this season...

Perhaps more than ever before, I feel myself beginning to bloom. I feel good in my skin, and am proud of the accomplishments I am making. Am I where I want to be? I'm getting there. It may not be as quickly as I want it to be, but I remind myself that the lessons don't come easy, and the longer I press the habits into my mind, the better chance I have at sticking by them. I have miles to go, but feel confident in my ability to continue the journey and make it my own.

And so the blooming? It is a joy that exudes and convinces me to start a conversation without fear, or dance in a crowd without caring if someone is watching. It is loud laughter and a funny comment, or sharing a bit of life-lived advice, offering my heart. It is stepping out of my shadow, and feeling like I belong.

This is the season she will make beautiful things.
Not perfect things,but honest things
that speak to who she is and who she is called to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

up close...

I swoop my hair to the left as I lean in to the mirror, assessing the smudged liner at the corners of my eyes. Up this close, I see the light catch the silver strands that hide among the chestnut, and I wonder for the umpteenth time if I should do something about them. There aren't too many, but just a few months ago someone gave me a genuine compliment on my highlights. No, that's just my 48 years making their presence known. Once again, I decide to let it go and steer the concentration back to the ever-smudge of dark liner framing my eyes.

Once upon a time, a friend began to refer to me as the girl with the smiling eyes. How I love that! and wonder, do they still smile? Staring into the depths of flecked green, I crinkle up my eyes, and the reflection does, indeed, smile back. I believe it is the result of select wisdom, shared during my youth, by people I have admired...words that stuck in my soul and wrapped around my heart.

You shouldn't need a smile on your face for people to know you are happy... this is from my Mom, spoken as we trudged our way through knee deep snow, homeward bound from our walk to North Scituate on a snow day. I remember the fun of the walk, the chill, and visiting the yarn store {was it the only thing open?} and her voice sharing this bit of wisdom.

Your eyes are the windows to your soul, my dear...spoken in US History class by a favorite teacher. I had not done my reading, and he knew it. Though he said it with a smile, and a twinkle in his eye, he know that I understood, and I certainly realized that these eyes of mine are a dead give away.

And so my eyes tell the tale of today...
I am content.
I am joyful and joy-filled.
I am ready for adventure... even if it just a walk around the block.
I am here for you.
I am...

birthday bliss...

I wrote this the morning after my birthday, and when I tried to add pictures, the computer said no. So... I went on with my day, and these words have been gathering dust. Today, I declare this as birthday week!  We celebrated mine, and two others... and maybe this is where I start from.
: :
Yesterday was beautiful.
I woke up knowing that my house was full. Four.
As I sat in the dark, the room lit only by the Christmas tree's twinkling lights, I felt joy, contentment. The coffee was hot and sweet, I was cozy in the chill of the morning, and my heart was light. My day was just beginning, but I had already celebrated it twice...

In church, as the acolyte came forward and lit all four Advent candles, I somehow felt that all was right with the world... or at least my world. It is funny how being surrounded by the ones you love, with a special day before you, can mask any problems lurking in the shadows... if you are willing to just let them go.

We wandered the zoo for a few hours. The sky was my favorite blue, and the breeze laughed around us, making us feel free and giddy. Cam being home makes it all just right... Laura is happier, Eric is sillier, and I am just enjoying every minute.

Tacos for dinner, with my family. Messages from friends. A phone call from my Dad. Every piece of the day was beautiful. And as I sat in front of my birthday cake, all a-glow with flickering light, I had that moment, that catch in my throat. Love. Overwhelmed by it.

Hello, Forty-four. We have things to do, people to love, gifts to be thankful for.

lifted up & overcome...

It has been two months since my surgery.
It seems like it was forever ago, which can only mean that I am feeling great!  I am so very thankful for that... since the whole thing was so much more than I had bargained for. Even though it was scheduled outpatient, I thought we might end up staying over night... but not three nights.

I have been dealing with this urology issue for years... seven? Probably longer. It hurts to pee, and then there were times when I just couldn't. It is not fun to talk about or think about, but there it is. No one really knows why I have had all of this scar tissue build up, only that it is definitely a problem, and definitely on the unique-ish side. It got to a point where I was going every 3-4 months to have everything stretched out, and that was okay. Even though it was considered surgery, and I was under anesthesia, it was quick and easy. But one day my doctor told me that she had been to a conference, and and thought of me as she was listening to one doctor's lecture. He might be able to help me with a forever-fix. Procrastinator that I am, I waited six months to call him. I finally met him this spring, and we decided to start the journey. He is only one of ten doctors that perform this surgery, and even though I may have grumbled almost every time we trekked across Alligator Alley, I was also counting my blessings that he was only a two hour drive away.

