December 13, 2009

standing in


Sometimes I feel like an impostor in my own life. Me... but not. The outside might appear to be the girl bearing my heart... but on the inside, the heart of me feels covered in sticky goo. A pretender in my very own self. The truth of it is... this Advent season is not going the way I planned. The way I wanted it to. And certainly not the way that Jesus deserves it to go. Here I am... the whole mess of me, sitting in the cobwebs left over from Halloween (that truthfully, I have been saving since... March?) I stood in church this morning just begging for that beautiful pink candle to light up my heart and overcome me... but I think the molasses from last week's gingerbread has pretty well coated me over. Funny... a Mom knows best, right? Just the other night my Mom told me she was worried that I was doing to much. No! I am doing fine! Only the things I want to do and I am ahead of the game! Shopping all but done! cards done!
Funny...
how a Mom knows.
Last year it all hit me on the second Sunday of Advent. So I made it to week three this year... but for the life of me, I can't figure out if that is good or bad. I suppose it just is. Regardless, here I am, the great celebrator of Advent... and I'm not.
Remember that PowerPoint I am doing for our Sunday School program? Somehow it just dawned on me that it is "due" Saturday. Yes. This Saturday. So guess what I was doing at 5:09 this morning? Yep. Learning how to make a PowerPoint. And Wednesday night? We have the Band Boosters coming for a budget meeting... and dinner. At least it is motivation to vacuum up the pine needles and Easter Dust bunnies. This weekend still has some life to it, and I am already wondering how I will even make it to the next.
Smiling bright. Every hair in place. Saying all the right things. An impostor. Like a shepherd standing in for a lost wise man... hoping that nobody will notice that he is without a crown. Hoping that the love in his overloaded heart will start to light up and blind them towards his flaws. Hoping... anyway.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Confession is good for the soul. Spitting it all out somehow makes way for the good stuff... like Jesus coming in with a warm soapy cloth and washing my heart of its stickiness... and giving me the patience to figure out Power Point. It leaves my heart a little lighter... and perhaps I will actually be able to enjoy those photos, instead of being overwhelmed by them. Because in them... I can see the story. And where I want to be. Curled up next to the sheep... gazing at the Shepherd.

7 comments:

togetherforgood said...

Oh my friend, I feel like an impostor in my own life as well sometimes. People don't believe me when I say I'm falling apart at the seams. Maybe the show I put on is too convincing. Praying for peace for you this busy week. :)

Sharone said...

I love that last line - it's beautiful. Thank you, Dawn. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Everyone who knows you; 'knows' you. You are not an imposter. you are Dawn. Flawed and funny. Sweet and silly. Harried and calm. There are many sides to you...all wonderful ((and sticky?)) This time of year is extra busy..and you are busy in general. So, i can see this makes you feel all yucky and stressed inside...you can let it out (like you did here) and no one will think any differently of you.
plus, I am sure both your kids know how to do power point. Give the job to them. as well as the vacuuming too..life is easier when you delegate.

If you need any help this week..call me. really.
And come Saturday...I hope you are out of your sticky self again.

Your nativity makes me think of: "one of these things is not like the other...."

Colleen said...

I think a VeggieTale character looks perfect in the Nativity :) Found your blog through Suz, love it!

Kay said...

I got a giggle when I saw Larry in the nativity. I love Precious Moments too. So cute! : ) I know what you mean about just feeling hairy right now. It's just a hard time of year anyway.. and then we pile all our expectations on top of that and well.. it just makes for some sticky situations sometimes. Gaze into the eyes of the babe... the Shepherd.. and be of good cheer!:)

Richella said...

Oh, Dawn.

If I were the friend I wish I were, I'd leave a comment on every single one of your posts. Because they all deserve a comment.

Instead, I'm a juggler. I run and jump and try to keep at least some of the balls in the air.

And here, once again, I find myself. . . "like a shepherd standing in for a lost wise man, hoping that nobody will notice that he is without a crown."

Oh, Dawn. You are amazing.

I love you. Did you know that? You are real.

Kat said...

The Bob came up just as I started this post and said, "Watcha readin'?" Then he laughed out loud, literally, at Larry in the nativity. He didn't stay and read with me, and that's okay, because this post was for me. Still in tears as I type this cause right now my life doesn't even look like my life. So much happening right now and waaaaaay too much to go into in this comment, so I just wanted to thank you for the encouragement and understanding! And like the last commentor, I love you, too.....