January 05, 2010

ugly, once again

Yesterday all of the selfishness and ugliness inside of me rose up and smeared itself all over my beautiful-last-day-of-vacation day. After what seemed like a month of pushing away too many hurt feelings and a bit of anger, the last straw fell and I lost my battle with my temper. It didn’t feel good… it didn’t accomplish anything… and all I was left with was a headache, a heavy heart and a tear-stained face I couldn’t disguise, try as I might. I trust you, Jesus.

In the moment I felt undermined and frustrated... and as if my very calling of being a mother was being questioned. In thinking it all over, again and again, running it all again in my mind, and then mulling and dwelling, the clarity is setting in… and I can see that my response was less about a Mama protecting her cub and more about this Mama protecting her spot in her cub’s life. And I can be honest enough to admit that mine was a reaction to an unintentional action. But unintentional or not, it doesn’t really make it hurt any less. And even on a good day I question my own abilities as a mother, coming to the conclusion that my kids make me look really good. I really don't need any help in feel less. I trust you, Jesus.

I know I have a right to my own feelings… and while I would not hurt anyone intentionally, sometimes you have to stand up and not be walked over… again and again. I am a believer in picking your battles. I suppose yesterday’s was one of them. I have support. And love. And now, a barrier with a little bit thicker walls. I’m not sure Jesus likes that part, but for right now, I need it. And still... I am trusting Him.

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8 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

After feeling like you have been walked over and over...you are bound to be 'human' and get some things off your chest. I am proud of you...in the long run, it is best not to hold it all in.
And anyone questioning your parenting? HOGWASH. You are an awesome Mom, always a champion for your kids...and a fantastic friend!!
Love you-
Suz

A Little Of This And That said...

Dawn, I don't know why, but when I access your blog, I'm getting this strange looking square over parts of your post, making it impossible to read. Not sure what that's all about. Hope it resolves itself soon. Always enjoy what you have to say.

Bee said...

Do I need to come down there and smack somebody for messin' with you?! 'Cause I will. I know I've never met you, but I think I know a little about you. Unless you totally lie and make everything here up, you are a great maomma. If your kids hadn't been parented right, they wouldn't be able to make you look good.

Cassie said...

OH dear lady, how our lives do parallel. Not exactly the same, but close enough for me to know that is a God thing. We'll keep trusting Jesus and he'll keep holding us up. No details, suffice it to say last night I had a heavy heart, tear-stained face and have been nursing a headache all day. Patrick is making me some chicken noodle soup right now as I lay in the bed I have remained in all day.
Jesus never fails...and thank you, He loves us in spite of ourselves!
Love to you, Cassie

Kelli said...

Sometimes, trusting is so hard!! He will never let us down in spite of how we sometimes let ourselves down. Sending a hug your way:))

togetherforgood said...

Aw, hang in there Dawn. And keep trusting. Sometimes it's all we can do. And it's enough. :)

jenn said...

Bless your heart and I hope everything is better today! Oh, I know about pent up frustration!--one day I think I am going to be like the Kathy Bates character on Fried Green Tomatoes when she rammed her car into the other lady for taking the parking spot!! one step away.... lol!

Trusting him is all we can do even when it doesn't feel like the right thing--only he knows why!

K said...

A mama bear needs to protect her cub, but she also needs to protect her self.

I hope things have gotten better.