November 03, 2009

back then & here and now

Spending a day (or two) down in the dumps has got me thinking... and when I think, I am bound to learn something... mostly about myself. And I realize how much of the way-back-then affects my here-and-now. Sometimes it makes sense... and sometimes it doesn't. But I am learning, just the same.
I have never been particularly self-assured. At some point in my life, my shyness shifted to a great sense of self-doubt. No matter that my Mother assured me of my beauty and my gifts... when your peers decide that your worth is based upon their own ideas, no amount of motherly love can negate it. If I am to pinpoint the moment my childhood innocence was shattered, it would bring me back to the four-square court in elementary school. A game I was not good at, but at least I kept trying. It was finally my turn... and I recall feeling relief that a very good friend was choosing the next category. I whispered to her please don't pick songs because while I did listen to a radio, I didn't know any song titles beyond Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I don't think I will ever forget the look in her eye... as she purposely looked at me and announced Song Titles. No repeats. Devastated? You bet.
Just a year or so later, we moved. And of course... I was the new girl. And all that it implies. The trying and the teasing and the friendlessness... the longing for a peace. Eventually I did find that... and quickly came to know that having just a few true friends held more value than a crowd. And those people... miles away... I still count as friends. And their friendship is beauty to my heart.
These days... I am still growing. My shyness does not last quite as long, and once you get to know me... you know all of me. But I still know the real value of a few people who you can really count on. And I suppose... that is why it hurts so much to be hurt. One small disappointment from a true friend is more painful than a slight from an acquaintance. And while it haunts my heart... I am eager to climb out up over the dark wall. And I am getting there.
Where there once was a dark wall of steel erected around my heart, the wall I am building today is one of lattice. Open to let the sun shine in... and out. Woven with vine... that is all Jesus. He covers my sorrow with His outstretched arms and leaves hope. Even now... at almost 38... I am still growing and learning and building. I am not standing still. And that is something that I am thankful for.

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

Tuesdays are about the messy, the lovely and the unexpected. The messy? That is me. The lovely? Jesus. And as for the unexpected... I guess it could be the lesson. Or the growth itself. Unwrap a Tuesday with me... with Emily. And all the rest of the Tuesday gals.


Tina said...

oh, how we are sisters. I love you. xoxoxoxoxox

Kim said...

Beautiful post! I needed to read that scripture today. Thanks.

Graceful said...

You've come a long way with music, girl -- the selections on your site always match your words so well!

Thanks for opening up and sharing so honestly with us a piece of yourself. It inspires us to do the same...

Candy said...

What a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing that with us. Anyone would be lucky to call you friend!

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is so honest and beautiful Dawn. I am always amazed at how much the two of us have in common!
The self doubt, the hurt feelings. But we go on...with a smile and a giggle.

togetherforgood said...

Oh, Dawn, I can feel your heartache as I read your words. Praise God for His work in our hearts-- for the weakness He gives us to force us to rely on Him-- for the friendships He brings us along the way.

"The messy? That is me. The lovely? Jesus. And as for the unexpected... I guess it could be the lesson. Or the growth itself."-- beautiful. :)

Kelli said...

Thanks for the reminder to see ourselves through God's mirror!!! It's so difficult when a friend wounds us. Prayers that all will be healed again soon.

HisFireFly said...

Yes, He is the lovely, and He calls us to abide in all that He is! What a priceless gift.

Thank you for sharing your heart, may His beauty enfold you today.

A Little Of This And That said...

Wounds from friends are of the deepest kind... because our love for them is so deep. Several weeks ago, I blogged about the storms that come our way, and how they can change the landscape of our lives ( I'm sorry you've been wounded by a friend. It hurts something awful. Take comfort in knowing that Jesus knows exactly how you feel.

Corinne said...

This took my breath away. Thank you for diving into scary depths of truth :)

dawn said...

Dawn- what a beautiful image of the lattice with the sun and vine. Love it.

Isn't it amazing that when something hurts us now in a similar way as has happened in the brings it all back?

Thankfully, God is a God who heals and comforts and frees. I pray these things for you.

K said...

Beautiful post.

I've been the new girl before too.

Abbie said...

Yeah, I hear you. And man is it hard to keep growing sometimes - not that it's comfortable to stay where I am either ... :)

Richella said...

Dear Dawn,

I read your Halloween post. My heart breaks with you. And now I read this, and I am impressed of just how much we are kindred spirits.

I haven't done much blogging in the past couple of weeks. Why? Because I've been dealing with issues from my past that have very greatly affected my present. I'm working with a Christian counselor to untangle all the knots. . . but boy, are things knotty. And some days I feel just crushed. Many days I feel very crushable.

Oh, how I wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I value you already, and I've known you only a short time. You are the woman who knows that we are not pretend friends. You are the woman who really, really gets it.

I love you,

Kelly Langner Sauer said...

Amazing how patient He is as He walks with us through our very human struggles. I have been here, beyond here, I'm here now. The "friend" ache is one I know well. Thank you for sharing - sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels this way too.

Cynthia@RunningWithLetters said...

Lattice...I love that! Sorry I didn't make it by here until today, but I loved this post. Kids can be cruel, but thankfully we all grow and learn.

btw--I responded to your Thanksgiving comment over at my place...thanks for the visit and the Follow, too :)

Kat said...

I think we could be related. Really.

Sorry I've been away...

Bee said...

Oh, wow!

First, the part of me that doesn't quite the " 'Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord,'" concept wants to go back to that game of four-square and smack that girl. And then give you a big ol' hug.

Second, I could have written this post. Even though I stayed in the same schools with the same people the whole way through, I wasn't one of the cool kids. And sometimes it hurt.

Third, what a wonderful wall to build - a wall of lattice so sun can shine out! That was just beautiful!

Sorry you've been in the dumps. But glad you came to see me.

jenn said...

I am sorry you were hurting, but I understand. It is so easy to find yourself down in the dumps all to quickly! I too am a sensitive soul and I can remember similiar situations as a child which shaped me--for better or worse today!

Kids are cruel--I tell my kids everyday to just be nice--if nothing else--just be nice!

I am just amazed at the amount of adults who don't seem to remember such a simple rule of life!

Just the other day, when I picked Rachel up from preschool, she went to play with two other kids from her class under a tree. One of the moms looked at the other and in front of me, asked if they could get their kids together for lunch or a playdate sometime! Mind you, the mom asking has a daughter and the other lady has a son. Not that is a big deal, but she didn't say anything to me at all. Actually, I was shocked at how rude she was and not really hurt--because I figure I don't need someone like that in my life anyway. So maybe, the backbone is getting stronger--all though some days it doesn't feel like it!

LoVe the post and I guess it wouldn't be fair to Jesus if we never went through pain and suffering--because he did for us!

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