October 18, 2010

the healing

I knew I was almost there when I laced my sneakers... I could feel the much needed peace closing in. Reaching to remove my earrings, I stopped, and decided to leave them... knowing that I wouldn't hear them jingling over the music, but knowing the knowing was enough.
- - - - -
I came crashing down from a week that had filled me with hope. A week blooming with an idea planted by the One and Only. Both answers to unspoken prayers. But crash, I did. It wasn't one thing... it was a long list of many, not all small. I suppose it was the right mix of hurt feelings, disappointment, grief, hormones and sick... the right mix to break down the good and the joy that I cannot usually disguise. I may have risen to an occasion once or twice, but then fell hard, once again, in the aftermath. It was a pity party for one. Not just me in a corner... but in a hole. And even as there were hands reaching to pull me out, I kept digging. To protect the ugly? To hide from the beautiful?

And finally, after too many days, I let him in and begged him to not interrupt as I spilled all of the ugly into his lap. And when I was done... he sat there in silence. Exhausted by my list, or stunned by my ugly cry, I don't know. But then there was me, wrapped in his arms feeling almost human again. On my way, but so much further than I knew.  Because that was too many days ago. 

I made it through today with a smile. But as exhaustion once again settled in, I could feel the emptiness threatening.
Maybe I could...
What if I...?

And then there was that knowing.  Knowing only one thing that could possibly fill the void that I had created in my heart. Only One... and One I had never turned to in this week of dark days. He was waiting for me... right there in the darkness. Had I ever thought to focus on something besides me I would have stumbled right over Him. Perhaps I did, and chose instead, to cling to the ugly instead of His outstretched hand. But today, I filled His hands with my tears, and laid my ugly at the foot of the cross. And He filled me.
- - - - -
I barely let my legs warm up... because the music was calling me to move forward. And there I was, with just a glimpse of the graying sky... surrounded by garage rubble. Lawn mowers and bicycles... bags of clothes ready to be cast off. But my hands were lifted to the rafters (or the open garage door) praising Him, exalting Him. Running circles on the treadmill... retracing my footsteps, but not my week. Each time the track cycled around, I was further and further away from where I had been... and so much closer to okay.

Refreshed, renewed... bathed in His Reign.
And thankful... so thankful for His love.
For His grace.
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