of trepidation.

As we sit in the glow of 2018 we wonder...
What will this new year bring?
Will it be better than the last?
Have I made my goals too lofty, am I dreaming too big?

My wish for you... and me...
is that you feel the full breath of possibility.
That you feel your fears and and act anyway.
That you listen to what's calling you.
That you find the sacred in the ordinary.
And that love and kindness embrace your heart... always.
{I don't know who to credit for these words, but they fit me and I had to include them...}

Wishing you a lovely 2019 and beyond...

before the storm...

Her 65th birthday celebration trip had been planned for months. Grown ups at Disney World!
When the talk of a hurricane started, we watched the forecast closely and tried to decide:
Do we go... or not? 

The New England in us thought... if we cancel and the storm never comes, we'd be mad. The Florida in us thought... Disney may be the safest place to be if it does come. The government agencies and the news urged everyone to get out if you could.  But Eric's boss told him he could still go, which made us lean into our New England roots. Our only disappointment was that my sister felt like she couldn't leave her kids here in town, just in case... which we totally understood. Three days before the hurricane, we filled the cars with gas, stocked up on supplies, documented our belongings, prepared the house... and headed four hours north to Disney.

Was it the right decision? Once we were on the road, it didn't matter. It was the decision we made. In the end, we were glad we went and everything turned out just fine. We enjoyed all of Disney we planned for (plus one more night)... and saw how Disney handles a hurricane - which was incredible.  

And the birthday celebration? Stay tuned...

the buntings came back!

I was thrilled to spot three painted buntings at the bird feeder at the feeder this year! It is truly a joy to see them, and when they are perched having their afternoon snack, I can hardly turn away. I wasn't holding out hope for their return this winter, because half of their favorite tree came down in the hurricane.
: :
The hurricane... in many ways, we are still recovering from it, even nine months later. Thankfully, our home held strong and the two large trees in the yard are still standing. One of them split and fell away from the house, and while I fully prepared my heart for the other one to have crashed though the front of the house, I believe the criss-cross of roots held it back. Later this month our roof will be replaced - a few shingles flew in the wind (140 mph), and enough was damaged to warrant a new one - but no leaks!

We were at Disney during the storm, watched it play out on TV, and started home as soon as it was safe. Our community was without phone service, and we couldn't get in touch with Eric's parents (they live a mile away), so we had no idea what to expect. Pulling off the highway was a shock to the system. It was almost unrecognizable... trees down, just chewed up by the wind. I had already prepared Eric for the tears that would come when we got home - either way. But the tears that fell were of thankfulness. 

As soon as we knew our family was safe, Eric went to work. Overnights, in hurricane shelters and patrolling gas stations. It was five days without power, so we put our camping equipment and skills to work, trying to stay cool with battery-operated fans, using the battery-operated lights and candles, and setting up the camp kitchen on the lanai. We were asked to stay home, out of the way of first responders... but a couple of times a day I ventured up the road just far enough to get cell service. You knew you were getting close when cars were pulled onto the shoulder and your notifications started pinging! It was a chance to be in touch with the world, but not the people you were worried about most... unless they happened to have found a smidgen of service at the same time. It was a week before I talked to my parents again or was able to communicate with my sister.

In the aftermath of any storm come the stories we need to hear... neighbor helping neighbor, communities raising money for the families and areas that were hit hardest, volunteers pitching in to clean up the mess. My parents worked tirelessly at the zoo, helping it to open six weeks after the storm. We had a group come by and clean up the tree in the backyard. Our Community Foundation raised over two millions dollars for hurricane relief, and we are still doing good with what remains.

Our city is coming around again.

she keeps leaping...

We loved seeing Laura in Boston, and meeting the people she has been working with for the last ten months. They have become family, and we could tell, that as May progressed and the end of this assignment was coming closer, that it was getting hard. How do you say goodbye to the new life that you have created? And... where do you go from here?

She thought she was staying in Boston through the summer, but when that fell through (which may have produced my crazy thought) she had little time to figure out her options, and what might be the next best thing for her. Her new people jumped into limbo with her, and using their resources, worked to help her make a new plan.

