October 12, 2012

when the truth is not beautiful...

The canals race alongside the road, as full as they’ve been in two years. It just keeps raining, day after day. It is good for this world, but it keeps me hiding. Inside. Dry. Safe.
How can the world be so wet, and I so dry?
Days have gone by, and I’ve stayed away… not quite on purpose. But maybe.  I fill the space with anything but Him, and there might as well be a sand dune between us.  But even though I know better than to think He can’t see me, I can’t seem to take that first step to Him. Not out of anger, but out of… nothingness. A valley in my heart. The holding steady of that heart.  Even as I know that this nothingness is no place to dwell,  the valley is too painful and the mountain too high. So I scoop out a place somewhere in the middle, where the high grasses grow,  and hope that if I stay here, no one can find me. Maybe not even me. My eyes are heavy with tears yet to cry… and the ones that fall without my permission are quickly wiped away by my own hand, lest He try to catch them mid-roll.
But the truth is, I’m thirsty.
He could whisper away that dune with one breath… and He probably already has.
All I have to do is open His Word, or still my soul… and I would be drenched with grace. 
 I think I am afraid. Afraid that if the tears begin again I might not be able to slow them?
That to feel His love around me means I have to feel… everything?

But He is the God of the Universe, Giver of Grace, My One and Only Savior... and so, I let go, for a breath, and seek Him. Ask Him for safety at a traffic stop. Ask Him for a doctor's knowing hand and a red-headed boy's health. And the tears fall... in buckets. I still the flow with a promise that I am coming, on my knees in prayer, soon...
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
-Casting Crowns, Praise You in This Storm



Unknown said...

You're not alone. I've struggled in this season to even find hope.

Gabe said...

Oh friend....that line about feeling everything....the truth that holds us back...hope your nephew is doing well

Southern Gal said...

Oh, Dawn, I'm in that scooped out place,too. And I find myself wondering what I'm doing here. To say I'm thirsty would not be accurate right now. More like dehydrated. He holds that refreshing cup of water. All I have to do is drink. I'll pray for you.

Leah Perkins said...

You are so not alone, I am too afraid to let him take over sometimes, a lot of the time, do I deserve to feel everything? It would be such a release, one I deserve.

Leah Perkins said...
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Leah Perkins said...
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