We arrived at the hospital, and while we were waiting to be checked in, Eric posted something to Facebook. I inwardly groaned, as I had only told a few people I was even going to the hospital, but I let it go. I had other things to think about.

I don't even remember being in the recovery room. The first thing I remember was voices talking, while I was being rolled to a room in the hospital, and the overwhelming feeling of nausea. I couldn't even look around the room and see that my husband had a sofa bed and a chair until sometime the next day, I was just thankful he was there by my side.

As for Facebook, I was also thankful. I think it kept Eric going... communicating with friends, knowing we were being prayed for. I would hear his phone beep, and he would update me on the newest message. He was also texting with several people, and it all just made us feel loved, and lifted up. And Kim, your long-distance nursing was a priceless gift! When I was finally able to read some, and respond, on Sunday, I was overwhelmed. Thank you, dear friends, for saying a prayer, for wishing us well, for walking along beside us.

And Mom, I am not sure you can imagine what it meant to me that you came across the state to see me. Maybe my tears said it all, but you were what I needed. You are one of the two people in my life that help me breathe when I feel like I can't. I love you.

Three nights and four days in the hospital is no fun... but the blessings, and the healing, have overcome.

the state of this heart...

I have spent some time reflecting on my writing... or the absence of it. The words dance through my heart, ready to speak, and when I sit down, they seem to evaporate. Or I simply procrastinate them away. I feel busy, but I'm not. All of the words you have praised over the years have come easily... flowed right out of my heart in a rush of love. My heart isn't lacking love these days, but perhaps just the flow-y.  Maybe the opposite of flow-y is limbo, and limbo is one of those phases of life I am not-so-good at.

When I think about this year, there has been a lot of limbo... and not too much ordinary. The year has been wonderful, full of celebrations and joy... but the transitions from one event to another have felt pretty limbo-y... waiting with too much time, or not quite enough. We threw two Eagle Scout parties, all the while pressing Cam to work on scholarship applications. And then, of course, there was the college decision hanging over all our heads... talking it out when he wanted to, holding my own hopes back while he figured it out, all the while wondering how we would actually pay for it. The decision was ultimately his, but oh what a toll it took on our day to day lives while we waited. The graduation festivities carried on through the whole of May, all the while I was making trips to the doctor getting antibiotic & steroid shots to hold off the pneumonia.

Summer was too short, and too long... we all struggled with the balance of getting ready for Iowa, and fitting in all the fun and making all the memories of these last couple of months before life changed. I miscalculated and lost a week in August, and then was thrilled to find it again... although even that "extra" week moved too quickly. I was so thankful when we pulled out of the driveway... we had everything, or we didn't, and there was only time to enjoy and let the plan fall into place.

Leaving Iowa wasn't as tough as I thought it would be, and I felt like the end of our to-do list was in sight. Two more items... Disney's Night of Joy, and then my October 1st surgery. I never expected that I would fall apart over a plate of Mickey waffles, but there we were, at the Animal Kingdom Lodge... and I missed Camden so much I could barely breathe. As for my surgery... well, that was more than I had bargained for. Three days more, with a recovery that had me on the verge of tears more than once.

These months have been a checklist of wonderful milestones... and once we shouted off "check!" the next item on the list was always looming before us, pressing my heart to prepare, with little time for rest.

So here I am, with Thanksgiving only two days away. Thankfully, it will be a quiet one, and after a beautiful weekend of celebrations, I am ready for the quiet, and the rest that a few days off will bring. I am aching for the ordinary. We dream of wild and wonderful... but what our hearts truly need is a good dose of ordinary. It is where we gain strength for the unexpected and the celebrating. Our day to day ordinary life is a beautiful gift to be embraced... so that when the exotic and the exciting knocks at our door, we will be well rested and ready to dance.

beautiful from the inside out

I have seen this challenge pop up here and there in my reading... post five photos that you feel beautiful in. I haven't done it yet, but it has me thinking. About myself. About beauty. About how I am a self-proclaimed beauty-seeker and I hardly ever look my own way for that beauty.

What makes me feel beautiful?  Laughing. Accomplishing something. Celebrating. And my husband's kisses- he can melt my negative voice with just one. And... lately?  Exercise. Oh yes, that word did just roll off my keyboard. When I have finished a workout I can actually feel the sparkle in my eyes.

