April 10, 2012

the trouble with yes...

I could barely get moving this morning, so weary from the weekend. I would have loved to crawl back under the covers and doze the day away... but life was happening, and I needed to get moving. It's been a while since I felt like this, and even through sleepy eyes, I send up a thank you prayer.
: :
This past September life caved in on me.
Perhaps the first warning signs came in whispers, but I was too busy to hear them.
Maybe if I had slowed down just a bit... or maybe just said no one time instead of shouting yes again...
But I didn't. I just kept on going, barreling through days and days of fully penciled in squares.
I just kept on going, until I couldn't.

The caving came in shortness of breath and red rash.
Gasping and scratching and buckets of tears... all laced around fear.
I wondered if I could stay home forever, in the safety of these four walls and his arms, because just the thought of walking out the door brought a fresh round of tears.  Anxiety, fear and me. It took me a week to realize that I couldn't do it all on my own. That maybe I needed... help. Because I didn't know what was happening to me and I certainly didn't know how to fix it...

It turns out, that some people do too much. I was one of them. I was selective, taking on only things that were important to me... things that were for my kids. Once in a while I realized that the things I was doing for them were taking me away from them, from dinner together, from the family life we have protected all of these years. But once I said yes, it was hard to say no. Until there was no longer a choice.
: :
A week or so ago I came across my fall notebook... the one I had carefully organized to keep up with it all, each section labeled with a sticky note. I peeled them off, one at a time, and ended up with a stack of six. Six volunteer jobs I gave up... and I still, on occasion, find myself running.

But sometimes... I have nothing to do but enjoy life.



Anonymous said...

I'm in a month of those crazy, crazy days; it seems like everything all just happens at once. I cannot WAIT for May 8th, which according to my calculations is the day when it's all OVER. I have big plans to sit in my pajamas all day.

Six volunteer jobs-- that is a lot, my friend. I'm glad you were able to let it go. I find so much freedom in an un-filled calendar. :)

Gabe said...

beautifully written friend. . .its so hard to say no to good things!

Southern Gal said...

Good for you. I know you'll enjoy those free moments to their fullest.

Dawn Marie said...

i think this is a womans thing...its just part of our makeup until something forces us to slow down, to stop. I had my awakening end of sept also...although I'm not sure how i feel about how my awakening came to be. i continue to ask god,,,why such a serious illness did i have to get? couldnt you have picked something else for me,,something not so dismal? guess not!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Yes can certainly get us into trouble. I am glad you learned how to say NO to others while still saying YES to what is important.
I was weary on Monday morning too...here's hoping you get the rest you need.

Pam said...

No is a wonderful little word and sometimes it's the only (and best) word to say. And that's ok. : )

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