March 28, 2011

restless monday

I lay in the dark, a sliver of light crossing our bed. From the moon?  I try to remember what stage the moon might be in, and then decide it must just be the neighbor's porch light.  The clock reads 3:30... and I can't decide if I'm still tired, or done sleeping.  So I lay there.  Eyes open, staring at the ceiling.  And then with eyes closed, beckoning slumber, mind reeling. 
Broken appliances. Broken promises. Broken dreams. 
Only the least of these, mine.  The air conditioning can be fixed with a quick tune-up, due anyway.  But the dreams and promises?  I pray for my dear friend... as the bottom of her world falls further out of her reach.  God, I know you are right there with her.  Please, let her feel my prayers. 

My thoughts turn to Lent, and how I have not embraced it.  Not at all, and I wonder if it is too late... if I can catch up.  It was just two years ago that I discovered it fully... reading a devotion each day, carefully following His footsteps along the long road to the cross.  With Cam sick, we missed two weeks of church, and perhaps that is why I feel so lost.  But yesterday, during choir practice, it hit me all at once.  The tears slid down my face and the reality of Lent sunk in...
On a green hill far away, He shed His precious blood
We may not know, we cannot tell, what pains He had to bear.

But we believe it was for us, He hung and suffered there. 
It is coming... those brief days when He hung on that cross and lay in that tomb.  For me.   

When I came home, I moved my nativity from the piano, where it's been since Advent.   Somehow, I did what I promised myself I wouldn't.   I left Jesus in the manger.  And oh, I need the rest of the story.  I need this journey to the cross... and I need the journey  from the cross.  

That sliver of light in the darkness... it wasn't what woke me, and it didn't keep me from drifting back to sleep.  But while I was waiting to see if sleep would return, it kept me company.  In the dark of my heart, He is Light... and in the dark of night, He is my beacon.  And I trust that He can heal every bit of broken that resides in this world. 

I'm working my way up to one thousand gifts with Ann and the community that gathers around her...

66. the way I am filled with giddy excitement every time (every.time.) I see the deer on the hill.
67. making a left turn out of my neighborhood for the first time in... six years?
68. driving by and seeing that the cross has been added to the tower on our church building.
69. tiny beads strung around my wrist with no pattern... only beautiful memories.
70. four kids building castles in the sand...
71. Cam calling the castles the "suburbs."  He used another good vocabulary word that struck me as "grown-up" the other day... I wish I could remember it.
72. the hymn... as the deer. my favorite. You're my friend and You are my brother even though You are a King.
73. her quirky style and me being able to let her be herself.
74. a lunch date with two friends that lasted far beyond lunch... thank you, Cheesecake Factory, for not kicking us out.
75.  hours spent at the beach, with the cool breeze blowing in.
76. playful dolphins frolicking just beyond the swim zone... and the blessing of living in a place where I can see them in the wild.
77. a beautiful spring break. weather-wise and otherwise.
78. the peace that passes all understanding.
79. a couple of quiet hours to sit and read Heaven is for Real.  wow.
80. the excitement on their faces over purple ribbons at the county fair... each receiving a "best in division" for their photography.
81. the four of us at the fair together... so glad they aren't too embarrassed to be seen with us.
82. the view from the top of the world.

83. sharing the songs I have picked out for our kids to dance with us at their weddings.  their eyes got huge, but I am preparing for these days to come... especially with prayers over their future spouses.
84. surprise sightings at the beach... a nephew & a niece!

85. bright sunshine after the rain
86. deep-fried oreos hitting the spot.
87. riding the tilt-a-whirl with my son... sharing a memory of riding with my Mom & sister and how we learned you had to sit off-balanced for the very-best-ride.
88. a stress-free confidence booster for my girl.


Unknown said...

A beautiful post... and deep fried oreos?!? mmmm... may have to try that one for size sometime! ; )

jenn said...

prayers for your friend!

sounds like you had a wonderful time at the fair and the beach!

Southern Gal said...

Feeling your ache. I sat through a sermon yesterday about being thrilled when we read God's word. He compared it with his daughter who gets extremely excited every time she sees the same horses at the same place while riding in the car. Every time. It struck a chord in me. Then this and your #66. Yes, I'm listening.

Julia said...

Dawn, your little corner of the Internet is a beautiful, peaceful place to visit. Thank you.

Richella Parham said...

I love this post, Dawn! A wonderful pull-me-back-to-Lent post! And such a fun paddle in your stream of consciousness. :)

Mary said...

Visiting from Ann's blog - I really enjoyed your thankfuls, especially #75 - I love the beach!

Stacey said...

Oh the beach! We were there too this week, and it really does refresh the soul!

Gabe said...

Beautiful thoughts on lent...why is it so much harder to observe when we are distracted with worries? Shouldnt we be wanting HIM more?

Thanks for you understanding words...that was a hard one to post!

-t- said...

thank you for your sharing here. beautiful living and terrific pictures :)

it is here that i pause:
and I wonder if it is too late... if I can catch up.

i praise Him that we do not need to 'catch up' as He is here, in this place :)

Joy and Grace,

Unknown said...

wow. no words. just. wow!

Nicole said...

Beautifully written! So glad i stopped by from Ann's.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Your 'gifts' always ALWAYS touch my see the important stuff. And you remember to write it down. (I must get better at this)
Love that your spring break was good...sad that you are having appliance issues and even sadder that someone is not well. (hugs and prayers)

Jamie said...

That peace that passes all was on my gift list this week too. Loved your list, loved this post!

Mamasita said...

I love coming to your blog... you have an amazing writing ability that touches my heart - truly!
I love the fact that you get to see dolphins! They are my favorite animal - my husband and I honeymooned on Captiva Island and saw them all day - everyday - it was a dream.
Sending lots of love your way,

Craig said...

First, these words were magic, “Somehow, I did what I promised myself I wouldn't. I left Jesus in the manger.” Amen – just amen. And today my favorite from your list was 85. bright sunshine after the rain (because that’s when it seems the britest – the freshest – the best. No?) {smile}

God Bless and keep you and yours
May His face shine upon you…
and all of yours.

imoomie said...

Love those times when the world stops long enough for a song of worship to take back our hearts and bring the tears of cleansing and balance and joy of the Lord back to it's rightful place!

Beautiful post!

Cora from Hidden Riches said...

It was so good to have been here today. I felt your honesty and the long, inward gaze you took at your own heart! Thank you for that! And the sunshine after rain struck me, since we have had days and days of rain here. It's still pouring and dark. This will be on my list, too, as soon as that sun peeks through. Isn't it wonderful, though, to know that the sun is still shining behind those clouds???

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