I like to look pretty... hair in place, make-up and just the right outfit. But I have come to learn, that looking pretty and feeling beautiful are two different things. Completely. Because I have felt more beautiful sitting in Chipotle, hot & sweaty from a beach walk, laughing with Suz... than I have all dressed up at a party.  And dancing on dusty red clay in my hiking shoes, or lending a hand to a hot air balloon crew,  fills me with a feeling of beauty far more than putting on Sunday best for church. Let me be silly, or document a moment. Those are the things that fill me with joy... and make me see the world with smiling eyes.

Diving in to life makes me feel beautiful.

just... me.

I often feel that our greatest individual challenge is to close the gap

between our unflattering self-concepts and the truth of our magnificence.

To see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us.

-Jeff Brown

Working on it... a lot. And... I'm making progress.
For the first time in a long, long time, I am not cringing when I look in the mirror, and it doesn't set my whole day off kilter. I have been participating in an online boot camp, and although I have lost a little weight and some inches, I see the most difference on the inside.  I feel different. Energized. Motivated. Strong. Valuable.  And... I did 30 push ups this morning. Yes. Three-oh. That is 20 more than I could do nine weeks ago. I am a-changing... and I am grateful.

friday letters {the anniversary edition}

Dear Eric,
Thank you...
For twenty-one years.
For putting up with me, for loving me. 
For our children and the life we have made together.
For laughter and silliness and happy and sad.
For knowing me... and for knowing what I need to breathe, even when what I need is exactly the opposite of what you want. 
For trust and faith and... napkin roses.

Dear Laura & Camden,
I am so amazed by you... not once was there a pout or a complaint about us going to Disney World without you.  Thanks for not asking what we brought you... since we didn't. Oh, well, wait... there was free soap at the hotel!  But really, remember this. Remember that it is okay, and necessary, to take time for yourself and your spouse... that it is not just the kids that need to laugh and play!  I promise you that someday you are going to need this time...

Dear Angel {that was his real name!},
Thank you for finding us a reservation at Be Our Guest!  I loved how excited you were to find it!  I had faith that we would get in, but I never dreamed that we would have a reservation in hand before we even stepped into the park!  I hope it was okay that I jumped on the bed!

Dear Animal Kingdom Lodge,
Dumela! Thank you for welcoming us, even though we weren't sleeping there.  You were a shelter from the rain, a lovely sight for my whole being, a place to sit, rest and enjoy.  We loved touring your restaurants and discovering that you have gluten-free zebra domes!  And Chef Vicky, you are a star... our anniversary breakfast dessert was a beautiful start to our amazing day!

Dear Belle,
What fun to chat with you in France! 
Everything you told us about the Beast Castle was true!  It was amazing and beautiful!

Dear Mad Hatter & Fairy Godmother,
We could hardly believe your sweet personal anniversary wishes from way up high in the parade!  We thought we had the perfect spot... and it turned out that we were right.  You helped make it oh-so-special!

Dear Beast,
Your castle is magnificent. Just stepping in was like being whisked away into the fairy tale!  When I spotted you in your study, I think I exhaled... I was so hoping to meet you!  And our meeting was so much more than I could have imagined.  A kiss on the hand, and a warm embrace.  {sigh}  Perfect.   And dinner!  We loved our little table for two, set with a flickering candle and red rose napkins.  The food was divine... and the grey stuff?  I no longer need to ask the dishes...

Dear Eric,
Yes, you, again...
I may love the Beast, but you are the fairy tale that God wrote for me. 
You are my love story that never ends...

yay five!

We celebrate life in fives... five-ten-fifteen-twenty...
If  you count by fives long enough, you fall into that sing-song elementary rhythm that is inescapable.  But when I think five, Rudy Huxtable's voice slips into my head shouting Yay five!  There is just something about that number.  And when my kiddos hit that magic milestone, you can be sure that I was shouting Yay five! as we high five-d and celebated. 

And today, I shout it again, amazed that I have written five posts, let alone five years worth of posts.  I clicked that "create blog" button without a clue that I would have anything to say, that I would enjoy writing again, and especially that I was entering into a community where friends on the other side of this screen are real and true.  My mother was horrified and my husband was suspicious... but God brought the words to my heart, and Beyond Grace won them over in a beautiful way.

Five years ago, I was right where I wanted to be.  Life was grand.  And then things started changing, causing me to stretch and grow beyond that grand little place.  It was hard and sometimes it hurt more than I thought I could bear... and other times, it was more beautiful than I could have possibly dreamed!  I am so thankful that God had more in mind for me!   He has shown me the messy and the beautiful... and that the messy can be beautiful if you change the eyes of your heart.  He has taught me to dance and to dream... that no matter where I am, He'll meet me right there.  And when I wonder if the words will keep coming, I will just remember, with a smile on my face, that God's not done with me yet...

