perspective

Yesterday I was zoo-bound and listening to the radio on the way. I may have said it before but, my car is my chapel. Not my only chapel, but a good amount of worship happens in my car when I am driving alone. I mostly switch around between my three favorite stations, so I can stay in worship mode and not hear the ads and chatter, but once in a while, the conversation pulls me in. Yesterday... they were talking about giving the new year (and the old) some kind of perspective and offered this fill in the blank sentence: 2020 was _____ so in 2021 I'm ____. It made me think about how I would fill in those blanks.

2020 was productive, and in 2021 I want to keep up that momentum.

2020 was still, and in 2021 I want to be intentional of how I spend my time and not be in rush mode for no reason.

I'm looking forward, even though I'm documenting some of last year {for posterity}, but in reflection, I hope to bring along some of those lessons, some of those gifts. How would you fill in the blanks?

getting out...

 And into the forest I go,

to lose my mind and find my soul.

-John Muir

All of this staying home has been a growing experience. I have to say, I haven't minded it a much at all. Between conference calls and texting, I even feel like I have been in constant communication with my people. Our Zoo Crew texts up a storm, and the laughter brings us together when we have to stay away. This morning one coworker sent an email with his list of good mornings as if he were walking into the office and greeting each of us.

While working from home I have fit small projects {and naps} into my lunch hour... and tried to be productive during my commute time. It is as if I have won back two hours of my day, and I don't want to waste them or take those extra minutes for granted. I could get used to this...

And when afternoon comes, I escape the walls for the trails...

The sun warms me while the air refreshes my soul. And walking along, the sights entice me to look closer, pay attention, fall in love with God's creations over and over again.

this season...

Perhaps more than ever before, I feel myself beginning to bloom. I feel good in my skin, and am proud of the accomplishments I am making. Am I where I want to be? I'm getting there. It may not be as quickly as I want it to be, but I remind myself that the lessons don't come easy, and the longer I press the habits into my mind, the better chance I have at sticking by them. I have miles to go, but feel confident in my ability to continue the journey and make it my own.

And so the blooming? It is a joy that exudes and convinces me to start a conversation without fear, or dance in a crowd without caring if someone is watching. It is loud laughter and a funny comment, or sharing a bit of life-lived advice, offering my heart. It is stepping out of my shadow, and feeling like I belong.

This is the season she will make beautiful things.
Not perfect things,but honest things
that speak to who she is and who she is called to be.

-Morgan Harper Nichols

the buntings came back!

I was thrilled to spot three painted buntings at the bird feeder at the feeder this year! It is truly a joy to see them, and when they are perched having their afternoon snack, I can hardly turn away. I wasn't holding out hope for their return this winter, because half of their favorite tree came down in the hurricane.
: :
The hurricane... in many ways, we are still recovering from it, even nine months later. Thankfully, our home held strong and the two large trees in the yard are still standing. One of them split and fell away from the house, and while I fully prepared my heart for the other one to have crashed though the front of the house, I believe the criss-cross of roots held it back. Later this month our roof will be replaced - a few shingles flew in the wind (140 mph), and enough was damaged to warrant a new one - but no leaks!

We were at Disney during the storm, watched it play out on TV, and started home as soon as it was safe. Our community was without phone service, and we couldn't get in touch with Eric's parents (they live a mile away), so we had no idea what to expect. Pulling off the highway was a shock to the system. It was almost unrecognizable... trees down, just chewed up by the wind. I had already prepared Eric for the tears that would come when we got home - either way. But the tears that fell were of thankfulness. 

As soon as we knew our family was safe, Eric went to work. Overnights, in hurricane shelters and patrolling gas stations. It was five days without power, so we put our camping equipment and skills to work, trying to stay cool with battery-operated fans, using the battery-operated lights and candles, and setting up the camp kitchen on the lanai. We were asked to stay home, out of the way of first responders... but a couple of times a day I ventured up the road just far enough to get cell service. You knew you were getting close when cars were pulled onto the shoulder and your notifications started pinging! It was a chance to be in touch with the world, but not the people you were worried about most... unless they happened to have found a smidgen of service at the same time. It was a week before I talked to my parents again or was able to communicate with my sister.

