September 01, 2010
While I was willing sleep to come quickly, my mind raced all over the week... and somehow I remembered that it was only Tuesday, which kind of made the racing worse. I reached up to adjust an earring and noticed that my face was wet... and the tears continued down my neck. A sigh followed, and the realization that I am overwhelmed with my own emotion. The feeling that I am not enough for my kids. Maybe they don't really need me right after school, but I am feeling the loss of not being here... perhaps hearing my own emotions in the sound of their voice over the phone, even when they proclaim a great day. But I kinda want to be there for that end of the day greatness, just as I would want to be there to wrap them in my arms if the news was of the worst-day-ever sort. My husband comments that I might have felt this same way last year when school began... and he might be right. The routine of it all is an adjustment for all of us... after a summer of being where you want, and not necessarily at any particular time. But it still twists my heart... and I still feel the need to be everywhere and everything my kids need me to be. But I realize that the need is probably not theirs, just mine. And at the end of the day, when I walk in the door, there they are. And they indulge my extra long hug, my gathering up of all I missed, and all I need to piece my identity back together. And for those precious moments when it is just us inside four walls, the world seems right. Whole.
And so, in the darkness, I pray. For contentment. For peace. For ears that hear His whispering voice in my heart over the noise of the world. For the knowing that in Him, I am enough.