sunday splash...

I see skies of blue and clouds of white. 

Bright blessed days and dark sacred night. 

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

-Louis Armstrong

thinking of ann today....

heaven sent...

It has been just over two years since she was healed in the arms of Jesus... and truly, she is still part of my every day. A photo I pass, her smile making me smile right back.  Her handwriting on a card or envelope that has shuffled its way to the top of the mess on my desk. A beautiful thought that passes through my heart.  

God changed me through knowing her... and I can't help but be thankful. Even in my loss. And every time I remember her, it is a gift straight from Heaven. 

I've seen and met angels wearing the disguise of ordinary people leading ordinary lives.

-Tracy Chapman

surely the presence...

Last Thursday we crossed the finish line of a marathon week.  Extra band practices. A parade. Work. Weary. Laura on her way home by bus. And a band concert.  I was thankful that my parents agreed to get Laura, especially when we found out the bus was late.  When I finally put my feet up after the concert, I took a breath, thankful for the weekend, and only four more work days until Christmas vacation.  And then I noticed a beautiful box under the undecorated Christmas tree. Cam reported that it had just been outside when he got home... and that it was twelve days of Christmas, for us.

The past few years I have been quietly delivering advent gifts to friends.  The very first year I was so touched by the reaction of my friend... she said it carried her through the season.  The next year I tied up little packages for Ann, because... well, I think I knew.  And last year, I tried to surprise Suz, but she knew the gifts were from me almost before they were dropped off.  Though I've been stashing little gifts all year for this December, God laid something different on my heart.  As a family, we chose two other families to surprise... one who especially needs the love and care this year.  It has been a joy to do this together, so much fun to see the excitement on my own kids faces as they leap back in the car so we can make a quick get-a-way!

Once I opened the beautiful box under the tree, I had to correct Cam.  It was for me.  And isn't it just like my sweet friend to out-do me at my own game!!!  Everything is tied up in beautiful ribbon, and her cards make me laugh out loud... just as if we were sitting across the table from each other.  Today I even spotted a bonus in the bottom of the box... and that she labeled it such?  More laughter...

I know Christmas is not really about the presents... but when they are given in love, sweetly and unselfishly, the presence of God draws near.  It wraps around our hearts, stirs our spirit, and prompts us to keep on giving.

Today when we dropped off one of our secret gifts, to this family that is aching like I cannot fathom, there was a gift waiting for us.  The card simply said you have touched our hearts.  I am thanking God for the gentle nudge to follow through... to share just a little bit of Him in this season of Love.

tears for two...

Some days they can collide.  Sorrow and joy. 
I was thankful I had tucked this into my pocket... because my heart was churning and I could feel the tears coming...

Those tears of sorrow caught me during church, where I am stripped raw of me and all that remains is the thinnest skin... so open to God and what He has to teach.  Cam leaned over and smiled about one of his favorite songs... Shine, Jesus Shine.  And that was what did me in.  One year away from this earth, and I am so missing her.  I see her face in photos and smile, and oh I know she is home... but some days I wish for her perspective and grace and light... and the way that she could shine Jesus into this messy life.  My voice was caught up in silent sobs, but I followed along, letting Jesus shine through my smile as I caught those tears in the hankie I carried then...

: :

With a flurry of planning and whispers of excitement, we caught her totally off guard.  Only home from her Macie Kate travels two days, we surprised her with a Grandma shower.  I don't even recall if we yelled surprise when she opened the door and her mouth fell into an "O."  I was so filled with joy at her arrival.  The tears slid down my face as she made her way around the room, hugging the women who had helped hold her up, prayed with her and for her... and for her family.  Oh there was joy in that room!  For hours we laughed and listened to stories... and enjoyed our grown-up tea party.  And later, when she called me to say thank you, a tear or two more slipped on by that embroidered hankie as we relived the day...

 His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.

-Psalm 30:5

she lives in my everyday...

Last night she was in my dream. I think she was dancing.  I just remember seeing her, and turning and telling Christine I see her!  There's Ann!  It was a gift. 

At home I expect to see her... I have notes from her tucked on my desk, in my bookshelf.  When I see her beautiful handwriting or my eyes pass over our photo perched on the piano, I smile, and thank God for our friendship, her love.  It has been a year since her words popped up in a text message, since I saw her face smiling or felt her arms around me.  But these pieces keep her close... and they remind me of how much she taught me along her path Home. 

