March 14, 2011

the right words

After twelve days of sick, I am past ready for him to be better... but he wasn't. 
Forehead hot, eyes dark and without the sparkle of fun that makes me smile, and occasionally, a clutch of the stomach.  Eric took the day from work and brought Cam back to the doctor... and when he called to give the report of the appointment, I sunk low in my chair.  No answers... just letting this infection run its course.  I wanted a definite answer.  I wanted to know.  But we continue to wait it out, and there is no wondering who will break first.  It is me.  My mind converses with itself... raging at the infection, at the doctor, at myself and how I was so big and brave and trusting last Friday, and now I'm not.  And even a message from Eric letting me know Cam was now feeling great did not make the awful mood lift.  Maybe it made it worse. 

I'm the Mom.  I'm supposed to take him to the doctor, relay the bits and pieces of what's been happening.   I'm the one who isn't supposed to fall apart... especially over something that will eventually pass.  But there I hovered, between Mother's Intuition and Crazy. 

My mood was dark as I walked in.  I sought his face... the dark circles set me off again, and I retreated.  The mad boiled inside me, and I didn't know how to find my way back.  And so I went where I know I am always welcome, where I can haul all my junk.  And while I was on my knees, I asked Him to take it from me.  Take the crazy, take the rage, take it... please.  I flipped furiously through the pages and when I found today, I scanned more than read... desperately seeking the message I was sure He had planned for me.  Nothing seemed to fit but I refused to believe the right words were not there.  And then... they were. 
Be still and know that I am God. 
The tears were released and the crazy settled down just a bit... enough so that I could do what I needed to do.  Be still. 

From there I sought the sun, and let it shine right in my eyes. 
And the air was cool on my arms... almost too cool, but it gave me something to feel.
Stillness. Sunshine. Breath.  And the combination opened just enough space for the peace to start slipping in. 

5 comments:

K said...

I hope he feels better soon! It's frustrating when you don't have an answer.

Mamasita said...

Praying for peace for you my dear... God is in control - and it can be so hard to have to wait... waiting is painful for me, but necessary sometimes.
Blessings!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my...poor Cam. Poor Mama.
I am glad you found the message you needed.
I will throw in a few more prayers for him as well.
xoxox
Suz

jenn said...

still praying for your Cam!! Love to you both!

Southern Gal said...

The things we mamas put ourselves through. We want to fix it all, take it away, yet He wants it for our good. So glad you found relief from the anger and frustration. Praying he's back to his old self soon.