September 01, 2010

enough


While I was willing sleep to come quickly, my mind raced all over the week... and somehow I remembered that it was only Tuesday, which kind of made the racing worse. I reached up to adjust an earring and noticed that my face was wet... and the tears continued down my neck. A sigh followed, and the realization that I am overwhelmed with my own emotion. The feeling that I am not enough for my kids. Maybe they don't really need me right after school, but I am feeling the loss of not being here... perhaps hearing my own emotions in the sound of their voice over the phone, even when they proclaim a great day. But I kinda want to be there for that end of the day greatness, just as I would want to be there to wrap them in my arms if the news was of the worst-day-ever sort. My husband comments that I might have felt this same way last year when school began... and he might be right. The routine of it all is an adjustment for all of us... after a summer of being where you want, and not necessarily at any particular time. But it still twists my heart... and I still feel the need to be everywhere and everything my kids need me to be. But I realize that the need is probably not theirs, just mine.  And at the end of the day, when I walk in the door, there they are. And they indulge my extra long hug, my gathering up of all I missed, and all I need to piece my identity back together. And for those precious moments when it is just us inside four walls, the world seems right. Whole.
And so, in the darkness, I pray. For contentment. For peace. For ears that hear His whispering voice in my heart over the noise of the world. For the knowing that in Him, I am enough. 
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6 comments:

Kat said...

And in Him, you are enough. Thank you for the reminder that in Him, I'm enough, too...

Busy Bee Suz said...

*tear tear*
You are always there for them, whether you are there in person or not.
((Hugs))

togetherforgood said...

((((hugs)))) to you. I think every mother feels this way-- the need to be there. You'll make it through. And your kids know you're there. They do. How could they not? I've never met you and I know you're there. :)

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Hugs to you, Dawn!!! I know I personally have had more *guilt* over stuff than ever since I became a mother. Thanks for sharing!

Richella said...

Yes, in Him, you are enough. But I would go a little further and say that in Him, you are WAY MORE than enough. In Him, you are their mom--the one and only, the one who loves them as no one else can. So as you seek contentment, as you ask for peace, I urge you also to offer thanks for the special way He made you, the special gifts He gave you, the special way He equipped you to be exactly what Laura and Cam need. You won't feel comfortable doing this--you won't want to thank God for making you special--you tend to question yourself, I know. But those of us looking at you can see that you are such a special mom. So tell God that Richella said that you should thank Him for making you special, okay? See what He says.

Your children are blessed indeed.

dawn said...

It's obvious you are an amazing mother--and they carry that security and love with them throughout their whole day. Hugs to you as you get reacquainted with the pace of the school year.