 

Thank you...

for reading my heart and finding something beautiful here. 

click here for a "remember when" post!

a new decade

The lights are still strung across the backyard, and while traces of the fiesta remain here and there, the cake is but a memory.  Hello forty, here I am.  The neighbor was kind enough to say that he would have thought thirty... and though I smiled graciously, I am owning forty.  What else can you do, really, when your daughter is just weeks away from eighteen?   I would not trade a smile or laugh line for all the world... and even the worries that have etched their marks, have contributed to who I am now.  Lessons and laughter and living... I will bring them along into this next decade of me.  Yes, I will own forty... because as it has been said, it is not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years.

night lights

I am a New England girl, heart and soul. 
I long for the crisp chill of winter, and I dream of white Christmases.  But life and God's plan has me planted in the warmth of Florida...

And nights like this... tell me I am right where I belong.

i might write

I set myself up for failure... again and again. 

I become satisfied... I think, this is it. 

And then I stop....

and I don't know why. 

Three years ago, on Aprill 11th, I started this blog. 

I never believed I was a writer. I never thought I would have this much to say.  I never imagined I'd keep something up for one year, let alone three.  I amazed myself... and maybe one or two others.  And now... I'm stuck.  But stuck with thoughts rambling around in my head, trying to make some sense of themselves.  Trying to be free...

I scribble down notes, so I won't forget...
visit with Jenn
spilled tears

prayer changes me

expert on motherhood?

gifts from the sea

islands of adventure

and... maybe, one day soon, I just might write.

happy cinco de mayo!

You didn't think I would forget, did you?!

if you met me...

I hope you would see my smile first... and not the uncertainty behind it, the shyness, the I am not enough-ness.  And then, perhaps you would see my eyes.  There you would see my heart.  Open and friend-seeking... sparkling the smile of who I want to be.  There would be talking, and there would be laughter... and the laughter would tumble all that ugliness that catches in my breath and asks will she like me? into oblivion.  Sometimes I believe that laughter can cure all... add in a little (or a lot of) chocolate and we might just be able to save the world.

I am meeting an imaginary-but-very-real-friend this weekend... and we made a promise over the phone.  Not to be nervous.  I plan to keep my end of the bargain, because I know from her words and her heart that shines through them, that I already love her.  And I hope that she will do the same... because what is in my heart, and who I am... is all right there in the words.

5-10-15-20...

No. You don't have to do more math.  But you could sing a little. 
Do you remember learning to count by fives? 
And chanting them incessantly? 
I remember loving it... and to this day, I can't count nickels without singing that rhythm.

Fiiiive, tehhhh-en, fif-teen, tweeen-ty....

I wasn't counting nickels today, but it popped into my mind anyway, and I thought I'd share some bits about me... in groups of five.  Just for fun.

Five things in my purse...
5.  Burts Bees Clove chapstick.
5.  a very pretty crossword puzzle book... "easy."
5.  AA batteries... in case my camera runs out!
5.  my out-of-juice ipod.
5.  two chocolate & green starlight mints that I never ate after a beautiful breakfast out with a friend.

Five words that conjure beauty in my mind...
10.  love
10.  grace
10.  dessert
10.  shine
10.  friend

Five silly things that are so... me
15.  jumping in puddles.
15.  really loud laughter.
15.  ice cream earrings.
15.  uncontainable excitement that has my feet leaving the floor.
15.  dessert plates for every holiday & season.

Five lessons I have learned...
20.  be yourself, and let your children be themselves.
20.  when you finally gather the courage to stretch your box, you might find that it gives you the strength to stretch again.
20.  laugh, cry, love... one at a time, or all at once. 
20.  friendships are precious, and time spent sharing your heart is time very well spent.
20.  comfortable is good. necessary. a gift... and so very under-rated.

The picture doesn't have a thing to do with this post... but I thought it might ease the pain of the "counting-by-fives" song that will probably be stuck in your head all day!

