my son, the blogger...

Last fall, Camden shared with us that he had an opportunity to travel to South Africa for shark research, and we were excited, but wary. Does that still keep you on track to graduate in May? It seemed to be our repeated question, and I'm sure he grew weary of it! But the answer was always yes, and so we kept our hotel reservations and prayed for graduation success.

Occasionally we'd ask him for an update on how the funding for this research was going, and his answer was always let me check on that. It wasn't until we visited him after Thanksgiving that we realized that this was a big deal. He asked us to take a meeting for him {really?} because he had class... and we found ourselves sitting in the career center, not completely sure why we were there. Rebecca must have sensed our confusion, and then laid it all out for us. Camden had been named a Cornell Fellow and the research project, with funding, was a go. She continued on, sharing with us the rigorous process that he had navigated... and what would be expected during and after his travel. The minute she said Camden is required to write a weekly blog post I was all in and pretty darn excited.

Cam spent February and March at Oceans Research in Mossel Bay, South Africa... and it was more than a trip of a lifetime. He learned so much about the ocean, research, and...himself. I stalked social media and was thrilled every time I caught a glimpse of him. I stressed about the air travel (we were responsible for booking the tickets, and when you buy tickets in/for Africa you wonder... are they real?) and exhaled when he made it to where he was going. And when he sent a photo along with an exciting note about cage diving, I wrestled between excitement {for him} and worry... and I prayed.

He has many favorite moments from his trip... but my favorites were when I would click over to the Cornell Fellows website and see that he had another blog post up... {read them here!} I'm so thankful that he had this experience!

the graduate...

The second week in May we took our third trip to Iowa.
(Fourth, I suppose, if you count that first college visit.)

Honestly, I thought we'd visit more than three times over his four years at Cornell...but we've apparently raised a pretty independent young man. After the first time he moved out of his dorm, then back in again, all on his own, I stopped worrying about it. He figured it out, just like he has figured out a thousand other things before, and since. I am very thankful.

I can hardly believe the experience that Cornell College provided Camden. On top of his amazing education, earned 18 days at a time, he made lifelong friends, and experienced many once-in-a-lifetime adventures: swimming with sea lions, swimming with whale sharks, researching flying fox in Mauritius, and spending two months in South Africa researching sharks {yes, that DID include a cage dive and great white sharks...but he survived, so I forgave him.} I did not know that college had all of this to offer.

Is there anyone more proud than a Mom whose son graduates college on Mother's Day? It was an amazing gift - he'll probably not be able to top it! I was so excited for the weekend and the ceremony. Seeing him in his element, so grown, almost did me in. The ceremony was very personal, especially knowing that a friend he made on day one was giving the graduation speech {along with his first adviser}and it was FUN! I'm not sure I expected that, but it really was! We are so very proud of him and all he has accomplished so far.

There are a few more stories to tell about this epic week in May... so I'll dub this Graduation week!
More to come!

a most treasured gift...

Can you guess which one said it? 
It really doesn't matter... I think they both agree.

It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received... that these two share such a love and friendship. How have I accomplished such a feat? I believe I have just prayed it into existence. I always let them know that our home was a safe place, one where the people inside it loved each other without exception... and I know that God has taken it from there.

Their chatter in the next room is one of my favorite things. Add some laughter, a shout of joy... I can barely think the words without my eyes starting to tear up. I know that such a relationship is rare, and as much as I am thankful for it for me, I am thankful for it for them. Growing up they probably didn't think much about it, but even now, they know that the other is the one they can rely on in all situations, with every breath. They celebrate, stand up for, and even fight for each other.

To have someone know all of you is a beautiful thing.
And to be their Mom is certainly beyond grace.

rest stop...

Two hours from home, we stopped where we always do... at the base of the Skyway Bridge. The sky was a gorgeous blue, and the wind had the flags spread out with crisp corners. We noticed people walking along the water, and I'm not sure I had ever seen as much beach here... or if I had, I surely didn't know it was accessible. But when I came out of the restroom, I spotted Camden at the water's edge.

I made my way over the rocky barrier, and was happy that the ground felt solid rather than the squishy I had anticipated. I was surprised that Laura was next over the rocks, and filled with a sense of beach day joy. It didn't take long for them to be running out their energy, as if they were seven or eight... they are the silliest.

When I asked for a photo of the two of them, they couldn't hold it together. I finally did get a desk-worthy shot, but I'm not sure it is my favorite.

I'm not sure I could choose a favorite from this windblown slice of joy...

the beach rule

We've had a rule since they were pretty small - always bring extra clothes to the beach. It sounds silly, but there have been lots of evenings we'd go to just splash our feet, play in the sand and watch the sunset... not planning on a swim, because maybe it was too cold, or we just had 20 minutes. But we learned our lesson early on. Someone always ended up soaked from head to toe - either by chance or by desire. So it became a rule. No matter what, towels & a full change of clothes were part of the plan.

