Her call comes, she says I'm OK but... and I try my best to focus on the OK part, but the rest of my mind focuses on the rest. As I move toward her, I pray outloud... because I need Him to hear me. God please, please, let me be the mother she needs right now and not say one of the other things that is running through my head. Please. Breathe into me what You would say, and not what my mouth begs to shout.
I saw the flashing lights before I saw her... but then there she was. Handling it all, juggling insurance cards, license, the other driver (also OK) and the firemen. But when she saw me, the tears started. Not the sad I'm so sorry, please forgive me tears, but the deep if I could turn back time I can't believe this happened kind that rip at your own heart and soul. She wasn't even thinking that I could forgive her, since she couldn't even forgive herself.
I was stiff and awkward out there in the road... but He would not let me say the wrong thing. Even so... I was mad at myself for not being the stellar mother I wish I could be. The one sweet thing I could muster was straight from the heart of Jesus... there is nothing you could do that would make me not love you.
|the sunset can make almost anything lovely...|
Driving home ... in the quiet of two women with a million thoughts racing through their minds, she reached out for my hand and grabbed on tight. She, who is not a hand-holder or a hugger...
We rode that way, connected and quiet, with all of the good unsaid communicated in our grasp.
That intertwining of fingers was a Tuesday gift... one that I couldn't quite share last week, the emotion so very, very raw. This week the world seems brighter, even in the dark and dreary rain...