June 21, 2010

in the dark

So often, I speak the words aloud, all the while, wishing them back...
Make sure you...
Did you...
Can't you...
Are you really going to...
Why?
Out they come and though I hear them clearly, and they are mine, I cannot stop them... and then there they are.  Again.  But she is she, and I am me.  Over the years she has learned to deal with my incessant words... directing her to finish this and make sure that, and please... brush your hair.  If it were me on the other end of the words... they would not have to be spoken over and over and over again.  No, because I am a people pleaser.  I don't want anyone to be upset with me and I would never purposefully upset the balance.  Of anything.  But she... she is all her own.  Not out to please only herself selfishly, but to be her own unique person and listen to what her heart tells her is important.  My mother & I joked that God most certainly stepped in to break the chain, since we were incapable of breaking it ourselves.  And perhaps... hair is not so important as I make it out to be.  Sometimes I wonder if my words, attacking consistently yet gently, will keep her heart from mine.  I wonder if I am breaking my own chain... between mother and daughter. 

We sat in the dark, between our other two... with a story playing out before us.  She leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder... and before I knew it, her hand was in mine and our fingers were entwined, inseparable.  We giggled over a part or two... made quiet comments... but mostly, I sat.  With my heart full... of her.  She loves me.  And oh, I love her.  The story progressed and still, we sat together- very uncharacteristic for she who was never the cuddler.
These moments that turn into hours... they are light to my dark heart.  When the love her heart holds spills all over and covers the words I wished back... I learn His Grace all over again.
She is she... and I am me.  And who am I to question His plan?
Photobucket
linking up to Emily's Chatting at the Sky on this beautiful Tuesday...

13 comments:

Loui♥ said...

Dawn..
perfectly stated!
love it!!
made me go all misty!!
you have such a wonderful way with words..speaking what is in all of our hearts..so eloquently!
warm sandy hugs..
Loui♥

Busy Bee Suz said...

Beautiful!!!
Just think of all the things we could do that would be more fun, if we did not worry about our hair. ;0
And never, ever mess with "His plan"

Suz

togetherforgood said...

this is joy. just pure joy. and the prayer of my heart-- that my children will bring me as much joy as they grow older as yours clearly do to you. :)

Laura said...

So lovely...and so wise of you to realize you are you and she is she.

This mom of four sons can't help by envy the mom-daughter scenario just a bit.

The best part is -- you're right -- Grace covers those words you wish back.

jenn said...

I understand this completely! I understand that when we (I) try to correct something that doesn't really need corrected--because she (first daughter/second child)does things all in her own way..."she is she..I am me" HE made her to be her own unique being and I too worry about how my words may alter her--just because I don't think/act the same.

You are such a good mom! Thank you for sharing your insight! :)

Cassie said...

(i am)Verklempt again. Don't you just want to cup her face in your hands and squeeze her sweetness?? Thanks for the lovely post kiddo.

Kimberley said...

Dawn,
You have such a beautiful way of saying exactly what many of us, as mothers, are thinking.

I often read your blog and think that your posts are such a beautiful gift that you are giving Laura and Cam. You are giving them your thoughts and dreams. Someday, they will have children and will experience these very same feelings that you have right now. How awesome that they can look back at your words and know that their mom went through many of the same things?!

JoAnn said...

I love how God broke the chain for you. Beautiful writing, so sweet and true!

Tracey said...

Treasured thoughts, so beautifully expressed. Thank you.

Cynthia@RunningWithLetters said...

Oh, Dawn, this was beautiful to read! Your daughter sounds a bit like my son. I feel like a nag sometimes and I wonder how much "correcting" really needs to happen here, because he's really pretty great as he is!

Thanks for sharing your reflections on your special moment.

Kelli said...

Dawn, you really should write a book!! I am deeply touched by your words today! THANK YOU!! ((HUGS))

Richella said...

Light to your dark heart? No, no. More light to your heart. Your heart is not dark, dear one.

There are dark corners, though, in all of our hearts. How good of God to give us people like Laura, who are light-bearers. Light-bearers' hair may not always be perfectly coiffed. . . but perhaps that's a necessity for those through whom light shines so brightly.

Wouldn't trade being a mom, would you? :)

tracie @ {tsj} photography said...

dawn ... how beautiful are your words ...

this is a wonderful reminder to all of us mothers. we want it ALL for our children. we've been there, done that. we KNOW what's best. we KNOW what they should be shaped into.

but thank GOD for His grace & gentle hand to remind us ... they are unique. they need to learn. they WILL learn. we need to give them the freedom to be who they will be. but FIRST, trust the foundation we're laying before them ...