April 15, 2014

i have to trust her...

I wrote this last week... and I never hit publish because... because it was too close to my heart.  I wondered if I wrote it only for me.  But days have passed, and in the meantime, I've held her close to my heart, had her face in my hands, kissed her and reassured her...



The sun is working to push the clouds away, but for now, the gray heavy air is pressing on my heart. Twenty might as well be thirteen, or six... or two.  Except that there is no way to hold all of her in my arms... especially when she is hours away. She has been studying non-stop, feeling the weight of her world on her shoulders.  I'm not sure she has ever cared about something this much.  It is good... and it is hard.  I am thankful that it matters so much, it is the stress I am not so fond of.  Sunday she texted me that she had a fainting spell... yes, texted.  I would have preferred a phone call... but her texting tells me that she can take it in stride and brush it off.  I have to trust her.  She said she was hydrated, had eaten breakfast, but was under a whole lot of stress.  So I chalk it up to that, and pray for some relief.

But this is when it hits me... the truth that my own Mom shared years ago.  The mothering never stops. Ever. There is no magic age, no crossing over into adulthood, no place in life they can rise to, that will stop the ache in a mama's heart when a daughter doubts, or a son takes a misstep... when their stress is eating them from the inside out.  And maybe the hardest part?  Sitting back and letting it all unfold.  But this, I know... I cannot outlove God.  He loved her first, He loves her best.  For every ounce of love I send her way, He sends a gallon. I pray the prayers, and He is the One who answers.

Photobucket

5 comments:

Ashish Rathore said...

Expressive...I was thinking about my mom while reading this <3

Dayle Allen Shockley @ A Collection of Days said...

It is hard, letting go. I told a young mother this week, "Motherhood isn't for the weak."

Your post reminded me of the words of Erich Fromm: "The mother and child relationship is paradoxical, and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother to become fully independent."

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, poor Laura. I hope she is feeling better and that the stress works itself away from her. I can't imagine how your heart was feeling at this news….so glad you were able to see her yourself.
XOXO

Mindy Whipple said...

I sometimes feel that some of the hardest parenting comes with they grow up and venture out. Our daughter is married and on her (their) own but you are right, the parenting doesn't end. But it changes. Thankful that God knows our children better than even we do, that He cares for them as His very own.

Manda said...

Love and needed this... Thank you!