While we were away this summer, at the youth gathering, God caught me off-guard.  Twice.  He showed me a glimpse of her face, of her heart.  Both times my eyes flooded with tears that shook my soul... thankful and sad and filled with joy.  {I think only God can mix this recipe!}  The first came with laughter... smack dab in the middle of the Skit Guys performance.  Eddie was portraying a high school student, and Tommy, his mother.  He started in finger wagging and say Now Skippy, Oh Skippy, you listen to me Skippy...  Oh he sounded just like Ann!  She was always, always gracious and kind, but everyone has their someone who gets under their skin!   The second time God showed Ann to me, Bob Lenz was talking about his Mom and her battle with cancer.  I was already thinking about my sweet friend, when he got to part of the story just after his Mom passed.  After she took her last breath, Bob's father raised his arms over his head and cheered... because cancer didn't win.  And oh I have to believe that with my whole heart... that God beats cancer every time He scoops our loved ones into heaven and heals them in His arms. 

But it broke me.  There I sat, my youth in front of me, my husband to my right... and my heart broke open and the tears cried ugly.  My body shook, and all I could do was cover my face and let it happen.  And still, I praise His name, and thank Him for breaking open heaven and letting me see the face and heart of my sweet Ann...

and I think to myself, it's a wonderful world...

five minute friday...remember...

One year can fly... and still, be so near to my heart. I sent her a text filled with birthday wishes before the sun rose in the sky... and she replied quickly I am so thankful to be celebrating this day.  Many texts flew that day between us two... but that first one was most telling. And the one that made me full.

We celebrated ringside... at the hog show. There was no place else to be but the county fair, her favorite. Hugs and sweet gifts, and watching her son walk 'round the ring. I snapped photos but wondered if it was possible to capture all of that joy...

Today, before sunrise, I sent birthday prayers and wishes towards heaven.  Our friendship played before my eyes... too short, and yet... so much. Love. Grace. Laughter... and cheesecake.

Oh my dear, how I love you... and miss you...

departing from friday letters today... because the five minute prompt was made for my heart today...

beauty in a tribute

I prayed and prayed that He would not only give me the words, but that He would also hold me up. There were so many people praying for me, and I am so thankful for every prayer. By the grace of God, I made it through. I stood up in the church and read my tribute to my beautiful friend.  Though my voice was unsteady at the finish, not one tear fell...

I met Ann on the school bus… chaperoning with the marching band.  We were both new parents, and as it turns out, there are not so many differences between a freshman and a freshman parent. I know the parent is supposed to be the example, big and brave, having banished all insecurities, but some things never change… and so a school bus ride is always better when you have a buddy to ride with. She became that buddy… and through the years, I was so honored to call her friend.

We tried to set aside one Friday a lunch out. Those lunches always brought us to the Cheesecake Factory, and more often than not, the same booth, and the same waitress. Christine, Ann & I would share hours of laughter and conversation over lunch, and of course, cheesecake.  It was after one of those first Friday lunches that we ventured into the mall and stopped at the Lancome counter for mascara. The make-up girl was friendly and kind, and she had a couple of piercings that seemed out of place in Dillards. I was wandering the counter when I heard Ann ask “Did your piercings hurt?” I felt my eyes grow wide as I listened, but my shock quickly turned to amazement as the conversation continued. The  girl assured Ann that “No, it hadn’t hurt too much,” and Ann then asked her if she had her tongue pierced too? This time it was this girl’s eyes that widened and she said “No ma’am. My mama would kill me for that!” I would never have acknowledged the gap between pierced and unpierced, but in her caring way, Ann recognized that this young girl longed to be noticed.  The conversation may have lasted under five minutes, but it has stayed with me… the way she showed love to a stranger. I imagine that this young lady walked a little taller after we left… that she, having been seen, might in turn, pass the love along.  Or at the very least, have a conversation to share across the table that night with her Mama.

In the spring of 2011, Ann shared that her greatest wish and prayer was to see Michael graduate. I added her prayer to my heart’s most desperate desire, which was for her healing on earth. A full year went by, with lunches and hundreds of texts that flew back and forth, all in the effort to somehow fit a lifetime of friendship into too little time. The weeks that stretched to June and graduation were filled with joyful blessings: The news that David & Claudia would be here, a working lunch, with cheesecake, to create corsages for three beautiful girls, school concerts and senior celebrations. Her eyes filled when she shared how thankful she was to be here to see it all. The Friday morning of graduation, I woke up and knew.  I knew that I would be witness to His glorious YES, the answer to our heartfelt prayer.  I was humbled and full of joy.  That night she was far across the gym, but I could see her, and I knew she was beaming. The weekend celebrations were woven with so much joy, and those few days will remain some of my most beautiful memories.

It was the end of June when I saw weary peek out from behind her beauty and grace, but she continued to embrace all that was within her reach. Through it all, she taught me life.  That maybe cancer really is about God. That somehow He can use the awful and the ugly to show His glory through someone as beautiful and grace-filled as Ann.  Never have I seen Jesus more vibrantly than through her. 

I believe it is true that only God can truly change a person, but my dear full of grace friend, God has changed me through you. This world is less without you, but heaven promises to be so much more.