In the aftermath of any storm come the stories we need to hear... neighbor helping neighbor, communities raising money for the families and areas that were hit hardest, volunteers pitching in to clean up the mess. My parents worked tirelessly at the zoo, helping it to open six weeks after the storm. We had a group come by and clean up the tree in the backyard. Our Community Foundation raised over two millions dollars for hurricane relief, and we are still doing good with what remains.

Our city is coming around again.

november thanks...

These past Novembers haven't received many words from me... just six posts each!  I didn't want to let this November pass without at least one though... and in the middle of the dark night, the words began to come. I hope I can remember some of them...
: :
My first thankful Thanksgiving thought this year, as I was gathering up my morning doses,  was I'm thankful for medicines and doctors.  Yes, I am still sick... on the mend, but still not well {but let's save the details for another day!}  And my second, as she stumbled out to the living room bundled in a blanket, was that all of a sudden we were back to four.  It is good to be whole again, if just for a few days!  Even though our four weren't around one table for a meal on this day of thanks, the day was beautiful and special and full.

Eric headed out the door for work before first light, and three gathered on the couch for the Macy's parade. There were congo squares in the oven, high flying balloons and the Rockettes on the television...my favorite way to celebrate Thanksgiving morning!  I missed more of the parade than usual, but enjoyed a little more time in the kitchen with Eric as he stopped by to prepare some side dishes for the shift lunch at the substation.  Sweet potatoes and stuffing... and a special cup of gluten-free gravy just-for-him!  {Someone else made the turkey!} As we headed out to my Mom's for dinner, I took one last glimpse at the kitchen, piled high with mess, I hoped it would be a slow day for the police and that I might come home to clean...

The Ice Cream Man carved the turkey, but the day was less about the food and more about being together... and it was perfect.  The afternoon and evening were full of laughter and the people I love {and knowing Eric was having two dinners made him not being there okay!}  Games were played around the table, children squealed as they ran though and around the house, mothers and daughters spent time, and we celebrated a little birthday.  Seven.  Sweet seven!  Ice cream sundaes instead of pie.  Congo squares instead of brownies. And since we passed on veggies with the meal, it seemed we had plenty of room for dessert...

Though there was not conscious list, my heart was full of thanks... the kind of full that simply cannot decipher one moment from the next, the kind of full that just is.  For the day, the people, the love. And after two months of feeling crummy, it was just what this soul needed.

I hope your day was a lovely celebration of  love and thanks!

a monday morning list of grace...

Stepping into the cool morning air, I catch the scent that fills me. Orange blossoms. No longer out in the early morning to  make the drive to school, I thought I had missed them this year.  But an early Saturday morning brought me the gift that envelops my soul.   As I walk, the morning plays out before me, showering me with gifts.  The sliver of the moon that rises up in the darkness.  The black sky giving way to the soft pastels that will welcome to sun.  And the symphony of birds that echo from all directions.  I spot the one who is surely the conductor... in the spotlight of a street light.  It makes me smile... and it is a lovely way to begin the day.

It seems to have been too long since I jotted a list of gifts...
-laughter over cheesecake... and no tears
-celebrating a seventieth birthday {two, actually!}
-hosanna! and a palm for camden!
-cutting a week off of my healing time... and being healed!
-suz, who always wants to help {and even better if it includes chipotle!}
-shopping for zoo school
-Christmas money still tucked away
-lively parties at our bird feeder
-the orange moon hanging low on our morning ride
-chimichangas. and saying "chimichanga"
-spray painting with my girl
-excitement overcoming nerves {for now}
-all of us in a row
-laughter shared by four
-knowing just where you can get a lovely hug on a sunday morning
-carefully re-printing recipes by hand
-celebrating five years of blogging...and the gifts it has brought my way
          -friendships, true blue
          -freedom in myself
          -allowing myself to be known in a new way
          -words... and that they somehow keep coming {thank you, God}
          -the words of others
          -the chance to explore my faith a little more
          -learning things i never knew i never knew... about myself, others + the world
          -and that knowing someone by heart is truly beautiful

 

and click here for a "remember when" post!

he keeps on shining

For hours afterwards my insides were revved up and my heart flip-flopped back and forth between disbelief and utter joy.  After a length of silence between us I would burst out again with other tidbit of excitement or share a random wonderful thought that had suddenly made its way into my stream of consciousness... and for the first twelve times, he smiled brightly.  I could tell then... that enough was enough.  At least for him.  But I could have gone on another thirty times.  Oh how thankful I was that when we picked up Eric and Laura from the airport I could start the gushing all over again...