God's timing is {always} perfect. Two days before we arrived in Boston, Laura left the land of limbo and found out she would be heading to New Orleans to serve with the Lutheran Young Adult Corp for 10 weeks. She is thrilled to have a new placement, a next adventure! And two days after we kissed her goodbye, she landed in NOLA to begin her new work.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares
the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

our girl...

Last summer, her world shifted. Home from a mountaintop experience of volunteering at the LCMS National Youth Gathering, she lost half her work hours at the zoo. As much as she loves {LOVES} that zoo, getting her full time hours was a struggle - she'd work them a few weeks, and then she wasn't scheduled for anything but her giraffe time. We could tell it was taking a toll on her confidence, her dreams, and on her soul itself.

After a(nother) month of struggling, she decided to look for a part time job to add to her giraffe days. The local Children's Museum interviewed her for less than ten minutes, and then she got a call offering the job. She's been there since September, and loving it.

halloween at the museum

Within weeks we noticed she was coming back around to herself... and we have just been thankful. Even though her work week was six days (3 days zoo, 3 days museum) she began to blossom once again. I have loved listening to her chatter on about her day, and once in a while she shares that she earned another "star"... a compliment from a co-worker or a guest.

At the end of April, Laura received news that she had been accepted to join the Lutheran Young Adult Corps... and it is her current dream come true. In just a month she will be headed off for urban ministry in Boston! It is a ten month position and she thrilled to have the chance to be a part of this first mission!

All along, through her Zoo School experience and her jobs, I have continued to recite the verse that helps me breathe when I start to worry about the future...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He has hopes and dreams for us that we can hardly fathom... and He will lead us to them. When you look back along the journey, it is amazing to see the twists & turns in the road... and in place of those hairpin turns that broke our hearts, we now say ah-ha! I am ever thankful for this... as it gets me through the newest twist along our way, with a sense of comfort, even in the dark.

Time is flying, as summer does, and the time for her to head north is coming quickly. We can hardly wait to see what God has in store for her as he continues to work in her life.

days to waste...

The weekend was full, as it always is.
Somehow, even on the nothing to do days, we find some way to fill them.

I still can't get used to the fact that we have weekends with nothing to do. No kids to tote here or there. No band to cheer for. No pressing schedule. One of these days we will find a cause, but for now, we rest a rest that includes not-too-many obligations. As much as I lived for the hustle and bustle of the high school years, this is bliss.

We have time to go two hours early for a two hour parade...

We can say yes to a basketball game invite, last minute or not...

or we can just stay home and do nothing together.

Sometimes we just waste the day away... except I don't think it is a waste at all, as long as we are together. I really didn't think I would like this stage of my life... but I really, really do.

lifted up & overcome...

It has been two months since my surgery.
It seems like it was forever ago, which can only mean that I am feeling great!  I am so very thankful for that... since the whole thing was so much more than I had bargained for. Even though it was scheduled outpatient, I thought we might end up staying over night... but not three nights.

I have been dealing with this urology issue for years... seven? Probably longer. It hurts to pee, and then there were times when I just couldn't. It is not fun to talk about or think about, but there it is. No one really knows why I have had all of this scar tissue build up, only that it is definitely a problem, and definitely on the unique-ish side. It got to a point where I was going every 3-4 months to have everything stretched out, and that was okay. Even though it was considered surgery, and I was under anesthesia, it was quick and easy. But one day my doctor told me that she had been to a conference, and and thought of me as she was listening to one doctor's lecture. He might be able to help me with a forever-fix. Procrastinator that I am, I waited six months to call him. I finally met him this spring, and we decided to start the journey. He is only one of ten doctors that perform this surgery, and even though I may have grumbled almost every time we trekked across Alligator Alley, I was also counting my blessings that he was only a two hour drive away.

We arrived at the hospital, and while we were waiting to be checked in, Eric posted something to Facebook. I inwardly groaned, as I had only told a few people I was even going to the hospital, but I let it go. I had other things to think about.

