November 16, 2010

he gets it..

When it happened, I didn’t think a thing of it… but there sitting in front of the screen it started sinking in. At first it was a gasp and a flurry of rationalizing and calculating, but soon my mind lost all hope and fell to quick heavy sobs.
My pictures are… gone.
One trip over the cord, and three foot fall to the tile… is apparently death to a hard drive. Destruction to three years of photos, and whatever else was stored there in the wait to replace a dying computer.
Eric came to my side and tried to find what I could not… and tried to soothe my tears by reminding me of the beautiful album full of Africa, and the four discs of photos lying on the table- nevermind the thousands that my mother has. In all fairness, he didn’t know that I have already lost a disk of Africa, and that this was a second loss. Between gasps of breath tears I choked out I… know. And the body racking sobs set in again as I flipped through photo CD’s… 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007… Why did I trust a contraption of metal and plastic to have the sole hold on 2008, 2009, 2010? At least I had just finished uploading some of 2010 to print…
Camden slipped into the kitchen and quietly spoke Mom, memories are more important than pictures. And while my whole self knows this, the wisdom of an almost-fourteen year old boy left me to cry another river. I… need… to… be… alone.
And I was.
With a lip stuck out in a pout worthy of any two-year-old, hands clenched around the glass of water that Eric wanted me to drink, and an ache so deep down in my chest. When there was not a single tear left, I moped out to the couch and dug my hands into the soft fleece blanket and curled into myself, hoping the feelings would pass.
This morning, as I put my arms around my son for our start-of-the day hug, I told him how smart he was. That yes, photos are certainly not as important as people.
Or memories, Mom.
Yes, Cam… or memories. But they are my hold on the past… I want to always remember what your face looked like when you started middle school, during your first concert, when you turned 13. You are growing up… changing everyday, and a Mama takes pictures to preserve the days that pass too quickly.
I could feel the moisture beginning to build up behind my eyes, and maybe he could feel their presence. He stood on his toes next to me, impressed with the fact that he will tower over me, perhaps before the end of this year… and I laughed.
He gets it… and his Mama?
Well, somewhere deep inside I do. But I find myself stuck in the sadness of it, so often skipping the moment so that I can document it, knowing that I can then return to it at my leisure, and again & again.
So in my prayers that the photo files can be recovered (is this a silly prayer?) I hope also that the memories will be recovered and etched upon my soul.

Sharing this on a Tuesday... the mess of me, and the wisdom of him.


Richella Parham said...

Why, no. This is not a silly prayer. Maybe it takes another mama to understand.

But oh, does he get it. And he gets you. And he gets so much. It's just that he's turning SO QUICKLY into a man, and you're especially cherishing the days of his being a boy.

Oh, boy. Love you.

Sharone said...

Oh, that is a sad feeling, one I'm sure we all know to one degree or another! But your son is right about the memories and the people. And bless his heart for trying to comfort his crying mama, what a sweet boy! :)

You should contact a data recovery service. Many times they are able to recover data from damaged hard drives. It can't hurt to ask! And for three years of photos, the cost might be worth it. But whatever happens, I trust God to comfort you and bring you to peace. :)

Kelli said...

Cam is growing up!! How profound! Praying that the recovery process is successful!!! This is my WORST fear come true!!

Gabe said...

I'm visiting from Tuesdays Unwrapped. . .

Hope your pictures can be recovered!

Corinne Cunningham said...

Not a silly prayer...
Thinking of you...
(and know that I would be an absolute mess if that happened here...)

dawn said...

I'm just heartbroken for you, friend. I hope you can figure it out...but what a precious moment with Cam...he's growing up and getting what's important. Certainly worth celebrating! Love you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

NOT a silly prayer. But you know, if you don't get them back, you will be ok. Camden is right. (and extremely wise)
I do feel your pain are so important to us. I would have fallen into a puddle of tears as well.

ballast photography said...

Oh, Dawn, I so are so precious--but your son? Wow, he's really wise beyond his years, isn't he?

I saw you linked up today at Tuesdays Unwrapped--today was my first link up there in almost a year!

I hope your pictures get recovered soon!

Colleen said...

Hi Dawn, I came over from Life with Kaishon yesterday and meant to come back and enjoy your blog when I had a bit more time to really read it so here I am.:)
I am so sorry about your photos. Although I know deep down too that memories and people are precious, I still think that to mourn the loss of ones pictures is completely normal. They also are precious and irretrievable! But your son is very wise...he must have learned it somewhere.:)

Hope your day is lovely.

Love Colleen

imoomie said...

Oh, my heart hurts and tears are threatening to spill over...I was just thinking yesterday about how i would react and how devastating it would be to lose my blog after all I have invested.

I know it will be okay, but I know it must be hard.

What a sweet son you have!

Michelle DeRusha said...

Not silly at all, friend -- I would be devastated and praying, too. I hope it turns out okay...let us know!

Undeserving Grace said...

I've lost an external full of pictures and a laptop with everything on it over the past 4 years. I know it seems to be a huge deal coming to terms with the loss but after grieving a bit I became grateful for all the moments those pictures captured. And before long God had replenished my spirit. Not my photos but I realized they weren't as important as I once thought. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson each time. And by no means is that a silly prayer...He says if it concerns us we should pray. I will include you in my prayers too.

tracie @ tsj photography said...

dawn!! you KNOW i understand!! were you able to recover any of them?

and seriously ... what a profound parenting moment to realize they get it! a blessing for sure ... although i can only imagine you would've liked to see it in a different form. :(

hugs from wisconsin!!!

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