:  :

I had hoped it would be a special night for Cam... I knew he would get an award for his grade point average, and because he was honored with a science award last year, I hoped for at least one more award.  But deep down, like only a mother can... I wanted more for him.  I kept thinking that he deserves one of those really cool awards that encompasses his grades and the nice, hard-working young man he is.  Yes, I know I am biased, as every mom is... but Cam has just blown me away this year with his straight A's and his work ethic.  And more than anything, I have been so pleased that he has been able to see the successes.  For so many years he worked and worked and worked... and I wondered when the frustration would set in, wondered if one day he would just say the heck with all this school work and give up.  We fought for him, we prayed for him... and victory finally came in the form of test results and an IEP.  No one wants their child to need the extra help at school... but when you know your child needs the help and your concerns are brushed aside for years, validation is victory and the extra help is a blessing.

When his name was called for a Science Pride award, I cheered.  And then when he made his way to the stage for a Five Star Math award I mentally checked off the list in my mind- special night?  Check.  With the award for his grades that will make three... and three awards?  Amazing.  I was whispering to my friend when they described the next award and so when they called his name again, I had no idea what he was receiving... but there he was striding across the stage, shaking hands with the teachers.  By the time he had received two awards for his grade point average I was beaming and my heart was fully content.  Five awards rested under his seat and I was thrilled for him.  It has been a banner year, a truly wonderful middle school experience, and to cap it off with a night like this was truly more than I had hoped for. 

But God wasn't quite finished showing off. 

It was the very last award of the night... the Principal's Award.  One girl and one boy are chosen from among teacher nominations for this highest honor.  I was really only half listening, so excited about an award my friend's daughter has just received... but then I heard his name, and I saw him pop out of his seat and return to the stage again.  And all at once I was laughing and crying and cheering... fumbling with my camera, which was all but put away in my purse, and just beaming. 

Making our way out of the auditorium, in a crush of congratulations, my heart and mind were spinning.  We caught two teachers for quick photos and big thank yous... and many friends and parents we have known along the way stopped to shake Cam's hand.  It might as well be the Pulitzer Prize there under his arm.  Oh yes, my heart feels that big...

Never doubt the power of God, who can do all things.  All things.  He places loving teachers in the path, and issues challenges that seem impossible... but then He instills the tools to overcome.  He creates a desire for learning and an excitement that is contagious, so that the stumbling blocks only trip you up instead of making you want to give up.   And in the love that grows in a mother's heart, God adds a fierceness that He knows will be used to fight the good fight...

and He tosses in a sense of humor so that  when she realizes that he wore white socks with his black dress pants and shoes there will be only gales of laughter. 

unsung heroes

She dresses carefully, indulges in one last spritz of perfume, and looks into the mirror with a critic's eye. 
Will he still think I am pretty? 
Will he still love me?
The answers come in the crush... his arms wrapped around her, after being away so long... tear-stained faces held in the others hands while eyes meet... home at last.  He pulls her close again, and spins her around... she, the unsung hero.

She, who put on a smile and waved goodbye, so many months ago... then wrapped her own arms around their children, making promises she doesn't have the power to keep.   She gives them everything she has... encouragement, energy, love... to fill the void until he comes home, and so often has nothing left for herself.

She is the one that holds a well of tears just behind her smile, that refuses your offer of taking the kids for a few hours... because to be alone is to have time to let the fears to slip in.  To have them away at school is far too long as it is... their touch, the only thing that is truly comforting.

She, who chooses the comfort of the couch over the lonliness of the bed that stretches into emptiness... that is far too quiet.  Unless she is lying across it weeping tears that make her wonder Can I ever stop?
 
She writes love letters and waits by the mailbox for one in return.  Her breath catches every time the phone rings... hoping that it might be him.  And when it is, she lets the untruths slip from her mouth... We are okay.  Everything is fine. 
 
