February 02, 2011

{virtual coffee}

I felt bad… not showing up for {virtual coffee} yesterday. But I couldn’t find the courage to drag my red-rimmed eyes and my fog- veiled heart out of the house. Or risk someone putting their arms around me, lest I shatter in a million pieces.

My friend is sick.
Yes, cancer.
Second time around.
And I’m sadder than I have been in a really long time.

I sit (and stand and drive and work) in prayer… and ask the God of the universe for healing and peace. I know He can do all things, and even this is not out of His reach… if it is His will. The prayers go ‘round and ‘round through my head and heart and I lay them all in His most capable hands. And then I grab them back greedily and pray some more. As if I can fix this simply by praying enough. I find myself lost and confused… as if by praying the same words over and over again I don’t trust Him enough. Like I think that if I pray longer and louder and then drench the words with tears, He will know how much I desire this. If I didn’t know differently, I could see the logic in that… but I do know differently, I know that God hears every prayer. Whispered, unspoken, shouted and sung. So is it really necessary to pray without ceasing? I don’t know the answer. So I keep on praying. And with the prayers come a few more tears.

In the midst of my own messy emotions, I received an email from my Mom.  If anyone knows how I can pile on the weight of sadness, it is her.  And she wrote... I know that you feel this with every molecule of your being and that you must cry. That is not a bad thing but you must put it in God's hands. You cannot carry the burden by yourself. You can't fix it. You must accept God's will. Dawn, go to your blog and click on "why beyond grace?" read it....and then let God take over....let Him help you to accept His will.  And so I did... even though I was not happy she threw my own words right back at me.  But I suppose, it is a mother's job.  And that very first post I ever wrote... well, it made me cry a little more.  But it also helped me adjust my perspective, and let His grace, and all that it means, wash over my soul.  Thank you, Mom. 

Today I am doing better about holding the tears in check. Because I saw her last night and she looks good and strong. And even in her fear, she exudes such grace. She told me she is due some good news… and so I pray for that… for good news. And if there is not good news? Well, there is Jesus. The best news there is.

I'm link up to Amy's {virtual coffee} even though I am late... because there are good people there... and a few more prayers certainly can't hurt.

15 comments:

Dawn said...

What an amazing post, Dawn. I think many of the same things all the time... I am praying for good news for your friend and for peace for your heart. Thank God for godly mothers who point us to Him, huh?

I've been away from blogland lately (I'll be back) but I'm glad I clicked on this one...beautiful.

Hugs.

togetherforgood said...

Oh, dear, dear Dawn. Let me put my arms around you and we can cry together, okay? Sometimes the tears help and don't hurt.

I don't think God wants us to pray without ceasing because somehow our prayers are more effective for others if there are MORE of them. I think maybe He asks us to pray continually because it keeps us open to Him-- to His grace, love, and healing for ourselves.

I wish you could come over for coffee this morning. Although, with the near-blizzard conditions here in Iowa, maybe I should come to your place. ;)

gabe said...

You have a way of making your words reach off the screen and draw me in. Oh, I am so sorry for your grief. . .for your fear. . .for your loss of control.

Isn't it hard when Mom is right and we need to just let go for awhile?

praying.

Kat said...

When I saw this was a {virtual coffee} post, I was excited cause I love your virtual coffee post. But then...I'm so sorry. And I'm sad with you....

Busy Bee Suz said...

I am sharing your tears.
I am also adding my prayers for hope; for good news.
Love you, love your heart, and I love your Mom's wise words.
xoxo

Virginia said...

Thinking of you right now and hoping your friend does get her good news.

Christina said...

I am a new reader. I have to say that I am going through something very different, but my emotions and prayers to the Lord are very much the same...exactly the same, actually. Every night I pray through tears for my hearts greatest desire, knowing that He hears me but that I truly do not know what the future holds. That is so scary, isn't it? My lifeline, the Bible verse holding me together, is 2 Corinthians 12:10: "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG." God is holding you through this...don't ever forget that!

{Amy} said...

Our mothers are always right, aren' they? I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now Dawn, it is so difficult and I have no words of wisdom for you. Thinking of your friend and hoping she gets good news. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

tracie @ {tsj} photography said...

friend ... do you know how i would treasure a real life cup of coffee with you?

and i would wrap my arms around you and we would whisper encouraging words ... HIS Words ...

praying and BELIEVING ...

Richella said...

I love you.

Can hardly type through my own tears, but my fingers know how to type those words, so I'll just say them again:

I love you.

It bears repeating, anyhow.

HeathahLee said...

Oh, sweetie...as much as I know it would make you cry, if I could put my arms around you and give you one of those hugs, I'd do it in a heartbeat. There will be days that you just don't know if you have any tears left...but you do. There will be days that you will question God. And there will be days when you just want His will, no matter what that means. I've cried those tears, and though right now I'm okay, if someone were to come give me that hug, I have a feeling I'd cry them all over again.

Praying for you and your friend.

jenn said...

still praying!

love and hugs,

jenn

Kay said...

Oh Dawn! I am so sorry. For you, for your friend! For all the lives touched by your amazing friend. I am a crier so I totally get where you are. Sometimes it's easier to keep a handle on things without a lot of outside forces pushing and pulling, this way and that. Your mama is wise. Just give your fear, your sadness and all those thoughts that you don't even know what to do with, to the One who does. He cares for you and your friend. I care for you too and will be praying. Hugs!

Michelle DeRusha@Graceful said...

I am still praying...for her and you. Sending hugs...

Cathy M~(checkitoff) said...

I will pray for you & your friend. Will you pray for my friend? A sweet friend who is doing well on her cancer journey, but still has so far to go. Sad that we are in the same situation.