June 28, 2011

dark & ugly and what covers it

I knew my guests would begin to arrive any moment, and I was ready, except maybe I had time to make just one or two more flowers.  So there I sat, on the floor with legs stretched way far out, fluffing bright tissue paper flowers.  Just the day before, even an hour before, the colors had me smiling... but somehow, just sitting there, my heart began sinking.  I felt ugly from the inside out.  Not just not happy, but honest to goodness dark and ugly... and all I could do was dwell in it, be consumed by it.  And then... the doorbell rang.  Camden rushed in and answered it, greeting Gramma with a hug and a shout.  I shoved the striped paper back into the bag and stashed the ribbons and rose to greet my Mom.  I'd like to say that I'm a good disguiser, but I'm not.  And even if I were, she would have known... but I tried to play it off anyway.  I ended up in her arms, a few tears spilled and it seemed just enough to let the sunshine back in. 

Just a week or so later, I snapped at Eric and we kind of had it out in our friend's driveway.  When I said it's not you it is me I really meant it... but admittedly it sounded like an awful excuse.  He urges me to talk to him and I just can't... knowing that I am still processing and praying and there is no fix.  I wanted to smile when he told me he wanted to fix it, but the smile couldn't work its way out of my heart all the way up to my face.  But I know he does want to fix it... and I wish he could.    But there in the driveway, I realized that I am not the same girl I was three years ago... before blog.  This blog has changed me... the writing has changed me.  But somehow, she (the me of before) was working her way back in. 

But through all of this deep dark ugly and the snapping, I have learned that there is a process for this new me... I feel, I think, I write, I let it go. 
The old me?  Feel, dwell, dwell, dwell, dwell, fight it off, dwell some more, and finally have a release of tears before I could let it go.

Since April, the old me has begun to intrude once again. 
The words would not come, and I wondered if they were gone. 
But the new me thinks in words, and even in the ugly, beautiful phrases would slip in and whisper to my heart.  But the ugly has no mercy and blocks the way from heart to paper. 

The ugly? 
I think it is the cancer that Ann and Carol, and million others, battle. 
But God broke through when I couldn't, and He held back the raging sea so that I could pass back to where I am the better me.  He gave me these words... and I can feel the others just floating on the tide...

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

:)

K said...

We all have ugly moments (right?). Sorry you hit a rough path, but it sounds like you're on your way.

melody-mae said...

I hope you are feeling better...ugly thoughts and moments invade but, I hope you will remember when those dark clouds surround you that there are brighter days ahead. Know above all else that you are worthy and loved!

melody

Richella said...

Oh, my dear Dawn. . . I've been wondering where you were, what was going on with you. And I've been so busy-with-my-own-self that I haven't stopped to ASK you. I'm sorry about that. But I think I know what you mean. You really are different, aren't you? You're not the same girl as you were before, in a hundred ways. And then in a hundred other ways, you are the same (thank God for that; we wouldn't want to lose the essence of Dawn). But mostly now the troubles and toils and heartaches, as well as the joys and the wonders, NEED to bubble to the surface and come pouring out. It's not so much that your inmost feelings have changed, but your method of processing them has changed. Is that right? Sort of?

Whatever you're feeling--the good, the bad, and the ugly--it's a privilege to share it with you.

Southern Gal said...

Oh, Dawn, I know so well the "feel, dwell, dwell" process. I've lived it despite my wanting to shrug it off, lay it down. We're all fighting the battle to make our thoughts match our words, our hearts match our Savior's heart. Hugs to you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

My sweet friend....you wear your heart on your sleeve...and all over. I hope you are feeling better....and remember to put things in HIS hands when yours are too full.
Hugs.
xo
Suz