taking the first step, again

When I am trying to get motivated to move in the morning, I take care to lay out my shoes and socks, so I won't be fumbling in the dark when the clock glares 5am. Last night, I laid out my bible. And Jesus Calling... because truthfully, He has been, and I haven't been answering. And this morning, I wanted to be able to find my way to the quiet, without fumbling in my own darkness.
As I was catching up on blog reading yesterday, my Goodlife friend Dawn set a challenge before me. Spend 24 hours with God in 24 days. Of course He is worthy of at least that... but the thought of taking on this challenge took the breath from me. I sat and re-read her words... and still, I felt the fear. I asked myself what I was afraid of, because surely nothing bad could come from spending time together with God... except the bad in me. Failure, transparency... guilt. But God already knows all those things that are in me... and still, His love and grace are lavished over me in ways I cannot comprehend.   And so I prayed that He would get me where I needed to be. 
Today I begin my journey anew. This quiet time that I never take, choosing instead to ramble on all day with my Savior. And He speaks right to me.  Days... present a choice between two alternatives- giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young)
And you know what? I already knew that, here in my heart where it counts. I just chose not to live it, not to choose it.  I may not make 24/24... but to choose to close my heart to the idea means choosing not to accept the gift He gives through His word. What if I only accomplish 22/24, or 17/24?  Or even 3/24?  I will still feel His love around me, still know that I have not been rejected... still know that even 3/24 is better than 0/24. 
In the soft glow of the lamp, in the early hours of this morning, in the quiet, here I sat... continuing on with a pile of books that are filled with His words.  Words that are truth and light  ... that are just for me. And just for you. And I pray... give me a fresh hunger to devour the scriptures so that I am not satisfied unless I have been filled with Your truth every day. (Busy Mom's Guide to Prayer, Lisa Whelchel) 
As the sun brings light to the day, I somehow feel it in my soul, too.  No need to wonder how or why God planted these words in these books for today, September 8th... because this girl knows better than to question His knowing... and better than to question His love.

then. now. still.

A few weeks ago I shared one of my favorite books. After I wrote, I lingered in the pages of happiness. Items I starred or marked with a smile... little notes jotted as a way to remember. As I leafed through, I saw... that the girl who wrote in this book then has grown up. Twenty years, and all that comes with those years, will do that for a girl. There are things that made me happy then, that make me laugh and think you didn't know anything.
Making a tape of favorite songs. Silly putty. Hope chests. Spinning pennies. Shooting a whole roll of film in one day. Collages. Glass slippers.
And there are entries I skipped over that must not have meant a thing to that oh-so-young heart.
Thumbprint art. Proudly wearing a wedding band. Saying grace. Kids' imaginations. The head-for-the-beach-anyway plan. Camden soup. Teaching by example.
And still. Oh, there is a lot of that girl still in me. That makes me smile and know... that I am still a dreamer.
Beach scenes. Accepting a compliment. Handwriting. Someone who looks right at your eyes and smiles a huge sweet smile. Rainbows. Those moments that go beyond words...

verbs

We stepped in the door just moments before the sky opened up and the storm began raging... and we watched through the window as the streets filled up and puddles grew deep. Inside, safe and dry... there was quiet chatter and the whisper of glaze-laden brushes scraping over bisque. Thinking. Creating. Spending time with my girl. And now we each have a new vessel for tea.

It is now my new favorite mug... full of verbs. A to-do list of sorts.
Dream. Smile. Give. Believe. Pray. Encourage. Kiss. Love.

inspire me

Wondering about the music blaring in my ears while my feet are flying? These are my right-now favorites...

Walk on the Water... Britt Nicole
It's Your Life... Francesca Batistelli
The Lost Get Found... Britt Nicole
More Beautiful You... Jonny Diaz
You're Beautiful... James Blunt
Unwritten... Natasha Bedingfield
Hold Up My Heart... Brooke White
Beauty in the World... Macy Gray
Better than a Halleluia... Amy Grant
Something Beautiful... Need to Breathe
Crazy Beautiful... Chasen
Let the Waters Rise... Mikes Chair

Maybe the more I hear it, the more I believe in the possibility...

Linking up to Hillary's friday favorites!

lessons in beauty

Last night, there were awards and a dance...

... and it hit me all over again how grown up she is becoming.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was just a month or so before seventh grade began... when I asked my daughter if she wanted to wear make-up. That's how old I was... when my Mom offered make-up to me. I was thrilled... and have been in love ever since. Laura? She half-heartedly said okay. We bought some and tried it... but you know, it just wasn't her thing. And eventually, I was okay with that. It wasn't that I thought she needed to wear it, I just expected that she'd want to.

But last night... she let me. For this dress-up night.
Her face is petite... her eyes are tiny... and her lashes are long. The kind that boys are usually blessed with. I would swipe on a generous swish of color... and immediately wipe it off. I gently lined her eye lids... then smudged the heck out of that careful line to fade it into oblivion. And what I finally learned was... I could make her no more beautiful that she already was. God fashioned those pretty eyes just so... and so I left them with barely a whisper of shadow and a brief flicker of mascara. When our make-up session was done... and her skin was just evened out with a few brushes of mineral powder... we decided that she still looked like Laura.
Definitely pretty... a beauty inside and out.
Laura... only dressier.