She sits in the unknowing... waiting with hopes wrapped up in prayers, so proud of what he gives.  And she keeps wiping away tears, keeps trying to muster up a smile and an I'm doing just fine, keeps praying for her soldier... because it is her part.  She does what she does in service to her country... so he can serve his.  To make his job easier, to lift burdens from his heart.   It is the least she can do... and the most.

They are two, serving their country with honor and pride.
The soldier arrives home in glory... she is the unsung hero. 
And she would have it no other way...

full.

The house is full. Tonight when I close my eyes, I will fall asleep knowing... that everyone is right where they are supposed to be. Adventure Boy is home, all in one piece... all tanned up and perhaps an inch taller. From growing? Or from just being on his own, knowing he's got it all together? Maybe both.
My Mom said that my blog has been emotional the past few weeks, and two people I love think it is my mission to make the tears roll. Maybe. But the fact is, my heart is full to overflowing. I think of my kids and all that sumer has already brought them... and I get teary. My mind can't help but race to what summer has left in store for us... and the tears can't seem to keep their hold. I reflect on the love that comes my way, again and again... and those tears never had a chance, eyes too full to keep them back.
Full.
Life, heart... home.
I couldn't ask for more.

two gifts wrapped in one week

Typically, summer means that the kids are off on a little trip with Eric's parents... and Eric & I have a week or two, just for us. This time, Eric & Cam were the ones away... gone to camp, and it is was just us girls.  It was a week I will never forget. A week I always want to remember. While I try not to focus on the time that is slipping through my fingers, the fact that I cannot halt it, or even slow it a bit, never wanders too far from mind. And so this week, during which we played and worked together in harmony, has been a gift. A true and beautiful gift. 
Another gift wrapped up in last week?  Having the privledge of watching my daughter interact with the kids at the horse therapy camp where she is working.  Each day she comes home covered in paint and dust... and totally exhausted, her heart overflowing with joy.  I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice... she is the one receiving the gift, though the time she gives is a gift to the program.  My own heart feels so full... so happy that she gets it.   It may be better to give than to receive... but when it comes to giving your time, your energy and your heart... the gift you give fades from sight and the gift you receive is all that matters. 
One week... two gifts.   Beautiful, beautiful.

Linking up to Emily's Chatting at the Sky on the Tuesday...

to you...

I went back and re-read my own words, and then read yours... the words from your heart to mine... and I felt the need to say thank you. This place of mine, it is honest and true... bits and pieces of me. And if I am honest, how can I share the good without the ugly? And sometimes this heart of mine feels downright ugly. Especially when I know I am saying or doing something, all the while wanting to freeze time and give myself a harsh talking to.  The words came to me, and flowed from my hand... but I did not hit publish without some trepidation and fear... that you would think less of me. And you... you focus on the good in me when I can hardly see it though the darkness. So I will say it again... thank you.

right now

Sometimes... last minute plans are the best plans. Spur of the moment... when you have an hour to kill, and she can carve just about that much from her crazy-going-out-of-town errands. Sometimes it just takes one phone call, at just the right time, to finally meet up with a friend you've been trying to catch for months. And I was thrilled to be able to say yes when she asked Can you meet me for lunch right now?
So there we sat... picking right up where we left off... over breakfast for lunch. And I am reminded how much I love her... how important her friendship is to me. Sometimes friendships are for a season... and sometimes they are forever. The bridges we build over the gaps between seasons... they are sturdy and strong. Forever Friend... you are a most beautiful gift.

I love how friendships can be messy and beautiful all at once... and certainly worthy of unwrapping on a Tuesday.

