June 12, 2010

allowance

Looking for my running shoes this morning, the anger started to boil within. How could I allow myself to lose track of them... or more to the point, how could I allow the days between now and the last time they were laced, ready to move? Uncovering them from where they had been tossed... I vowed anew. To keep them in sight. Ready to roll.

Three weeks ago, I allowed a glimpse of fear to seep into my workout. Week three was tough. Not so tough that I couldn't endure it, but hard enough to make me doubt. Running three minutes took so much breath... how would I ever be able to run a 5K? And through the doubt, above the music raging in my ears, there was a voice.
You are on week three?
Yes. As if You don't know...
How many weeks between now and a 5K?
Ummm... six.
Yes, six.
And He makes me realize this is a process, a journey. No, I wasn't ready for that 5K on week three... but I needed to trust that He would carry me through the journey. And knowing that, keeping it close to my heart, I began to love week three.

A week or so ago... I began Week Four. It took all I had to complete the first day. All I had. But finish, I did. And now...it has taken me a full week, maybe more, to dig out those shoes again. Fear. Not only did I allow it to show its face again, I allowed it to cover my heart. Even knowing that God would meet me on the journey, was waiting for me... I allowed the excuses and the busyness. I allowed the hiding. And in the allowance, I deprived myself of any feeling of success and goodness. I deprived myself of His voice. His goodness.

Motivated by deprivation... I stepped back into the journey. Today.  It was hard. And I didn't quite have the finish I desired. I pushed and pushed and called for His breath... and still, I allowed the slowing of flying feet. I know it was not Him that let me down... not Him... but me. But in the face of giving in, there were promises made. New goals set. Goodness... right around the bend.   And allowance... to seek success.
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7 comments:

togetherforgood said...

I let fear stop me too. Not with running. Arthritis pretty much does that for me. But with other things in my life-- fear of failure, of inadequacy, of rejection. I guess it's just thinking my failings are bigger than his grace.

Corinne said...

I give you so much credit for doing it - for running those moments. It's not easy! Over a year ago I started the couch to 5k program and got through week 5 before we all got sick and then I never picked up again. And each week was so much harder than the last, but it felt so good :)
Go you!!

Kimberley said...

Good for you Dawn. I KNOW that you can do it. If you are on week three, you are over some of the hardest weeks! You really are. Very soon, you are going to truly enjoy lacing up those shoes. You will look forward to the run and you will look back and find it hard to believe that you may have actually dreaded it at one time. Don't stop-because starting back up again is really the hardest thing.
I am really proud of you!!
xo

Graceful said...

You can do it, Dawn! I have faith in you, and I know HE will breathe breath into those lungs and strength into those legs. Keep working at it...it does get easier, honest. Week 4 is always a turning point for me, where I just begin to see a hint of it getting easier. A little less like I'm going to roll over and die right on the running path!

I am with you in spirit, girl! :)

jenn said...

you are so brave--NEVER doubt it!

tracie @ {tsj} photography said...

beautifully written dawn! i KNOW you can do it. and i know HE will bring you through the journey ...

one step at a time ...

imoomie said...

Even though I am late to read this and just catching up...it is exactly what I needed to read today!

I am trying to train for a triathalon and have been questioning whether it was that great of an idea to begin with.

Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me of the journey!


Blessings.