 

the beautiful words, part 1

Words had already been poured over my heart when he asked, so I said yes. What an honor, to share my heart, the heart that was loved and nurtured by her friendship. I figure that if God will provide the words, He would also hold me up.

Ann's service is Thursday, and I've been waiting... for the rest of the words.
I did not press, because the time is not yet too short... but the clock is ticking.

My eyes sprung open in the wee hours of the morning, long before even the darkest hour. And with the open eyes came a river of words. The words. The ones that I have prayed for. So what do you do, but crawl from beneath the covers and write...
: :
Could I ask you to pray for me?
Because while I have faith that He will hold me up, He might also need to carry me...
xoxo

a messy, beautiful appointment

Long ago, close to the beginning of my faith journey, I was inspired by a speaker at a conference. She spoke about her appointment with the King. Written down. Same time, same place. An appointment to keep. I took it to heart... and yet, I have missed many appointment these past two weeks. But at last, after a Friday night sobbing in my mother's arms, I knew it was time. Yesterday was busy with little things of my own design, but I set a deadline for myself, after the promise of soon. Five o'clock.

The clock ticked on, and as the minute hand stretched to the top, my heart began to race. To Him. I arrived early to my appointment, and He was already there, waiting on me. I took pen and paper and began to write, lest I lose focus. Or courage.

I turned it all over.
Every burden, every tear, every bit of me that holds my heart in place. As always, He took that heart in His mighty hand, held me close, and reminded me that in this valley, He is carrying me.

Cast all of your burdens to the Lord. He will sustain you.  Psalm 55:22

This morning we set out for church... and it felt good, to know that all was right between us. Camden leafed through the bulletin and showed me that my favorite song {As the Deer}was listed... and I told him that I was sure I would cry, but that it was okay. He leaned into me, standing in his Daddy's place while Eric is out saving the world. What I didn't know, was that the tears that began with the refrain would flood my heart and soul during the entire hour {or so.}  But that is what happens to my raw edges after the armor has been lifted, when my whole heart and soul is exposed so that God can reach in and make it His.  My body shook as I held my hands, cupped, to receive communion...

I will be okay.
I know that He would not lead me down a path that doesn't end in okay... and that He will hold me as I walk and cry and grow. I cling to His promise, just as I cling to knowing that Ann is fully healed.

Be prepared to suffer for Me, in My name...
When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything...
Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness.-Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

beauty is... brave

Friday lunches were our "thing." It was not unusual for Ann, Christine & I to spend four hours in a booth at the Cheesecake Factory... sharing conversation & laughter.  Typically we were seated in the same booth, and more than likely,  it was "Missy" who came around the corner announcing that she was our server.  I think she was always as exasperated to see us as we were to see her... I don't know why, but we just didn't click.

Last week Christine and I shared a million texts... holding each other up from afar and sharing sweet memories. You know we have to go on our next Friday off, right?  Her reply took me by surprise, and we made plans right away. I was holding my heart steady while I waited for Friday, and told myself that it was better to go now instead of waiting and letting the trepidation build.

There was a parking space right up front, and we bravely stepped into the restaurant.  Okay, we've made it this far. Breathe. We were led to "our" booth, slid across the seat, and waited for Missy. But it was Kim who arrived to rattle off the specials. It was not-so hard to sit and enjoy our conversation... and thankfullness flooded in. When it came time for our blessing, the tears threatened, but did not roll. Yes, I may, one day, have another day without tears.

So many things made us giggle and remember... it was as if Ann asked God to orchestrate this just for us. Maybe so. And just in case, thank you.

The brownie sundae cheescake was the special dessert of the day. Of course it was... because it is the very favorite of our three. So we took two pieces, and raised our forks in a toast to our dear, dear, friend.

Sometimes courage escapes us... but when we step out brave, the rewards are beautiful.

beauty in the valley...

A thousand tears have fallen today... maybe more.
Memories flood along with them, and a soft smile sneaks in. 
And just as I think that beauty might not be found today, it is.

In sunshine and rain...

I nod to thank Him for a sliver of peace in the valley... but I am not quite ready to have a conversation of words. For now I ask that He just hold on to me... in the quiet.

less and more and grace...

Saturday morning, my beautiful, full of grace friend was fully healed...in the arms of Jesus.

Only hours have passed, and already the world seems... less.
Less her smile, less her laughter... less her grace and beauty and love. 
Her laughter and joy could overflow a room, my heart, and a thousand more... and she had a way about her, that she could somehow unwrinkle the ways of life with her whispered grace. 

Even in the less, my life is more.  I am more.

My greatest, ceaseless prayer was that she would be healed on this earth.  I whispered it across the canyon and sang it through a sunrise. I pleaded and begged... and witnessed a miracle, and counted blessing upon blessing for the time she did have. But still, tears stream down my face in rivers, seemingly hollowing out the place where grace used to live. I know it is temporary, this gap, and that grace is not really gone, but the ache in my heart is so wide. Only because it is His, do I not question that the plan was perfect.