Until Cam's last night home in June.

A storm was rolling in at home, and we thought it might be storming at the beach... but on his last night, we took a chance. Twenty minutes of drive time can make a big difference, and it did. Perfect beach night weather, with not a storm cloud in sight.

We walked and wrote messages in the sand. We laughed at the coquinas at the edge of the surf. We talked, and we didn't. And then we waited for the sun to set... the whole reason we came on his last night home. As we stood in the shallow, waves lapping over our feet, he said... I kind of want to just swim. His shorts were half-way to soaked, and it didn't take him more than five minutes from to wanting to, to deciding he just needed to be in.

What can a mom do but smile? And remember that rule from a lifetime ago. A time when I was almost his whole world, when I could scoop his whole little self into my arms and just hold on.

There are days I'd go back to... try again, do better... savor.
But tonight I just laugh... and soak in this time, just us... hoping it will last until Christmas.


p.s...and when we were almost home, he asked did you grab my shoes? And so his favorite footwear spent the night on the beach. He was able to rescue them, with an hour to spare, before we had to leave for the airport!

who's fooling who?

He's half-way through college, and was been home for six weeks. That's all I get this summer, and I've been thankful for each day. Now I'm up against the longest stretch of ever being apart from him. Six months. Christmas. Suddenly, I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. Am I really doing as okay as I say I am? Or... in the in-betweens, am I just marking time, as if living for the weekend?

I count the hours until he arrives, and when my arms are finally around him, joy spills down my cheeks. And the last week he's home, my emotions catch me off guard and the tears spring at any given thought. He's sweet though, and the sight of those tears brings out the very best in him... and he promises to be better at calling me. We'll see.

Our empty nest is just another four weeks away... and we prepare for it with excitement. For us, and for them. The opportunities Laura & Camden have created for themselves are quite amazing, and we are so thankful and thrilled for them! And this is the way it should be... what we dreamed about, worked towards, planned for. So why the emotion? The coming and goings are hard... they just are. Especially knowing that this is the next step to from now on...

Maybe it's just fair to say that the joy I get from having our family of four under one roof is something so beautiful and, as time goes on, rare... so when I'm in the midst of it, there is hardly anything else...

there goes my baby...

Another airport goodbye today... and as I keep my eyes glued to his back as he navigates the security line, I pray for him. Baby? Not anymore. Not even close. He celebrated 20 a couple of weeks ago. {Yes, please say it - How is that possible, where has the time gone?!}

It occurs to me that this is just another in a long line of from now on. There will be beautiful reunions filled with as many memories as we can fit in, but the reality of it is, there is always going to be a goodbye on the other end. I raised him up for this, and I knew I would miss him fiercely when he went... but the inevitable just might break me every time. I get by with letting a few stray tears slip down my face, a deep breath, and a thank you to God for holding him close.

p.s.... A thank you to the nice TSA gentleman who told Cam he should give me one more hug. Terence, that was a gift.

the last five steps...

It was the last five steps that were my undoing. 
I made it through the last week with only joy... no undercurrent of any emotion but joy.

When I spotted him coming around the corner, I waved, but Cam's head was down. When he looked up, he saw me instantly and returned the wave. His pace did not increase. He is the laid back one. I held the railing as an anchor, holding me back from rushing the security barrier, and he smiled. In his never ending quest to make me laugh, he began to walk in exaggerated slow motion... and the tears spilled down from out of nowhere. The next moment had his arms around me, muffling the sobs. And I whispered... everyday you come home to me is the best day ever.

**This was written at the beginning of May... he was home for ten days. Our boy is finally home again after this very short trip! He spent the summer back in Iowa researching Monarch butterflies. It was a great opportunity for him... but we are so glad to have him home for a month this time!**

three days that meant the world...

At Christmas, when I asked him what he thought about coming home for Spring Break, I was surprised that he already had an answer. It was a no, and a yes. He and his friends had already started planning a road trip... and the destination just happened to be our house. Other than the worrying about four college kids on the road from Iowa to Florida, I loved the plan.

He arrived late Saturday night with his three friends. I heard them pull into the driveway and couldn't help but run outside {and maybe jump up & down... a little.} He let me fold him into my arms, and I loved that he held on as much as I did. That alone was worth the miles.

They played in the sun for three days. The house was full, Laura was thrilled to spend time with her brother, and we really got to know Cam's new people. I knew he would choose good ones, but to actually meet them and see their friendship in action was a joy.

