December 11, 2012

when easy is not in reach...

I cannot imagine that anyone ever claimed that mothering was easy... but why, some days, does it need to be so hard?

Her call comes, she says I'm OK but... and I try my best to focus on the OK part, but the rest of my mind focuses on the rest. As I move toward her, I pray outloud... because I need Him to hear me. God please, please, let me be the mother she needs right now and not say one of the other things that is running through my head. Please. Breathe into me what You would say, and not what my mouth begs to shout.

I saw the flashing lights before I saw her... but then there she was. Handling it all, juggling insurance cards, license, the other driver (also OK) and the firemen. But when she saw me, the tears started. Not the sad I'm so sorry, please forgive me tears, but the deep if I could turn back time I can't believe this happened kind that rip at your own heart and soul. She wasn't even thinking that I could forgive her, since she couldn't even forgive herself. 

I was stiff and awkward out there in the road... but He would not let me say the wrong thing. Even so... I was mad at myself for not being the stellar mother I wish I could be.  The one sweet thing I could muster was straight from the heart of Jesus... there is nothing you could do that would make me not love you.
the sunset can make almost anything lovely...

Driving home ... in the quiet of two women with a million thoughts racing through their minds, she reached out for my hand and grabbed on tight. She, who is not a hand-holder or a hugger...

We rode that way, connected and quiet, with all of the good unsaid communicated in our grasp.

: :
That intertwining of fingers was a Tuesday gift... one that I couldn't quite share last week, the emotion so very, very raw.   This week the world seems brighter, even in the dark and dreary rain...
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7 comments:

Sally said...

I received that call not long ago, too, Dawn. The gift? That my son was alive after hydroplaning and spinning around several times on the interstate ramp. The other details truly pale in comparison to the gift.

Mindy Whipple said...

The holding...holding back of words, holding of hands...just so lovely. God is faithful.

Southern Gal said...

Mindy's comment speaks what my heart wanted to say. To be that stellar mom isn't in my grasp, but to let Him be the stellar Father is. Love you.

Richella Parham said...

Oh, my dear. You ARE a stellar mother. You are not the Bright and Morning Star, but you don't have to be. He is. But you? You are stellar, for sure.

Blessings to all of you.

Karmen said...

So beautifully put! What a great example of God's grace through restraint. Thank you for being obedient to it! I am filing that away in my Mother Bank for the not-so-distant future.

BARBIE said...

I've experienced this with a child as well. I would have gladly traded the words for the hand holding that day. Stopped over from Tuesdays Unwrapped.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You are just awesome....you handled it perfectly.
XO