Fingers caress memories, and my eyes follow the loops of her words. I sob, and laugh and remember... and know that heaven is now more. Heartbreak and joy mark time, and take turns, like the ebb and flow of the ocean... until someday, we meet again.

thinking about eternity...

It wasn't too many Sundays ago, that our conversation turned to eternity while we driving to church. Oh how to explain that this life on earth is but a blink of an eye compared to the life that is to come... but I tried, and they somehow had a grasp on it already. I am always amazed by where they are in their faith... and how I feel like I am still catching up to them.  But their tool boxes are deep... filled with bible stories, lessons and the constant stream of Christian radio. In that, we find common ground and conversation, as a sermon touches on or brings into focus a verse of the "Jesus music" that is woven through our everyday. This Sunday the sermon was on Esther, and how could I help but picture her tall and willowy and... green. Yes, sometimes those stories are the most vivid in Veggie Tale splendor... even still.

Eternity has been on my heart...

*A friend shared how she felt so blessed that she reached out to someone this side of eternity.

*A lovely lady from our church, who just had a heart attack, is a miracle standing. The doctors told her she died three times... and she spoke of a white door, and that Jesus would certainly be there to greet us. If I didn't know her, I would be leery... but thinking about it just the same. Especially since she felt so comfortable to share it with her arm around another friend who just lost his wife. My insides wrestle with it... and I wonder if it could have possibly brought him a bit of comfort?

*And then there are my prayers for healing... the ones that I feel are desperate in the face of hospice. And how I dare to ask for more time with her, when I know what lies on the other side is glorious and pain free.

And so Jimmy Buffet's tune {from Hoot} Wondering Where the Lions Are runs through my head a dozen times a day... Sun's up, uh huh, looks okay. The world survives into another day. And I'm thinking about eternity...

five minute friday: dance

The weary peeks out from behind beauty and grace, and she can't help but let a few tears fall. This horrific disease is making time... and just trying to stay in place is taking its toll. I take her hands and I pray... or at least ask God to read my mind, please, because my own words are jumbled.

Coming around to another topic we laugh and breathe... and I can see that her step is back. To see her in motion is to see the grace of a ballerina....her arms reach far and wide and embrace all that is before her. But what a friend knows, is that on the inside, her feet are tapping away, trying to keep one step ahead. Through it all she teaches me life. That to skip this dance, to not leap with wild abandon, is hardly life at all. Because when all is said and done, the place we land is Jesus.

*and to take just a minute longer than my "5", if you feel moved to do so... and can unjumble a few thoughts into actual words, could i ask you to please pray for ann's healing? *

the answer

Dear God,
I could see her across the gym... and while I couldn't quite make out her smile at a distance, I could feel her beaming. This day of celebration, accomplishment and joy has hung in the balance... and there were days I wondered if we would all be here to see it together.  It wasn't a lack of faith, but a submission to your plan, whatever it might be. And you know, that any doubt I had, I buried with more prayer.

Last spring she shared her greatest wish and prayer... to see her son graduate. And we've been adding her prayer to ours ever since. Friday morning I woke up and knew.  I knew that I would be witness to Your glorious answer to our heartfelt, desperate prayer.  Thank you. With all of my heart, thank you.  It is humbling, I am awestruck and I am full of joy.  

ann, christine & me

And thank you, also, for a safe and beautiful graduation weekend. 
Your touches were all over it... in the sunshine, in the joy, in the laughter, in the precious moments shared with Laura.

Much love, and Amen.

a reluctant gift

I pin it over my heart and think of my beautiful friend... and I whisper the ceaseless prayer.   Healing, Lord... on earth.  Please.  If I spoke it one hundred times a day, I wouldn't feel like I did enough, and yet... for Him, it is.  The teal rhinestones sparkle and I think to count them as a gift... and then I pull it back.  I don't want to be thankful for this ribbon, I want to damn it to hell.   I don't want to be aware of the cancer and the sickness, I want to stomp it into the ground.  I want there to be no reason for this ribbon.  I just want healing.  And in the mess of my thoughts, I know the truth.  God can take the biggest messes and create something beautiful from them.  And in this mess, He makes good on the promise.  He shows me the grace in her eyes and in her heart.  He shows me her gratitude for the right now.  He teaches me that even this can have a purpose... so that He may be glorified. 

I still want that healing on earth.  I want it with all my heart.  And I know deep down, whether I bury my head in the sand or become aware, the sickness lives and wonderful people visit the poison palace for hope and healing.  So I wear the sparkling teal with honor... and hope that one day there will be a miraculous cure.  And I decided, reluctantly, that it is indeed, a gift.