On their last morning here, everyone wanted to sleep in. Maybe Cam, too... but after a sleepy goodbye from Eric, and a second from Laura a couple hours later, he was awake when I wandered by his door. We slipped out of the house quietly, and headed for the safari road and a walk along the trail.

Our walk was short and slow... and maybe the best hour I have spent with him since the last time we took this walk. He had so much to tell me, and I just listened. As the details spilled out of him, his set in stone plans and his maybes, I held them close and savored each one. It reminded me of what I have always known... he is going places. In his own time, making his own way. I can't help but join in his excitement.

And then it was time to say goodbye once again. My face was smiling, my heart was aching.
But this is what I was made for. Raise him up, and let him go.

his day of fun...

Camden has never really been a sports guy - playing or watching, unless we went up to the local hockey game. Sometime last year he started being really interested in the Tampa Bay Lightning hockey, and when we checked their home schedule, we saw that there was a game right on his birthday. The perfect gift, and if we could make it a surprise, all the better!

We invited our family over for a birthday breakfast, and celebrated around the table with waffles, omelets, bacon, and donuts. It was a loud, fun morning, complete with laughter and ice cream. And while there may have been a glitch in the surprise department, he was thrilled when he found out which hockey game we were going to!

There was excitement even before the game started...

and once we got inside, even more. I love to watch my kids having fun together, and it is even better when the fun is with us.

I can hardly believe he is nineteen, but in the same breath, I can see how much he has grown... even since August. He loves school, and several times he mentioned going back home. As much as my heart wants this to be home, I am thankful he feels home both here and there. There is not much more than a Mom could want.

And so it goes...
He has filled another year with joy, dreams, and life... and I am so happy to celebrate it all, right by his side.

birthday lessons...

My birthday is five days before Christmas, and his is five days after. Truly, I have the better deal. Once Christmas has been celebrated, the world is weary, and even the things on the must-do list fall by the wayside. The year Camden turned two, I was especially tired, and I could barely make his birthday happen. I bought a cake, and then I felt guilty that I bought a cake, so I frosted over the existing decorations so it would look homemade. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, it was only the four of us at the table, so I did it for... me. I remember being in tears over it, and Eric thinking I had lost my mind.

I know it sounds ridiculous. Even to me, now. But then?
Then I didn't know that the cake was just a cake... and the centerpiece of the celebration was the people and the love around the table. I wasn't comfortable enough in my motherhood to take what I considered the easy route... and I certainly didn't realize that some people always buy the cake. I didn't yet know that the mess of motherhood can be beautiful.

This year?
I piled up some donuts on a plate, stuck a broken sugar "happy birthday" on the top, and called it his birthday cake. He thought it was the best idea ever, and he was thrilled.

I have come a long way in these seventeen years, learning to find the joy in the mess, and accepting grace when I don't live up what I thought I would be. I have learned I don't have to try to be perfect... that their idea of the perfect Mom is the one they have.

love and tears...

He'll be home in ten days. Ten. I can hardly wait.

Sometimes I let myself think about when I see him in the airport and how that first hug is going to feel... and then my eyes get weepy. I would kind of like to let the tears fall now and get them out of my system, so I don't cry all over Cam. And because sometimes, love just spills down your face at the most unexpected times...

This year Eric & I decided that we'd postpone our anniversary celebration a month, and go to Disney's Night of Joy in September. It had been at least ten years since we brought our youth group, and while we always planned on bringing our own kids, it never happened because once they were old enough, they were busy with marching band. It was really supposed to be a trip for two, but after our long road trip with Camden, Eric thought it might be nice to ask Laura if she wanted to tag along with us. It didn't take her a minute to say, yes!

We drove up Thursday night, and spent a little time at Disney Springs to kick off our adventure. Laura loves to pin trade! The next morning we started out with breakfast at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. After filling my plate, I noticed that Laura was on her phone... snap-chatting with Cam. She was laughing because he called us Meanies, and the sadness soaked into my soul. I texted him that I was missing him and that I owed him a trip to Night of Joy. When he texted back But I SO want to be there! I lost it. Big sloppy tears, and the sobbing ugly cry, right over my Mickey waffles. My chest hurt, and so did my heart.

I had left my son at college, a million states away, without tears. I had made it two and half weeks without breaking down, and there I was, in the happiest place on earth, and I could barely breathe from missing him. I would have done anything for him to be with us.  The only thing that saved me was knowing he was so happy at school.

Somehow I pulled myself together, and enjoyed the rest of our day. It was the first time I had ever seen the fall decorations up in the Magic Kingdom, and we made it a priority to attend the Flag Retreat that happens on Main Street every day. I really wanted to stay until the very last minute of the night, and see the Goodnight Kiss, but after singing and dancing along with Josh Wilson, Francesca Battistelli, Colton Dixon, and Rend Collective we were beat and ready to head for the hotel.

