February 06, 2009

me... on friends for a season

I have never been one to have a ton of friends. I have never yearned to be "popular." In my shyness, I was always happy to have a few really good friends... friends I knew I could count on... quality over quantity, I suppose. And in the course of my life there have been friendships that have come and gone. Some I have ended... some have drifted, and I'm sure we'll make our way back... and then there are those that have ended for reasons unknown to me. Those are the ones that sit in my heart and leave me wondering... and asking Why?
Those friendships I have ended... mostly in my younger years... when you come to that proverbial fork in the road and have to make a choice... a friend? or my life as I need it to be? Maybe she was moving in the wrong direction and I didn't want to follow... maybe I just couldn't live the with choices. Perhaps I judged... but I knew what I believed and needed for my life... what choice I had to make for my life to be what I dreamed it to be. And there have been frienships that have suffocated me... and have left me more insecure that I was on my own. Choices.
Though I have also lost a friend to Heaven, probably the most painful loss is when someone else ends their friendship with you. Had there been a fight, or an obvious disagreement, I might have understood. But sometimes we just don't... and it leaves us wondering. Did I suffocate you with my friendship? Was my caring too intense? Did I say or do something that just got under your skin? And my choices... did you think I was that wrong or out of line? Did you possibly know that I made that choice because it was far too painful to sit in that pew and feel lonlier than I ever had before? Didn't you know that when I said that, it was me... being sarcastic? I am not one to let go and walk away easily, but that being said, I am not one for confrontation either. And so I wrote... and after two notes left unanswered, I figured I had my answer... and that friendship was over. Occasionally I see her around town... and it is as polite as can be... no more, no less. And still I wonder. And yes, I'm still sad.
As for the drifters... they give me hope. They are the friends that, though I may not be in contact with at the moment, once I run into them in Publix, it will be like old times. They are the ones that I know are just busy, like me... and still call me friend.
Friendships are such a huge part of a woman's life... they mold us... inspire us... and refresh us for our families. Friendships keep us laughing... and living. There are those people who are no longer a part of my life... but that doesn't mean that they didn't have an impact on it... even a good one. Whether it ended because of me... or you... the friendship was real... for a time... a season.


Jen said...

Very well said!
No matter what kind of friendship it was, it seems they all leave a lasting impression.

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is great. And this is sad.
If only we knew what others were thinking...then you might get the answer. but until then, you have to chalk it up to different personalites that don't always mesh.
I also prefer quality over quantity. (same w/ the number of kids)
Great post.

p.s. you were talking about me, were you?
I know that made you laugh.

Rosemarie said...

I have tears in my eyes because this has happened to me, too. Many unanswered phone calls and emails - and I figured I had my answer, too. Our lives went in different directions with different roles that needed to be played. I still got a Christmas card, which I didn't understand, and chose not to send one back. Anyway, two posts back you talk about your friend for all time - and I have a feeling she always will be. (I have one of those, too - and whenever we see two little old ladies chillin' we say, "Us!")

Wendi said...

This happened to me...with M, the friend of mine who you know. We had been friends since middle school, but actually went a few years without talking after rooming together for the first 2 years of college (everyone told us that we shouldn't do that, and maybe they were right), and I never really understood why or what happened. It's still sad to me because during that time, she got married, and so, I missed her wedding. One day, we ended up in the same place at the same time (new teacher breakfast for CCPS), and as awkward as it was, we started talking again and our friendship picked back up. Later on, she set me up on the blind date where I met my husband. We have never really talked about what happened (just joke around about "the silent years"), but in a way, I still sorta wonder...if I don't know, how can I keep it from happening again? Good post!

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