I don't even remember being in the recovery room. The first thing I remember was voices talking, while I was being rolled to a room in the hospital, and the overwhelming feeling of nausea. I couldn't even look around the room and see that my husband had a sofa bed and a chair until sometime the next day, I was just thankful he was there by my side.

As for Facebook, I was also thankful. I think it kept Eric going... communicating with friends, knowing we were being prayed for. I would hear his phone beep, and he would update me on the newest message. He was also texting with several people, and it all just made us feel loved, and lifted up. And Kim, your long-distance nursing was a priceless gift! When I was finally able to read some, and respond, on Sunday, I was overwhelmed. Thank you, dear friends, for saying a prayer, for wishing us well, for walking along beside us.

And Mom, I am not sure you can imagine what it meant to me that you came across the state to see me. Maybe my tears said it all, but you were what I needed. You are one of the two people in my life that help me breathe when I feel like I can't. I love you.

Three nights and four days in the hospital is no fun... but the blessings, and the healing, have overcome.

not just standing still...

On our way to work I spotted two otters alongside the canal, one sunning, and the other diving in for a swim. I shouted out, and was happy that my girl actually saw them before we sped on. It made us both smile.

Laura loves her job at the zoo. Better than that? The zoo loves her right back.

Last month, while the zoo was going through their accreditation process, Laura had the opportunity to be interviewed on procedures and talk with some of the AZA people. She even shared her zoo school experience, and I admire her for it. For taking that weakness, and turning it around the best she can.

When she couldn't go back to the zoo program, I think we were all more than a little broken. But she continued to talk about it in a positive context, and I finally asked her why? She told me because I learned so much, and even though I didn't pass, being there was such a great experience.  Me? I would have taken that failure and buried it so deep I might not have thought about it again. Ever.

This girl of mine is so brave.

She has been working her heart out at the zoo for over a year... and maybe it seems like she is just standing still. But she isn't. She is learning all she can in her environment, making contacts, doing anything they ask her to, with a smile. She continues to dream, and hope that she will get her big chance. I admire her so much.

the state of this heart...

I have spent some time reflecting on my writing... or the absence of it. The words dance through my heart, ready to speak, and when I sit down, they seem to evaporate. Or I simply procrastinate them away. I feel busy, but I'm not. All of the words you have praised over the years have come easily... flowed right out of my heart in a rush of love. My heart isn't lacking love these days, but perhaps just the flow-y.  Maybe the opposite of flow-y is limbo, and limbo is one of those phases of life I am not-so-good at.

When I think about this year, there has been a lot of limbo... and not too much ordinary. The year has been wonderful, full of celebrations and joy... but the transitions from one event to another have felt pretty limbo-y... waiting with too much time, or not quite enough. We threw two Eagle Scout parties, all the while pressing Cam to work on scholarship applications. And then, of course, there was the college decision hanging over all our heads... talking it out when he wanted to, holding my own hopes back while he figured it out, all the while wondering how we would actually pay for it. The decision was ultimately his, but oh what a toll it took on our day to day lives while we waited. The graduation festivities carried on through the whole of May, all the while I was making trips to the doctor getting antibiotic & steroid shots to hold off the pneumonia.

Summer was too short, and too long... we all struggled with the balance of getting ready for Iowa, and fitting in all the fun and making all the memories of these last couple of months before life changed. I miscalculated and lost a week in August, and then was thrilled to find it again... although even that "extra" week moved too quickly. I was so thankful when we pulled out of the driveway... we had everything, or we didn't, and there was only time to enjoy and let the plan fall into place.

Leaving Iowa wasn't as tough as I thought it would be, and I felt like the end of our to-do list was in sight. Two more items... Disney's Night of Joy, and then my October 1st surgery. I never expected that I would fall apart over a plate of Mickey waffles, but there we were, at the Animal Kingdom Lodge... and I missed Camden so much I could barely breathe. As for my surgery... well, that was more than I had bargained for. Three days more, with a recovery that had me on the verge of tears more than once.

These months have been a checklist of wonderful milestones... and once we shouted off "check!" the next item on the list was always looming before us, pressing my heart to prepare, with little time for rest.