I love Night of Joy, and I loved this little trip... even with the tears.

Worshiping in the Magic Kingdom is beautiful, and it is something I will always hold close to my heart. We had a great time with Laura, and she had a great time wandering on her own from time to time. Disney without kids is great, but I probably won't ever try it again with only one kid.

we wait...

I loved seeing photos of so many college kids home for Thanksgiving, and while it did make me a little envious, I was okay. Our Thanksgiving was lovely, from watching the parade {and one of our local marching bands!} to gathering around my Mom's table for dinner. But maybe the best part was... using Skype for the very first time.

The last time I had ever used any video communication was 2002. Eric was deployed to Guantanamo Bay and at one of our once-a-month family picnics on the Coast Guard base, we had chance to use the video phone. Laura, Cam, and I crowded around the small screen and thought it was amazing to be able to SEE Eric's face and for him to see us. It made me cry both happy and sad tears.

way back in the olden days...

Thursday, after a few technological hurdles, my son's face appeared on my phone screen along with all of the fun and animation that is totally Camden. I could feel my smile grow wide. He was as silly as ever, and it just made my heart happy to know that while he has grown so much in the last few months, he is still the Camden that makes me laugh. Cam got passed all around the house, visiting with his grandparents, Laura, and Eric. I waited patiently, enjoying the joy I could hear in all the voices. This whole family has missed their boy.

I didn't tear up until my turn came around again... and even then, I blinked the feeling of those tears away. He will be home in 18 days, and if I know December, those days will fly.

I told Laura that eventually I will have to stop with the Advent calendars... but I haven't decided when. Not this year. Last week I send Camden his first 18 days, wrapped in red & white tissue paper. I told him he'll have to come home if he wants the rest! I love this celebration of Advent... the getting ready, the anticipation, the counting of days. I feel my heart filling up with more and more love... while we wait.

Hello December. We are ready for your gifts.
Twinkly lights, the hustle & bustle, laughter, reunions, and love.
 

love...

This is one of my most favorite pictures. Ever.

You are precious in every way, the sunshine in my day,

the joy in my soul, and the love of my life.

journey to a smile...

The pains started about two weeks ago. The clutch in my chest. The sting of tears behind my eyes. He is really leaving...

We were in the kitchen starting dinner and I told Eric I'm starting to get sad. With love and knowing in his eyes, he replied I was wondering when, and he kissed the top of my head. We both know life will be different with our easy-going, adventurous son half-way across the country.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The breathing is working, the sadness has been shoved back behind the to-do list. Even his almost empty room seems okay. But today, the pains return stronger and closer together. Familiar... and I realize the laboring wasn't really over eighteen Decembers ago.  That finally now, almost nineteen years later, I must be prepared for that final push.

He leans his head onto my shoulder and it has a sweetness that seems to move me more than all the times I could hold all of him in my arms.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Three farewell dinners, and between grandparents, we celebrated Friday pizza on a Wednesday. An ordinary evening in the mist of an extraordinary week. It is just what we needed. And those two... they sat and visited and played video games between slices, just as they have for twelve years. Boys to men. They wished each other well and sealed their friendship with a firm handshake.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

The list still lingers and Eric is out mowing the lawn. Cam and I find jobs we can do while we watch the last episode of Food Network Star. He looks at me sitting on the floor folding laundry and pats the seat beside him. For a moment I am torn, because the list, but I come to my senses and join him on the couch. It is only seconds before he leans fully into me, his head fitting just right into the crook of my neck. My chest is crushed with love and I try to hide my gasp for breath... and one lone tear escapes, leaving the others to burn. The mower continues to make loops around the yard and I feel almost guilty for sitting, but oh I cannot give up these minutes. Surely I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.

Cam, are you ready for this adventure? he asks as we pull out of the driveway and begin the drive north. Of course he answers the only way he knows how Yes! It makes me smile knowing this is the honest truth. But when the next question comes from Eric, I pinch back tears. Is mom ready? I say Yes, because I want nothing to come between my son and his dreams.

The Iowa sunshine welcomed us to the land of corn, and we laughed as we put miles behind us. There is always fun to be had on a road trip. And then I saw the sign, Mount Vernon 8 miles, and all of the tears I had been holding back for weeks could not be held a moment longer.

  



He was good to me. He smiled for every picture; he let me take as many as I wanted. And then it was time... to say goodbye. I took his face in my two hands and repeated the goodbye I've uttered a million times before Make good choices, be YOU, I love you...

As he walked off into the sunshine, I saw him as the man he has become... and it made me smile.