my (not-so) average kids

The best of the best deserve to be celebrated. And the kids who started at the bottom and work so hard to excel... they deserve to be celebrated, too. But where does that leave the average student? Uncelebrated. And sometimes... it hurts.
So many years ago, I realized that my kids were not the straight A kids... and it was hard, but I had to lower my expectations... just a bit. And as long as they tried as hard as they could and gave the most effort they were capable of, then I celebrated the B's. I didn't love the C's, but I recognize that C is average... and if average is all you got, well then, what can I say?  I'm not saying that I didn't press upon them to give a little more... but sometimes I had to realize that you can earn a C, even if you gave it an A effort.  And always... when the grades were not those fancy A and B letters that I dreamed of, I would glance over to the side of the report card and see that they have earned the highest marks possible for things like respect, effort, and character. 
The school system may deem my kids average, but in this great big world we live in, they are anything but.  Her heart... is not average.  It is big and compassionate and more beautiful than I ever dreamed a heart could be.  She gives of herself and serves our very big God.  The courage she possesses is certainly above average to me.    And his personality... is not average.  It is bright, infectious, humble and kind... and just when you think he's given all he can, he pushes himself just a little bit more, because he loves to learn.   He is the kid... who started out average and worked so hard... to be average.   
I was surprised when we got a letter from the school, inviting us to the awards ceremony.  We figured that he had pushed himself so far that he had earned whatever magic-number-of-a-grade-point-average you needed to get an award.  But we were wrong (I'm sure it is really close though!)  Camden received... the 5 Star Science award for 7th grade.  I don't know what it all means... I wasn't totally listening, it caught me by surprise, but it had to do with his science grades and his character (I think) and four were awarded at his grade level.  Yay for my (not-so) average kid! 

These two... they inspire me.  They encourage me to find out stuff I never cared to know about.  They show me that the nice guy can prevail, and they remind me that success is not about being above average... it is about being happy right where you are. 

this girl & her mom

It has been years since I have had my Mom all to myself. Perhaps 35 years? But this past weekend... we headed off to celebrate Laura (and her team!) with the World. I brought a book along for the down time... two 3 hour flights and any free time we had at the hotel... and only read 15 pages. Who needs a story when you can make your own? My Mom & I... we talked and talked and walked... and laughed and played and visited. We dined on veggie subs at Subway... and hiked across campus for ice cream from MSU's Dairy Store. I annoyed the rented GPS so often that we were waiting for her to retaliate. She jumped on the bed when the alarm on her phone rang out two months 'til Africa. I was by her side when we met up with David at the Zoo... and she was by mine when we pulled up to the sweetest house on the cul de sac to meet my bloggy friend. And perhaps both visits gave her the extra bit of courage to share her potato chips with a sweet girl from Hong Kong.


I loved sharing this weekend with my Mom... and being Laura's cheering section. Gratitude buzzes in my heart for all she is and all she gives.

gifts on the doorstep of my heart

It has been just two years... since I dove, heart first, into blogging. I barely knew what a blog was... but I pushed the "create" button anyway. And I just kept on going. A leap of faith? Or perhaps just a blind leap into the unknown, since I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. What I did know, was that I had words and stories and thoughts and emotions all bottled up in my head, and the jumble of it was worthless. And so I began. Day after day... the words poured out and my fingers typed away, recording the past and the present, along with the everyday ordinary. Every so often I wonder of I am out of words... but so far, God keeps on providing. Just today... I had that what if I hadn't done this kind of thought. Because this little blog... has brought such gifts my way. Beautiful gifts. Gifts I might have missed out on.

• I see the little bits of life that make up a day, instead of viewing it as one big blur. Better yet, I find myself seeking them. And I think... it makes a better life for me and for my family.
  
  
• The girl I was, and have always been, kept her stuff inside... the good the bad and especially the ugly. By letting some of it out through my words, I have let others see the real me. My Mom says she knows me more than she ever has. And I think I know myself better than ever before...


• Friendships have always been a priority for me... and I cherish them. I certainly never dreamed that I would make such wonderful friends through blogging... but I have. Each, a gift. Someday I hope to meet them face to face instead of just knowing them heart to heart.


• My faith has grown. By sorting out my own thoughts, and reading the thoughts and prayers of others. It has added one more facet to learning about the wonderful God & Savior we share.


• Two years... is quite a commitment. I don't like to be a quitter, but I certainly am not great at completing everything. But maybe... if I can do this... I can learn to finish what I start.


• In writing, I have found a passion... that isn't messy. Unless you count emotions, of course. But there are no scraps of paper to clean up, no pins to pick up off the floor. Just me and my heart, and the keyboard.