So here I am, with Thanksgiving only two days away. Thankfully, it will be a quiet one, and after a beautiful weekend of celebrations, I am ready for the quiet, and the rest that a few days off will bring. I am aching for the ordinary. We dream of wild and wonderful... but what our hearts truly need is a good dose of ordinary. It is where we gain strength for the unexpected and the celebrating. Our day to day ordinary life is a beautiful gift to be embraced... so that when the exotic and the exciting knocks at our door, we will be well rested and ready to dance.

loved.

I am pushing myself through the days, sometimes speaking out loud to accomplish this or make progress on that. This morning I hit a wall... wondering if I was coming or going, and only wanting to hide under the covers for a few more hours, or maybe the rest of the day. I wonder if I am starting to get sick, but I don't even what to think about it, since I must be well for my surgery next week. {surgery?! yes... hoping for a final fix to this.}

I headed out the door anyway... and in my blah mood, my eyes were glued to the road, my heart heavy with doubt. Half-way to work, three of my favorite songs played on the radio in a row, starting with Mandisa's Good Morning... how can you not feel just-a-little-better when you hear that? Though I felt encouraged, I could still feel a tear or two hovering in the wings.  I dropped Laura at the zoo, thanked her for her help in getting me out the door this morning, and then headed off to work, wondering, how? And just before I came to the zoo entrance, I spotted a little blue zippy car. I stopped and in a flurry of arms flying and buttons being pushed, I finally got my window rolled down. She did the same, and we shouted I love yous across the road.

Thank you, God... for lining up your love for me... even putting my Mom in just the right place at just the right time. You always know just what I need, and I am so thankful for your provision, the way you make me feel loved.

journey to a smile...

The pains started about two weeks ago. The clutch in my chest. The sting of tears behind my eyes. He is really leaving...

We were in the kitchen starting dinner and I told Eric I'm starting to get sad. With love and knowing in his eyes, he replied I was wondering when, and he kissed the top of my head. We both know life will be different with our easy-going, adventurous son half-way across the country.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The breathing is working, the sadness has been shoved back behind the to-do list. Even his almost empty room seems okay. But today, the pains return stronger and closer together. Familiar... and I realize the laboring wasn't really over eighteen Decembers ago.  That finally now, almost nineteen years later, I must be prepared for that final push.

He leans his head onto my shoulder and it has a sweetness that seems to move me more than all the times I could hold all of him in my arms.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Three farewell dinners, and between grandparents, we celebrated Friday pizza on a Wednesday. An ordinary evening in the mist of an extraordinary week. It is just what we needed. And those two... they sat and visited and played video games between slices, just as they have for twelve years. Boys to men. They wished each other well and sealed their friendship with a firm handshake.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The list still lingers and Eric is out mowing the lawn. Cam and I find jobs we can do while we watch the last episode of Food Network Star. He looks at me sitting on the floor folding laundry and pats the seat beside him. For a moment I am torn, because the list, but I come to my senses and join him on the couch. It is only seconds before he leans fully into me, his head fitting just right into the crook of my neck. My chest is crushed with love and I try to hide my gasp for breath... and one lone tear escapes, leaving the others to burn. The mower continues to make loops around the yard and I feel almost guilty for sitting, but oh I cannot give up these minutes. Surely I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Cam, are you ready for this adventure? he asks as we pull out of the driveway and begin the drive north. Of course he answers the only way he knows how Yes! It makes me smile knowing this is the honest truth. But when the next question comes from Eric, I pinch back tears. Is mom ready? I say Yes, because I want nothing to come between my son and his dreams.

The Iowa sunshine welcomed us to the land of corn, and we laughed as we put miles behind us. There is always fun to be had on a road trip. And then I saw the sign, Mount Vernon 8 miles, and all of the tears I had been holding back for weeks could not be held a moment longer.

  



He was good to me. He smiled for every picture; he let me take as many as I wanted. And then it was time... to say goodbye. I took his face in my two hands and repeated the goodbye I've uttered a million times before Make good choices, be YOU, I love you...

As he walked off into the sunshine, I saw him as the man he has become... and it made me smile.