November 24, 2015

the state of this heart...

I have spent some time reflecting on my writing... or the absence of it. The words dance through my heart, ready to speak, and when I sit down, they seem to evaporate. Or I simply procrastinate them away. I feel busy, but I'm not. All of the words you have praised over the years have come easily... flowed right out of my heart in a rush of love. My heart isn't lacking love these days, but perhaps just the flow-y.  Maybe the opposite of flow-y is limbo, and limbo is one of those phases of life I am not-so-good at.

When I think about this year, there has been a lot of limbo... and not too much ordinary. The year has been wonderful, full of celebrations and joy... but the transitions from one event to another have felt pretty limbo-y... waiting with too much time, or not quite enough. We threw two Eagle Scout parties, all the while pressing Cam to work on scholarship applications. And then, of course, there was the college decision hanging over all our heads... talking it out when he wanted to, holding my own hopes back while he figured it out, all the while wondering how we would actually pay for it. The decision was ultimately his, but oh what a toll it took on our day to day lives while we waited. The graduation festivities carried on through the whole of May, all the while I was making trips to the doctor getting antibiotic & steroid shots to hold off the pneumonia.

Summer was too short, and too long... we all struggled with the balance of getting ready for Iowa, and fitting in all the fun and making all the memories of these last couple of months before life changed. I miscalculated and lost a week in August, and then was thrilled to find it again... although even that "extra" week moved too quickly. I was so thankful when we pulled out of the driveway... we had everything, or we didn't, and there was only time to enjoy and let the plan fall into place.

Leaving Iowa wasn't as tough as I thought it would be, and I felt like the end of our to-do list was in sight. Two more items... Disney's Night of Joy, and then my October 1st surgery. I never expected that I would fall apart over a plate of Mickey waffles, but there we were, at the Animal Kingdom Lodge... and I missed Camden so much I could barely breathe. As for my surgery... well, that was more than I had bargained for. Three days more, with a recovery that had me on the verge of tears more than once.

These months have been a checklist of wonderful milestones... and once we shouted off "check!" the next item on the list was always looming before us, pressing my heart to prepare, with little time for rest.

So here I am, with Thanksgiving only two days away. Thankfully, it will be a quiet one, and after a beautiful weekend of celebrations, I am ready for the quiet, and the rest that a few days off will bring. I am aching for the ordinary. We dream of wild and wonderful... but what our hearts truly need is a good dose of ordinary. It is where we gain strength for the unexpected and the celebrating. Our day to day ordinary life is a beautiful gift to be embraced... so that when the exotic and the exciting knocks at our door, we will be well rested and ready to dance.
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1 comment:

Busy Bee Suz said...

I'm so hoping you had plenty of ordinary in your future; knowing full well that ordinary is a GOOD Thing...still joyful.
So, you lost a week in August, but found it later? Still in August or did it show up in November?
Love you.
XO