I don't know if one day the words will be dried up and gone... or if the gifts that sit on the doorstep of my heart will last forever. But whatever will be, will be. And it will be alright. Because I know to cherish these things right now. And it has taken blogging to teach me that. Cherish... and savor. I'm not sure I fully knew how to do that until now. I do hope that the cherishing and savoring will go on forever... long after the words are gone.

better than sunshine

Thank you for your prayers and happy thoughts. For your virtual hugs and your words of encouragement and love. Each is a gift to my heart and soul... pieces of the something beautiful that has come my way in the seeking. There is nothing over-rated about friendship. Nope. It is even better than the sunshine.

thirty seconds

I have never believed that medicine is the answer for everything. But once my daughter was diagnosed with ADD, I had to take a chance. A wise and wonderful friend explained it this way... when the doctor told you your daughter needed glasses, you got them for her. It seemed to make sense from that perspective... and we gave it a try. And I was thankful... for her words and for the change in Laura. It made the next experience much easier. I could see the same signs in Camden. But Camden... he was not a medicine-taker. He gagged on every liquid variety and wasn't able to swallow pills... but I so wanted him to have the benefits that ADD medication was giving Laura. And so I researched... and found a medication delivered by a patch. And it was just the thing... for this boy who gave his all and could not get ahead. He excels through his ADD, and we are so thankful... for this little clear square of science. Each morning we stick the patch on his hip and he knows... that it will help him get the most out of his effort. He is probably at an age where he could apply it himself... but it has become a ritual for us. He trims the package with the scissors and I peel and stick... for thirty seconds. And for those thirty seconds, we put our arms around each other for a good morning hug. And it is just one more reason to be thankful...

Even in the midst of my mess... there are gifts to unwrap and cherish. Thanks, Emily... for providing a place for my soul to breathe.

thankful...

It has been a week of stories... the kind that just make you thankful for the gifts in your life.
Like a good man.
And kids who are healthy, and don't have to grow up too quickly.
And knowing you have friends who would go to the ends of the earth for you. All the things that are good, and important. Some days we take these things for granted. But not this week... not me.

love wrapped in pretty paper

I do not take my Christmas shopping lightly. I try... to choose the perfect gift for each person on my list. Some years it is a silly gift, and other years it is a bring-you-to-tears gift... but no matter what, I really try to choose with love. But, when it comes to my Mom, I never know which kind of gift I have chosen... until she opens it! After her first trip to Africa, I was almost at a loss at what to get her... not sure that she really needed or wanted one more thing. I finally settled on a Partylite candle holder, with an African theme... and I hoped she would smile and like it. Maybe a lot. Never once did I dream she would break down in a pile of tears over it... or push Baby Jesus right out of the stable and replace Him with the candle holder (that being the only safe spot to have a lit candle amidst flying wrapping paper!) I guess loving Africa will do that to someone! But this year... it was she who made me cry. Over a pan.

I love my pots & pans. Belgique! It is so much fun to say! And even after almost 18 years, they look almost new. Several years ago my Mom came across a great sale... and picked up several pots and pans for herself. Including two sizes that I did not have! After admiring them greatly, I hinted at wanting them... since she had more than one of each! Eventually, she did give me the smaller pot, and it made me smile. But what I really wanted was the 3.5 quart pan. And she had two. Oh you can do so much more with a 3.5 quart than a 2! On many occasions I have tried to sneak one out of her house (most recently Thanksgiving!)... but I am not such a great sneaker... the laughter gives me away every time!

It was the last gift I opened at her house on Christmas Eve... and it may just be a piece of kitchen cookware... but it was given with love. I honestly am still surprised, and overcome that she parted with it... because she probably used it more than I will. But oh, I love it. And I love that she loves me... so much that she would give me something of hers that she loves.

A mother's love for her daughter is the gift I unwrap today... love that came in pretty paper just to make me smile.

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waving goodbye

And so it goes... I'm not quite sure where 2009 went, but here we go... leaping into 2010. Ready or not. This past year has been a good friend... and we have laughed our way through it, even if there were times we certainly could have cried.  

And it always helps... to have the Savior by your side. 

Today, well lived, makes every yesterday a memory of happiness

and every tomorrow a vision of hope. 

Look well, therefore, to this day.

-unknown

p.s.~ word has it that this was the best birthday ever. more on that to come!

p.p.s.~ eric says... VOTE everyday! (see the side bar for the link to eric's ham entry!)